After 3 long years, H is home

[GoingForward]

Thanks, Corey.

Feeling a little drained today. H and I got into an argument last night that dragged further along in to this morning.

After work, I stopped at the grocery store for some things then came home. It was just after 9pm, so the boys were in bed, except for S3. Got him in his pj's then into bed, too. H was watching TV while I debated about whether or not to fix myself a late dinner salad - I was fairly tired but still kind of hungry. I did, then I went to sit on the couch with him while I ate.

Something was bothering him, and I wasn't sure if I should ask, but then he opened up on his own. He said he had to lay into S12 earlier because S8 came inside the house, bawling his eyes out. H asked what happened, and S8 told him that S12 was teasing him in front of a couple of neighborhood kids. S12 called him a "drama queen" and something else (I think 'stupid' or something close to that), then of course, the neighborhood kids had to join in a little, too.

Kids being kids. *Sigh*

H said he made S12 come back inside and that's when he ripped him a new one. He also said that if it happens again, where S12 is belittling S8, he sincerely hopes that S8 "punches the sh** out of him(S12), because then maybe he'll learn to knock this sh** off". I didn't say anything. Just kind of nodded that I understood and agreed. This is a recurring problem between our two older sons.

Then H said he asked S12 where he heard "drama queen" from, and S12 told him he got it from me and other family members. I realized and told H that S12 must have overheard us (my sisters, one of my nieces, and me) talking about how one of my other nieces was overreacting and trying to play my sister and BIL....acting like a little "drama queen". It was a joke! Just all in fun. During that same time (which was like a year and a half ago), I was telling my sisters and another niece of a time where S8 was being overdramatic, too. My niece then made the joke of calling him a "drama king". Again, all a big joke. Nothing was meant to be malicious.

Well H strongly disagreed. He said, even after explaining the circumstances to him, that he didn't appreciate his son being called that. He didn't think it was right. I told him I understood how he felt, but again, it was just a joke. This is how my family is. It's our sense of humor. We tease and crack jokes about each other, but it's never meant to do any harm. If any of the younger ones show that it's upsetting them (and this rarely is the case), we immediately stop, apologize, and tell them we're just playing around. Everyone understands. We all 'get it'. MIL and SIL get it, too. My H does not - he is the type who certainly has no problem dishing it out but can't quite take it in.

Anyway, H said it wasn't right. I said alright, I'm sorry. He said don't apologize to him. I should be telling S8 that I was sorry. I looked at H and said S8 wasn't even around when this joke was taking place, I really didn't see the point, but if he felt I should, then I would do it when he woke up in the morning. H said good, you do that!

Then he said that this "sh**'s gotta stop" with S12 teasing his younger brother all the time. H said he's been "allowed" to get away with too much BS for too damn long. I said, "I haven't ALLOWED him to do anything. I even told him earlier today to knock it off when he was teasing S8! He obviously doesn't listen very well." H said, "And who's fault is that?" I looked at him and said, "Are you saying that it's mine?!" H said, "Who's primary care has he been in for the last 3 years? Who's been responsible for his actions? When he's tormenting his younger brothers? Who's supposed to knock the sh** out of him and tell him that this crap is unacceptable? Who just f***ing babies them and tells them 'behave, you guys' and doesn't do sh**?!"

I got so p*ssed last night that I literally tossed my salad into the kitchen sink, grabbed my keys, and left. I went for a drive around town and parked near a park. I didn't care. I just had to get out of there before I said or even did something I'd truly regret.

All the while, I was thinking of what I wanted to rage to him about - where the f*** does he get off?!!! Is he perfect?!! "HIS son"?!!! I remember when he "never wanted to have kids with me"! I remember all the times he called me to say that he had to work overtime, when in reality he was going out doing his thing! What kind a man, what kind of a father, just walks out on his family, his children, while they are sleeping, and leaves it up to Mom to tell the kids the following morning that their dad isn't coming home?!!! This jerk has a LOT of freakin' nerve to be pointing out my faults as a mother when he hasn't been so 'saintly' himself!

After about an hour, I came back to the house and didn't say a word to him, although he tried talking to me several times. Just told him I was tired and in no mood to discuss anything further at this time. We could readdress it in the morning, if he'd like.

H said, "I think you completely took everything I said the wrong way.".....huh??!!!.....He said, "All I'm saying is that if my kids grow up to be f***-ups, then I would believe that it was my fault. They've been here with you for the past 3 years, and what I see in S12 is unacceptable." We said good night after that. No cuddling this time, but H did rub my arm a little in the middle of the night and said he was sorry that we weren't getting along. Not sure how coherent he was because he sounded like he was talking in his sleep.

This morning wasn't much different. The atmosphere was a bit tense. However, we did talk some about how we both feel that we haven't really been trying with each other. One says something that the other takes the wrong way, so then neither of us even feel like trying.

It's just soooo different now. 3 years apart and not consistently working on the R has been too destructive, I believe. I used to have soooooooo much more patience....and I can't feel it anymore. It's not there like it used to be.

Sometimes I wonder why I even wanted to try this, after all this time. In all honesty, I really didn't think H would actually move back in.

I think someone asked me on another thread that if I didn't have children with H, would I still have taken him back?

I don't think I would have. I don't think he would have wanted to come back either.