Thanks Woog! I am glad you are conscious again, at least for now. You still need a lost of rest though, I am sure.
H has made some personal strides I think, being more open to helping out with the kids (my sister HATES when I say that, b/c "they are his kids, he is NOT "helping out"" ;)). I still think it is good for him to make the effort to do more with/for them. He always used to be great with S, but the past year with his A and all that, he hasn't been around as much as he used to. I think being gone all week at his job in Iowa lets him see how much he has missed....
Honestly I am getting scared about tomorrow. Red, I promise I don't mean anything bad by this, but your post tonight added to my worry. I am thinking that is the answer I will get. That he doesn't want to work on us. Or that we are not "fixable". That would be so sad b/c I think we are totally fixable, but then I am not the one who ever wanted this to end....
Point being, I told him last Sunday that I needed his "final answer" this weekend. B/C I can't do this any more. And really, I know I can't. So one way or another, something will be changing this weekend.
If it is for the better, I am not expecting butterflies and rainbows, or any of that chick flick stuff. I just want to be able to "relax" a little around H. For some of the eggshells to go away. To be able so say things like "where are WE going for dinner", or "what should WE get for D's birthday", etc.
If it is for the worse, then I know so much will be changing. We already live apart, but if the answer is "not interested", then I will not be spending the weekends with him like we do now. Of course, for the kids' sake we will have some family times together, but it will be different. But still, I will be able to start looking for "my" new home and make plans for "my" life. It isn't so much that I plan everything around H, but there is a big difference in planning if you don't have to factor in another person....
One thing that sticks out in my mind from last Sunday, when we had the talk that led to me saying I needed a definitive decision. I know this isn't DB, but I mentioned to H:
You say you keep making bad decision after bad decision. You left one job to move to KC, that was a bad choice. You left the KC job for Omaha, you think that may be the wrong choice. You bought the black truck 2 yrs ago, that was wrong. Now you think the new truck you got to replace the black truck may have been a mistake. If you have made all of those "wrong" decisions, aren't you concerned that you would look back on this (giving up on your wife and family) and think that it was a mistake?
H looked me straight in the eye and said, "And you are certain that this (staying in the M) is the right decision?"
I am wondering what he meant. If he was challenging the idea, or wanting me to help "sell" him on it, convince him that it was possible? I suppose I will never know.
Sorry to ramble, as I said I am getting nervous.
H actually called at 7 and left a VM on the home and cell phones, asking me to call him back. I did around 8, and filled him in on the hospital tour we took tonight to prep for Nathan's surgery. He laughed at my description of the kids in the scrubs they had to wear to go in the OR. He asked me some home-repair questions, we chatted for around 10 minutes or so. Nothing earth-shattering. I keep listening for clues in his voice, I didn't find any either way. He sounded more like "real Dan", though, to me. A lot of that edge and bitterness aren't as pronounced as they were in Dec-Feb. I sounded totally casual b/c that is the way I am approaching his calls, like no big deal.
Enough rambling. I will check in with you guys before I go to bed. Time to put the little ones in their beds........
