Totally Lost after 23 years

[CBK]

Thanks Stella and Addie -

All in all, just a bad day. The IC wasn't great either - I giving him one more shot, then switching over - I am trying to be patient with him. The good news is that he has heard of DB and DR and was familiar with Michelle's work - that was a good sign. I just feel we re-hash what we did at MC. Next week I am actually going before MC, see how that works.

I forgot to mention in my "ranting" after MC, that when we walked out the door, W said a few nice things, wanted to hug me, but I walked away. That was my "good for me" piece, no physical touch - that was so tough, I just kept my hands in my pockets and walked away, hoped in my car and cried for 5 minutes and drove home.

Now is the time I need to be strong. I even whispered that to myself in MC today - I need to be stronger.

So hard to figure this all out. I gave up a lot of my support network because of the OM and didn't want to talk about it with them as I promised my W - so between my IC, MC, one friend in DC, and this Board - this is all I have, which is a blessing in many ways.

I was realizing tonight that one of my fears is GAL. Although we live in a nice area, all of our friends are married. My W works close, so has friends from work, I travel and all my friends are back east. So where does a 46 year old guy get a life when all his friends are "our" friends? That hasn't stopped W from going out with the ladies from this group, so need to do that.

I know I am very insecure right now, I want somebody to want me (sounds like a Queen song) - somebody to hold me and tell me I am needed. These are some of the 180's I need to do.

W will get home pretty soon, she has asked that I respect her space, so no telling what happens for dinner - not that I am eating much, it is always good to see her though.

The 30+ lbs I have lost feel good - physically feel pretty darn good, know if I could only eat and get my mind right, then life will be good.

To the first month of a LOOOOOOOONG journey.