Please help me! Wife wants out! (5)

[Lanzo]

Steve,

It may be wise at some stage to have a discussion with W on the cultural differences between British and Japanese ways of handling relationships with people outside of your M. Certainly get her to understand that whilst the Japanese way is not to cause offence,over in the UK you are allowed to upset people and not feel bad about yourself. I think she needs to know her behaviour towards 2nd OM is actually giving him tacit encouragement to keep texting and he's gonna keep doing it until she says "NO". She may want to spare his feelings, but you need to let her know how inappropriate this sort of contact is.

To be honest I think you've changed and grown enough to be able to set some boundries to help you and W define your new R. The first one would be to positively bin 2nd OM I think his attentions are a distraction you can you without. Remember you're not laying down the law and you are not putting pressure on W you are just having a honest discussion.

With regards to OM numero uno, I believe this will fade, so feel free to come here and vent when it gets to you. And if you keep working on "big bad Stevie boy" then W may make him fade quicker than you think.

Lanzo

[steve477]

Thanks Lanzo

I am feeling beteter now anyway.
I know that `talking` wont solve much at the moment, and that actions are much louder than words.
I know that I have been showing consistant behaviour that has worked and has got me back into my bed... something that would have seemed impossible even a month ago.
I know W is coming around to me.
I know I am the better man, the better choice. I really want to talk my W around to this sometimes, but I know that doesnt work, so just keep on with the `actions`.

It really is not fair, I take care of my W when she needs me, but OM get the `fun` and the kisses. I am not doing this to get somewhere though, I am doing it because I love my W and I see she needs help.

ANd what would I prefer to `be right` in the moment now, or to be married for the next 50 to 60 years!

So back on track now.

Steve

PS the whole me wanting to kiss my W thing. I still do of course, but I realise now that she will kiss me when everything is ok again. So when she kisses me it will be the signal of the end of this.

[Lanzo]

Great Response back to me Steve it shows courage maturity and that you're definately on Track. (This is the place we've been steering you to).


good on ya'


Lanzo

[Lanzo]

Steve,

not sure if you've read this thread, but if all goes well for you it kinda shows what the next step is. (Read through to the end)

Update x2: I want to Salvage my Marriage (Phd_ChrisD)

Lanzo

[steve477]

Thanks Lanzo

Tested the water last night about talking about 2ndOM. Not the right time. I have just left it that I told her I want to talk about it (not fight).
She is getting worked up about my family. She wanted to talk to them about her feelings about the baby. I have convinced her to let me deal with my family. She only wanted to help me with them, but it is best if I do it.
She seems to be of the mind at the moment that life is not good for people in general and we should just get used to it. I told her I cant accept that and I will always stive to make my life and the life of her and my baby better.

I can see this thing with OM going on for a while yet. I am not ok with that, but if thats the way its got to be, then I will just keep on looking after myself. I just have this feeling that even if she calls it off with him, he will try to keep it going. Cross that bridge when we get there.

Basically I feel a bit in limbo at the moment. I have brought us so far, but now W needs to do a bit to push us a little further. I know that is the wrong attitude, and I will continue to improve myself.

On a lighter note, I have just read a book called `she comes first`, quite an interesting read. Cant wait to try out some of that!

Going to `have a word` with my Dad today I think. Last time I spoke to my Mum she sounded scared of me.

I think that next week I might put away the sofa bed that I had been sleeping on and see what she says.

Cheers

Steve

[steve477]

Hi all,

Had a word with my Dad, basically he doesnt understand what I am doing, but understands that I am doing what I think is best for my W and baby.
Ended up talking to my Mum too, she is the same, except more worried. She cried. I gave her a big hug and told her that everything will be ok, and to trust me that I can make this better. (a bit of a role reversal hey!)

For Sandi: I asked my Mum if she had noticed any difference in me, she said yes. I said that I am growing up. She looked a bit sad and said that she liked me the way I was before. I just smiled and told her that I couldnt really have stayed like that now could I!
She can sympathise with my W as she says she couldnt live with me now! Gee thanks Mum!

My W went round to talk to my Mum last night too. Just the 2 of them. My mum just offered any help she can and wanted my W to know that she is there for her.

Between me and W seems to keep getting better slowly, and I have the `skills` now to bring a sitch back round to the good if it starts to turn sour.

Regarding the 2nd OM. W said she told him 2 days ago that things between me and her are getting better. She said that we are working towards the marriage. He seemed pleased for her she said. She said he only sent 1 text yesterday. I suppose it is an improvement. Would I be out of my bounds asking W to show me the texts from him? As a show of trust?

I think the orignal OM may be around for a while yet, even just as a `friend`. I will need to put it over to my W that I can be the only close man in her life, so it will have to be cold turkey, or I cant stay. (if it comes to that). I am sure that it will just fade out if it goes at all. I kinda wish there could be a deciding `moment`. Where she realises that she has been stupid and she wants me and sacks him off! Or the fantasy of me going in a warning him off my W! But I suppose I will have to take it as it comes!

Anyway got to go now!

Cheers

Steve

[Jen_Jam]

Would I be out of my bounds asking W to show me the texts from him? As a show of trust?

Hi Steve

Haven't posted for a bit as you're doing SO WELL! Yay you

I think asking your W to show you the texts would be out of bounds for now. No pressure, remember?

I realise and sympathise that you want to move things along. When I was in my sitch I just wanted to hit the fast forward button and race to the end. But it doesn't work like that.

One thing which helped me a little, you can use it if you want, was to make jokes about things I wanted to push forward. Like when H and I finally managed intimacy and I wanted more. I'd make a joke about jumping his bones. If the response was positivve, great. I knew where I stood. If it was negative/non-commital then I would know "OK, too much too soon" and I would back off and not mention it again. And I would smile to whatever response I got, as if it was no big deal.

Regarding the OM, yes it would be lovely if there was a clear, defining moment. But it may not happen. But look at the MASSIVE positive. The 2nd OM has been told by your W that you are working on the M. Your W told someone else that she wants her M. This is REALLY GOOD. Focus on the positives.

[Rob1231]

Doing really good there, Steve, except:

Would I be out of my bounds asking W to show me the texts from him? As a show of trust?

This wouldn't display trust on her part as much as lack of trust on your part. Now, you've said something in the past like "I trust W but I don't trust OM2." Frankly, who CARES if you trust OM2? He can be a complete snake in the grass - and it doesn't matter. What matters is you and W, and how you relate to each other. You can't make all temptation in the world disappear in a puff of smoke, so focus on yourself and your M instead.

[steve477]

Thanks Jen

I am trying to `joke around` about some things to see how far we can go. She keeps calling me cheeky, but I dont think she means it in a bad way! I hope not at least!

Hi Rob

This wouldn't display trust on her part as much as lack of trust on your part.

This is why this site is so useful because it is great to be able to bounce ideas around! And to have them bounced back from someone else perspective. I can see how that might look now!

I think the OM band aid is starting to get a bit gooey and coming off at the edges. Selfish bugger!

W went to the toilet before, I think she goes there to send a text as I am back in the bed and she cant send one while I am there. She seemed a bit quiet this evening, I told her that she can come to me if she has a problem. She started crying. said she just needs some alone time now and again. I gave her a hug and have come upstairs. Told her to call me if she needs me. She has been a bit `off` for a couple of weeks. Now things are getting better between us, so I dont think I am directly upsetting her. But there is something going on in that head of hers. Women hey! Cant live with them, and cant live without them.... apparently.

I am trying to limit my time on the PC a bit now too, as this is something she has never liked. So I only come on when she is not about now.

I have bought the goodies to take her out for a picnic tomorrow.

I have an idea for a fun day out with W, a James Bond day. She has been on at me for a while to buy a tuxedo. She has bought the shirt and bow tie and cumerbund for me, but I dont have a tux (DJ). So I thought I would get one and get dressed nice, perhaps buy her a nice dress (dont know if they sell nice sexy maternity dresses?.. saffie?) And take her out for an afternoon activity and then to a casino and dinner.

These are the kind of things that I used to do alot. I enjoy them. I think we are getting to the stage of having fun together again (when she is up to it... bit drained alot of the time at the moment, with the pregnancy and work).

Anyway Speak to you soon!

Cheers

Steve

[CBK]

Steve and all you wonderful posters...

I joined the board last week and started my own thread called "Totaly Lost After 23 Years" - although I am a bit older than you, your situation and the posters have been so inspirational. I am just starting the process and am so impressed with you and the progress you have made. I am hopeful one hour, miserable the next. Reading about what you have been going through is helping me cope.

Thanks for your honesty and the brutal honesty of your support group on this site.

I am wishing you the best of luck.