Refuse To Lose, Part VII

[RMG77739]

RMG - Don't worry about it. I know you were joking, but man, who wouldn't want to throw that one out there. It is soooo tempting and difficult at times to resist tossing that "truth dart." I could only hope W will see that for herself.

RefuseToLose,

I know how very difficult that can be to resist. My exWAW said:

I am a woman who can be trusted.

I wanted to ask:

If you are a woman who can be trusted, why can't you stick to your marriage vows?

I just bit my tongue and smiled..........

RMG

[RefuseToLose]

RMG -
Did I read correctly in your signature that you are W are back together? That is awesome! Did W ever file for a divorce? I'm interested in all the positive stories I can get. I hope I'm reading that right.
RTL

[Tomato]

RTL

Just stopping by to keep up with you and let you know I am thinking of you. You are awesome man.

Peace be with you. Good night.

[AliSuddenly]

Hi RTL,

I agree with the others, it often strikes me that you have to ask permission when you can see your own D, but the courts havent even rules who has what custody yet, so why should you let her decide all the time? I would tell her when she can have her back, that kind of thing! Why not?

Your W is so childish... you make a perfectly nice and fair suggestion.. you have D this weekend for your birthdays, I'll have her next weekend.. and her answer to that is that you are a bad father !!??? Its just peverse. Her view of the world is quite twisted at the moment. I can only wonder how she is managing to conduct a healthy R with a new man the way she reacts to you and all the situations that crop up. She seems so bitter and paranoid alot of the time. Anyway, I thikn its brilliant that you are getting so much help from the DB coaches, becuase your sitch is a minefield right now, you have to tread so carefully!! Sounds like you are doing a really good job though and things havent escalated further (and she has dropped some of her earlier more ludicrous accusations).

How are you feeling about your W now then? Do you still love her? I was just wondering becuase she must surely be testing your love to the limits with the way she has been behaving, but I'm sure you still do.

Any news from the parenting evaluator yet? It does seem to be dragging on...

Ali
________________
Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years
IDLYA: 2 Nov 07
Own flat: 26 Jan 08
Depression confirmed: 4 Mar
backing off?

[NoDirection]

You need to fight for your time too, it is your daughter as well. Speaking from experience, your STBX in all likelihood could be using your daughter to get what she wants.

Stay strong and make every attempt to compromise but fight for what you want. Appeasement only makes things tougher, again I am speaking from experience.

Wish you luck...

[RMG77739]

RMG -
Did I read correctly in your signature that you are W are back together? That is awesome! Did W ever file for a divorce? I'm interested in all the positive stories I can get. I hope I'm reading that right.
RTL

RefuseToLose,

To make a long story short, Vashti dropped the bomb in October, had EA/PA with OM in December and filed for D and the D was final in March.

I first started corresponding with Esther in July. Esther and I actually met on what would have been my thirteenth wedding anniversary (September 8) with Vashti in CA. Esther and I married in late November.

So, it was not a DB success story. I simply did not feel I wanted to ever be back with my exW based on her actions. I also came to the grim realization the woman I loved was NOT who she really was. I felt I needed someone who understood what marriage and commitment REALLY are. Esther gets all of this. She is a blessing beyond words.

I wish you all the best.

Take Care,

RMG

[RefuseToLose]

Ali, ND, and everyone else who chimed in w/ such great words of advice. Thank you. You are right on, folks. Thanks!

Here is my update...

W sent me an e-mail about the time and place to pick up D on Saturday. So, I sent her off a reply oking the time and location. I had to take one of the dogs to the vet b/c he has an infected anal gland, so I also told her about that so she was in the loop.

However, the best part of my response was in telling her, NOT asking her, when I'd like to see D in the upcoming weeks. I laid out the schedule and said I'd be willing to accomodate her on pick ups and drop offs.

W sent a this afternoon first saying I still haven't addressed her "issue" of my telling D to lie to W and keep secrets from her. She then said we had "agreed" on her having D for the birthday weekend and my having her on the following weekend.

I sent the following reply:

Thanks for getting back to me. Our original discussions centered on the upcoming weekends only, not on the week days. We are in agreement on the birthday weekend and the weekend after, but I would like to see her during the week as well.

I am offering to pick her up from (daycare) on the 22nd and bring her back to you at (location) on the 24th. I will do the same for the following week, picking her up at (daycare) on the 28th and return her to you at (loacation) on the 30th.

As for D keeping secrets and being told to lie to you, I don't know what to tell you. D and I don't talk about divorce and we don't talk about the marriage. We pretty much just hang out and play, so I really don't have anything to add to that conversation. Thank you for letting me know and I'll keep my ears open. If anything like this comes up when D is with me, I'll let you know.

I'm proud of my ability to state what I wanted and I should get (time w/ D) as well as to acknowledge her "issue" without being defensive or combative.

I won't be saying anything more on her claim. What I put is basically verbatim of the notes I took down from my session w/ my DB coach yesterday morning. We had both hoped to have this conversation verbally, but since she brought it up again in the e-mail, I thought it would be good to get it out and have a written record of it.

W sent back the following:

Our original discussions were not about weekends or week days. Our original discussion was about visitation. PERIOD...This is what you asked for and that is what you have.

I replied: "I was under the impression we were discussing the upcoming weekends only and not the week days. I am in agreement to the weekends we've discussed, but I would like to see her during the week as well. It would be unfortunate if I couldn't see her during the week."

I'll send it off then see what she has to say in response. If she balks again, I'll let it go and not drag it out. The court and the parenting evaluator will see what is going on here as it is very clear. If I get another reply like this one, I will simply say, "That is unfortunate" and hit send.

Less is more. I'm keeping it simple, not defending or taking the bait, or caving into her tantrums. My reply e-mail will be proof enough.

As usual, I'll keep you posted.
RTL

[RefuseToLose]

RMG -

Your story is a success, just not the one I misread. I have struggled w/ the fact of being 37 and single again and feeling that I may as well be wearing a scarlet letter when I'm out b/c of being divorced.

I have struggled w/ the potential stigma of being divorced b/c I've feared that women would think there is somthing wrong w/ me. Thus, hearing your story is absolutely a success.

Thank you for sharing.
RTL

[RMG77739]

RMG -

Your story is a success, just not the one I misread. I have struggled w/ the fact of being 37 and single again and feeling that I may as well be wearing a scarlet letter when I'm out b/c of being divorced.

I have struggled w/ the potential stigma of being divorced b/c I've feared that women would think there is somthing wrong w/ me. Thus, hearing your story is absolutely a success.

Thank you for sharing.
RTL

RTL,

Oh, man...... Over the course of six months of dating...... I had many women who simply REFUSED to believe my WAW did what she did..... They were always attempting to find the "real" reason believing I was lying...... I had a few women ARGUE with me about my wife walking away... They said things like, "A woman would NOT do that if you REALLY wanted to work on your marriage!" The underlying implication was always an unwillingness to work on M or maybe I had an affair and was lying...... They were DEAD wrong! I guess they are not in touch with what is really going on in Ms today.... At any rate, be ready for this..... I highly recommend you kick any woman to the curb who does not believe you..... Life is way too short for that kind of woman....

In the end, please, please, please be open and honest with women about what happened..... I ACTUALLY printed up my e-mail correspondence with WAW and gave it to Wifey before we got married. I know it was hard for her to read about how deeply I loved my WAW.... HOWEVER, she was able to see my heart and how hard I tried to make that work..... The right type of woman will GREATLY appreciate a man who wants to give his all to a R....... As Wifey says, there are not a lot of men like that out there...... Some woman will really appreciate you and all you have learned...

Take Care,

RMG

[RMG77739]

RTL,

You have to be ready for some women to be judgmental. When this occurred, I politely asked about her relationship history. What I found was even though they were not married, without exception they have either lived with a guy or had a sexual relationship. Hence, they were "married" just without the piece of paper. Once I kindly pointed this out, most seemed to see things in a different light. What is better? A guy who lives with a woman for years and does not commit or a guy who marries a woman and commits?

Take Care,

RMG