first things first...for easier reading try to break your post into paragraphs...
ok, you've asked a ton of questions, I'll do my best to answer them...
Quote: So what do you do when you have flashbacks..is it better to try to suppress those thoughts when it first occurs or should you address them together..it would be nice to do it in counseling but a counselor can't be there 24 hours during the day.
depends on what triggers them...there are times when the flashbacks will simply come along due to something inside you having nothing to do with h or anything else...I find at times it's best to just let them go...the more "stink" I make about them the harder it is on h and I to work on things together. you'll have to find your own balance.
Quote: It's funny how they come about..a word or material object can bring it back. I get this hot, heavy, breathless and sick feeling first in the pit of my stomach, then it runs up my chest and neck when it comes..not quite sure what it is..more like a whirl of emotions..rage, anger, pain, confusion, etc. At that very momment I feel like I was there all over again. So far I have been pretty good about trying to stay calm...punching bag, working out, walking away etc.
sounds like anxiety...good that you've found ways to "deal" with it...in re to walking away...if h is there just let him know it's going to take you some time. it does start to occur less and less as time goes by..
Quote: And I've also gave my H a few hints on what triggers it
excellent!! and how does he react when you let him know these things??
Quote: now since he's back in the picture he opened an old wound", also I tell him I need reassurance from him on his part in regards to what happened and how he feels has been helpful for me.
yes it is the opening of an old wound...but that wound is healable...with the right antibiotic..some from you and some from h..
how has h been doing at offering reassurances to you?
Quote: So what do you do when you experience them and how do you handle it?
try to think of something else... remind myself that was then this is now... look toward the future... come here and rant away... on rare occassions let h know...
Quote: Is it normal to feel like you want to be revengeful (I honestly would love to punch OW out,
YUP!!! I have many fantasies of kicking her a$$, actually the latest involves her being tossed into her own pool during an open house. (she's selling her house)
Quote: would you recommend it or not..probably not for humanitarian reasons, but at the same time it would give me brief momment of pleasure in a non-christian way
a BRIEF moment of pleasure is all it will give you...then you will be left with guilt and shame for doing it...best to leave those feelings for her and the betraying spouse. the best revenge toward her would be to have a happy successful r with your h!!
Quote: Should they be remoreseful, for me husband feels like he made a mistake and was wrong, but he has so much pride that he justifies it partly being that it would never have happened if I didn't do wrong in the first place.
being remorseful and feeling like you made a mistake and were wrong are very similar...understand that the betraying spouse is likely to place some of the "blame" for the a on the non-betraying spouse...if you weren't so...if you didn't ... don't let it get to you...in time h will realize that though you had a responsible role in the downfall of the r you are not in any way shape or form responsible for his choosing to have an a as a result of a failing m.
Quote: Also do you think an EA is any easier than a PA? I can distinguish between the two but at the same time it's hard to not believe that they don't go hand in hand?
honestly for me the ea is harder to deal with than the pa!! if h was simply physical with someone I would just percieve him as a dog...it is possible to have sexual relations with someone without an emotional connection...the emotional connection my h shared with ow is more hurtful to me than if it were just him getting laid by her.
they don't always go hand in hand...it is possible to have sex without an emotional connenction just as it is possible to have an emotional connection and not have sex.
Quote: How do you handle the doubts and fears..."if he/she really loved me and cared about me and our marriage why would they have done that, isn't cheating the ultimate betrayal and destruction to a relationship?"
I do my best to handle the fears...I come here...I try to note the possitive changes h is making...I try to understand the fear and that it's ok to be afraid but also note that in being afraid I am denying both h and I the right to a truly satisfying r...the fear will fade with time...with each possitive interaction.
yes, cheating is distructive...it is betrayal...but it does not have to mean the end of the r. it means the r was already broken down...one party sought what they were looking for or needing elsewhere...the old r is in a sense destroyed and must be rebuilt...thus "piecing our m back together" a new r with the spouse must be formed....
Quote: and is there really blame on both parts of the spouses to what lead up to the cheating?
not blame but responsiblilty...each partner played a role in the downfall of the r...that still doesn't make you responsible for the cheating though.
Quote: And do you regret talking to OW,
not at all, I may regret some of the things I said...but I'm glad I spoke to her...actually she often wouldn't shut up...now at least I know how pathetic she is and am certain that though her and my h had something...it wouldn't have lasted..and obviously didn't as he came home as soon as she made herself fully available to him (she was married and is getting a d now)
Quote: how much should you pursue in knowing more from spouse?
only what you want to know...and if h is comfortable with giving answers...that may take some time.
Quote: how would you react if your spouse were to tell you that at the time this is how I may have felt or wanted at the time to be w/ OW or OM but now they realize they just used her/him to hurt you or used them as a crutch/ distraction ... can you believe that is true or just a lie to soften up the previous blow?
in my case I would love to hear it...I'd believe it...after all it is the truth anyway isn't it...it just takes some longer to realize it than others.
Quote: are we ever going to forget after we forgive???
I doubt we'll ever forget...but just like those embarrasing moments that you thought would be your end..in time they fade to a distant memory...
