He left again after five weeks........

[MidwesternGirl]

I am starting a new thread as my other one is getting quite long.

I was doing okay until I got home.

H was here today while I was at work and he took all of his belongings except for what was in the washer--some of his work clothes and he left his sandals but everything else is gone again.

My kids are so angered and the girls feel like calling H and telling him to go to he**. They do not care about him and H has not called or texted them at all. He just talks to S17 who is taking it all out on me blaming me for all of the problems.

[ourcrisis]

I don't know your thread too well. Just want to give you a hug. Take care.

[LL44]

I am with oc, I don't think I have posted to you before, but my dear, I am so very sorry for you and your children. I am thinking about you.

[Jeanette1120]

SF

Why is your son blaming you? If I remember correctly one of your H's complaints when he returned home was how untidy things were? Perhaps your children should stop pointing fingers in your direction and turn them around to point towards them. I'm not really comfortable with your son talking to him and in return you get blamed. What is your H saying to your S?

Teenagers are difficult, seperation/divorce makes things worse. I would like to see your children recognize how difficult things are FOR YOU and contribute more instead of just blaming.

Wow....he came like a thief in the day. Hmmm. Ok then so now you know he has some major issues he's facing. I know a bit of his background and the demons he's holding onto or rather the ones that are holding onto him.

What is your next course of action? Or inaction?

Do you think it's best for him to figure this one out on his own?

Perhaps now would be a good time to get full time employment?? This will get you out and around other people, increase your income, your children will have to show more responsibility and you'll have distractions to keep your mind off all the problems. (it doesn't work for me but it does help)

Thinking of you and wishing you the best!

Jeanette

[forward]

I am so sorry, SF! It must have been wrenching.

Have you reread the stages of MLC? It sounds as if he still has a ways to go.

Perhaps inaction is best here. You have had some real changes. Maybe he can only go so far back into the tunnel, as the MLC guidelines say.

I will tell you what a guy I know who went through MLC told me: he wanted to build a fantasy life for himself.

I felt my H had expectations beyond what any real human partner could possibly offer. Like your H, he is negative and complaining. H's negativity was so extreme (he saw NOTHING positive in life) that something had to change. So he went tripping after his vision of perfection. I think the fantasy is unraveling.

In your H's case, the illusion of perfection has been broken. If he returns to OW, he will be right back into THOSE problems.

My H is still negative but I have been dark on him. He cannot scapegoat me any more.

[Bworl]

SF,

While I appreciate that your husband feels comfortable talking to your son, this whole thing is VERY inappropriate.

Your husband has no business using your son as either a counselor OR an intermediary between the two of you.

And now your son is sympathetic to your husband and has decided to turn on you? Completely unacceptable.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Ideally your husband would be grown up enough to realize how wrong it is to make his own son his personal counselor. I know you've had trouble with your son, and this certainly doesn't help.

The slipping in during the day to get his things out is yet another sign that he is still messed up inside. You mentioned before going dark on him. Is that still your plan? It seems to me that you need a way to distance yourself from his ability to continue bringing pain and chaos to you.


Blessings,

Bill

[almosthopeful]

(((SF)))),

I'm so so sorry, especially that he crept in, as Jeanette says, like a thief in the night. Cowardice seems to be another hallmark of MLC.

Ugh, the whole thing with S17. Again, I think your H talks with him because emotionally that is about H's level right now--teenage boy. I know my X chats a great deal with S15 in a guy-to-guy way. Frankly, S15 is far more mature right now, but he humors his dad!

Seriously, I know how hard this is the first time and it must be especially wrenching after getting your hopes up for piecing. As breton suggests, it might comfort you to reread the MLC stages, some of them take a long time.

Take care of yourself, and give S17 some odious assignment that will last him a year or two!

Hugs,
AH

[MidwesternGirl]

just found out that my daughter texted her dad.

she told him that she wants nothing to do with him and not to come over until he gets his heart right with God.

she also told him he cannot keep running away from his problems and also said that she did not know what he is pumping into S17 but to please stop putting all of the blame on me. and i guess she said a lot more to him but did not elaborate.

i could not believe she did this.

[Jeanette1120]

SF,

Let me try to find the right words to express myself....

It is not up to your children to do this. YES, I understand they have the right to be angry at thier father, but THEY are children, not a liasion between you and your H.

Lines are going to be crossed here. Sides are going to be taken.

This is not right SF.

If your husband cannot stop this you can.

If I remember correctly the first Commandment is Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother.

Neither is happening here.

Again SF, God gave YOU tools to use. It's your choice to use them or not. Of course He is the answer to all things, but one must put forth an effort to uphold His worthiness. If the tools sit unused is this an effort?

I would wager that even God would want us to do more than sit and wait while God does his work.

Thinking of you,

Jeanette

[FaithfulH]

SF,

My prayers are with you tonight....although I am sorry you have to endure more pain....I agree with others that perhaps God has more work to do in your H before he is really ready to come home.

Sorry to hear the kids are in the middle....but that too is unavoidable isn't it? I'm glad you are not fueling that fire....