#3 Did I find DB too late? Maybe not...

[cw68]

A couple of crazy days on the roller coaster. H and I getting along fine, me very upset and trying not to show it, today we had a little R blow-out. H tells me that we aren't over, but he doesn't know what he wants (same old same old). He does tell me that being together as a family is good for him right now. I feel like a loser, like I'm worthless because my H can't even give me reasons why he wants to divorce me, why he's unhappy. Says he loves me, that he respects me, that he thinks I'm a wonderful person and that I didn't do anything horrible to drive him away. Then WTH can't he stay married to me?

Then while I was at work tonight, he sends me an email. The big positive is that it was on his own volition, I've gotten exactly one email on us/his thoughts since July that was his doing only.

Basically it said that our separation is a good and necessary thing for both of us. (I don't know if it was necessary for me, but I've made good of it.) Before he was done with our marriage and "had nothing left in the tank" and that being apart has given him time to reflect on us, the good and the bad, and the benefits of being together as a family unit. Said he's avoided alone time because he's not really wanting to deal with us again, but that being together as a family has been helpful because it is a chance for us to be together in a setting in which we work well in the meantime.

He said that he doesn't know why people who have "worse" problems are able to stay together and stay committed while he is possibly not and that he doesn't care about other people's relationships. (IMO other people can because they actually are committed to their vows and their marriage.) He's trying to understand his own hesitations and fears and to figure himself out. Basically, he was unhappy in this relationship and he had to get away or get out.

This lout is saying that plugging away and maybe being happy or maybe bein miserable wasn't feasible for him and his "makeup" and now he's dealing with the consequences (dude, if you want consequences, I'll show you consequences. You haven't seen consequences!) and trying to move forward with me in a better fashion regardless of where we end up.

He feels he's in a better place now with us that he was a few months ago (yay!) and sees that I am trying to change and be a better person and feels he is trying to do that as well. Is that enough for him to come back and want to make this work? He honestly doesn't know. (read: no) but that he's trying to come to terms with his fears and hesitations (read: I'm trying to gather the strength to actually leave you and break up our family while trying to make sure we're friends enough for me not to feel too guilty).

I don't know whether that email makes me feel better or not. Without question, I see a lot of positive things in it and it's positive that he's actually able to open himself up to me. BUT.

I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I should really even care anymore.

On a side note, what brought this up is my friend who I have been planning on attending the concert with tomorrow called and said she tweaked her back, wondered if anyone else could go with me. Right when she called, H walked in. I asked him if he wanted to go instead and he said "No." I was obviously disappointed because he had said he wanted to earlier. Guess I was wrong. His words, "I'm not that into concerts. I've been telling you for six weeks that I didn't want to go."

Um, no. Four weeks ago he said he'd go with me. Then he spent a week telling me that he had made other plans and was trying to figure it out. He never said he didn't want to go. I told him that exactly and said that if he, even one time, had told me that he didn't to go that I wouldn't have asked him. Per his typical thought process he said that he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to disappoint me. Honesty doesn't disappoint me.

All we are doing is spinning wheels.

Basically I have a husband who doesn't understand the "commitment" part of marriage. Who doesn't respect me enough to give me basic communication and doesn't give a rats arse about marriage, vows and that sometimes relationships are work.

I'm beyond frustrated. Yet unlike him, I can't just give up because it's difficult, because it hurts me and because it's not what I dreamt it could be. Right now I really do hate him.