Thank you SO much for your words of encouragement!!!
OK, so he called me back and we talked for HALF AN HOUR.
THE CONVERSATION:
When he called, I picked up and said "Hey!" And told him that my new phone (DROPPING HINTS ABOUT 180's... he's been bugging me to get a new phone FOREVER) which has a super awesome ring that makes me want to dance. And then I told him that I was making miso soup, He asked me if I add my own seaweed...
Then I asked him how he was, and he told me he had just gotten off the phone with his parents. And he told me about how his grandparents had just moved into the retirement community that his grandpa used to be the pastor of, and his grandparents house sold the same day that they put it on the market! He said his grandparents were really happy to be living in their new one bedroom in the community, and how they already knew everyone there becuase grandpa has been pastoring there for years already.
He asked me if I had seen the movie The Savages, which is about two estranged siblings trying to talk their cantankerous father into going into a retirement community. He told me about watching it with one of his friends from church in Boston (GOOD, he is connecting with his spiritual community) and how much he loved the ending. He also said he is going to a red sox game in Boston with this same church friend (AGAIN, GOOD that he's spending time with people who really care about him).
He asked me if I had seen any good movies lately so I told him about Persepolis (awesome animation about growing up in Iran) and then Be Kind Rewind (disappointing, considering the potential awesomeness of a Jack Black-Michel Gondry combination).
Then he told me he wanted to share a song with me that he thought was really beautiful, which a guy friend of his had given to him on a mix CD. (AGAIN, good, b/c I have been hoping he has been spending more time with his good friends). He talked to me about how much he loved the tricky groovy rhythm of the bass line and the poem of the song, which is called "electricity really works!" So he emailed me a mp3 of this song by a poet/mc/hiphop artist. Also in the email was a link to B's new myspace page. I looked at his myspace page, and made comments about the comments others had made on the page ... one from his little brother, another from someone I didn't know whose profile picture was a picture of a bunch of ... oxen?? There was a third commenter, a pretty asian girl violinist (SCARY!!) but I didn't say anything about that.
I listened to the song while we were on the phone, and there was kind of a lull where he started working on his myspace page. I told him how much I liked the song, and said, thank you for sharing that with me, that was beautiful! Then I sent him a link to a silly youtube video of the vegetable orchestra... It is seriously a group of musicians and all of their instruments are made out of fresh vegetables!!! I told him to watch it at his leisure, and fastforward through the first minute. I told him it wasn't as beautiful as the song he shared with me, but just something funny, for fun.
Then he said, "it was nice to talk" and I said something like, "It was great to chat with you" and then there was an awkward pause and he kind of chuckled and said, "so I'll call you sometime?" and I said, "that sounds awesome" and then, "have a good night, take care, B!" and we got off the phone.
Wow.....
So, definitely a different vibe from the first call. A lot calmer, not as much excitement and laughing, but that's OK. I was laughing a lot, but he was just chuckling occaisionally.
It felt surprisingly comfortable... the way he was sharing with me stuff about his family, and what he loves about certain movies and songs.
I really barely talked about myself at all. Mostly I just made validating comments like "wow", "mhm", "cool!" "yeah" etc. So gave him space to talk about whatever he felt comfortable talking about, and let him take the conversation wherever he wanted. There were some long pauses, but they didn't make me uncomfortable. In the past I would have bombarded him with details of everything that happened to me today and all of my "problems".
MY CONCERNS: It was so comfortable, I am almost worried about slipping back into old, bad patterns. I think I need to think more about why I felt that, and figure out what vibe I was setting up, or what pattern I was playing into, so I can create a different situation, for a different pattern.
So... I am wondering... if I am showing enough CHANGES. None of my GAL activities are necessarily surprising--I was doing grad school, cello, yoga, aerobics all before the bomb. i guess anything different is good--my new phone, my new MISO habit. Listening more. Hm....
Next time I have to try to be the first to get off the phone. he was ALWAYS the first to get off the phone during the R. It's tricky though because I feel like I need to say something first to show him that it's safe and set the tone as light and friendly. And then if I am getting off the phone during "his turn" it is like I don't want to hear what he's saying.
POSITIVES: -I feel like he gave me an "opening" by sharing that song with me. Sharing songs could be a new way we could connect together... !! -we talked for half an hour -he told me about his family -he's hanging out with good friends of his (and all the ones he talked about are GUYS) -he wanted to share something with me that he thought was beautiful -he expressed interest in calling me in the future
So... what's next? I definitely need to listen to the tracks I don't recognize on his myspace page, so I am prepared to comment on them during our next conversation. And maybe think about some songs to send him... I have been getting really into ethiopian jazz, I could pick a few favorites.
Then I will probably wait to give him a chance to call. If it gets "too long", then i will reach out.
overall, I think this was a big success!! Going from 5 months of NC, to a 6 minute positive conversation 5 months ago, to a total of 42 minutes on the phone today... that is... 7 times as much talking as we did last time!
I'm sorry this is SOOOOOOO long guys... !!!!!
thank you all SO MUCH for reading, caring, supporting, sharing, you are all AMAZING treasures....
