Hi everyone,
I kinda new to posting a thread on here. I posted once a long time ago in the beginning when this all happened, but stopped. Meanwhile, I have been one of those lurkers reading up on stiches and giving some feedback.

I'm sure you would like to know a bit about my stitch, but it's hard for me to go into much in detail, I guess I've tried my best to block it off. But here is the abbreviated version. Married for 9 years (got married as a teenager), have 2 boys..4 & 7. I've been going to school for 7 out of 9 years and things have been hard/stressful for us. Last June H dropped the bomb, "I love you, but not in love w/ you and I'm not happy and I want a seperation..then later a divorce...then back and forth w/ the 2", being cold and withdrawn..I tried to pursue and work on the marriage on my part..found out later that month that there was another girl..OG (b/c she was only 19, H 27 and me 26)..I ended up moving out by myself w/ 2 boys...he continued to see OG from work and eventually moved in w/ her for 2 about months (he did come back once for 2 weeks, didn't work out and he left) we started marriage counseling in late September...by then I was an emotional trainwreck (I'm sure you know what I mean by trainwreck) to the point of being suicidal...I started reading all Michelle's books and other books on relationships...I basically tried everything desperately trying to save my family and marriage...went through the whole pleaing and begging phase..made a complete fool of myself..I was a complete mess..somehow I ended conversing on a somewhat regular basis w/ OG...we were finding out what he said or did (we were still sleeping/seeing each other from time to time mostly him yelling at me while I begged and cried)..I found out a lot of things I probably shouldn't of, or more than I needed to know...did the stalking thing..he ended moving in Oct. to another city to live w/ best friend to get away from OG and me..or problems and to work..supposedly ended things w/ OG (it did dwindle off at one point but I don't know exactly when for sure..he said around the time he first moved there)..I graduated from school and everything changed for me..emotionally I was a different person..focused on myself and my 2 boys..moved on w/ life started dating and tried my best to block off what happened. This whole time I was on my own..moved to a new place across town..got new vehicle..new job...basically a new start got rid of all the old garbage..and he wasn't involved at all in my life, or boys..also not financially. I did pursue child support through the state (slowest process ever, it didn't really go anywhere either) and I told him if he really wanted a divorce then send me the papers and I will sign (which I've been telling him from the start but he never did). Since December..I have totally moved on w/ my life and accepted his decision and what had happened...I realized what type of mistakes we both made...I was verbally abusive when we fought etc. and realized what went wrong...everything became clear and I was at peace...my life was calm and I learned to love myself and how I wanted to be treated, what kind of person I wanted etc...dated a few people..but at this time I was really picky about who I wanted to be with in a longterm relationship..wanted to do everything the right way and not confuse the kids...but I was pretty happy just being by myself w/o a man...a bit stressed out doing the single mom thing and wished I had more help w/ that, but otherwise happy w/ life..found different side of myself..I stopped pursuing, crying, begging, worrying about what he was doing or seeing since January..I didn't do it for him or my marriage..b/c I gave up on it and I was just moving on w/ my life, finding stability for me and the boys and focusing on us instead. Did all the feel me better stuff..new wardrobe, worked out, the day spa, doing things I enjoyed and what the boys enjoyed..by Feburary H started sensing some changes, told me he still loved me and we started talking as friends..by March we were getting back together slowly. At that point I wasn't ready for him to come back..I was having too much fun w/ my new life which he didn't know about being in another city...we talked and I sensed an emotional change on his part..more I love you's, phone calls and weekly visits, we even took a trip together alone...about 2 weeks ago on one of his visits he told me he had a surprise for me...thinking it was for Mother's Day...some present maybe..but later he told me he was moving back next week...during this whole time I have been going w/ the flow..not getting to emotionally involved w/ H's change of heart just in case also I wasn't sure on my part how I felt or what I wanted. To say anything, just kept quiet..I did tell him I loved him..b/c I still did and always will (can't forget 9 years and 2 kids). But I wasn't sure if I was in love w/ him anymore.. a lot of resentment for what he did..had evil flashbacks from the past of our whole seperation..OG etc...still do...and that is why I am here...he wants to go to counseling again to work out our issues..which we are in the process of trying to find a good counselor..he has moved back in for a week now..I have had a few breakdowns myself d/t the flashbacks..and we had one arguement about the past..he blames me for things that leaded up to the seperation and I blamed him for the seperation/cheating..a lot of pointing fingers being defensive and at one point I doubted my decision..still do at times but unlike before I kept it to myself (I know I have changed because I do a lot more thinking before I react/or blurt words out)..I tell myself to give it some time, miracles don't happen overnight... communication has been a problem for us but we just had a great heart to heart/ full blown honesty chat last night. I even found out some things that probably would of sent me off the cliff but I stayed open minded and calm, we both did. Which made me feel much better about what direction things are going, couple of days ago..there were times I felt like giving up. A lot of issues to work on..trust, communications, falling in love again etc. And I know we have a long road ahead...I told him I loved him and I know that I do and I do love my family..and it's worth trying..you'll never know until you do otherwise I may regret it if I don't later on that I didn't give it my all and passed up an opportunity to keep our family together..but at the sametime I'm afraid too, I'm afraid of being trapped in a unhappy marriage, getting more resentful of what had happened, bitter and ending up like my mom...staying married for the kids and convience. I know what type of man, marriage and family I want..he may not have all the qualities that I now want in a man (what I wanted back when I was 18 is a lot different from what I want now) but we have been though so much together, we have a family together, I feel like we belong together and I do love him, maybe not in love quite yet..but I have fallen out of and back before w/ him and I know it is a possibility..(we were seperated for 2 months 7 years ago, similar situation). Deep down inside I do want the white picket fence dream w/ him...I now realistically nobody has that ideal marriage and family life..but I'm willing to try for it. But I need help from all of you to help me through the resentment and the fear..I feel that I have forgiven him but the hard part is forgeting...I was fine when he was gone in another city, for some reason the flashbacks don't come unless he's around..and it has gotten worse as we saw each other more..almost like post-traumatic stress disorders like what Vietnam Vets go through..but all I can say it was all a process for me..I keep up on a few people on the messageboard and I remember myself in that desperation phase..it seems like a long time ago but also yesterday..I made so much progress from there and I don't ever ever want to be there again..that was the lowest point in my life so far and I promised myself I'm not going to allow myself to fall apart like that again. I told him that this is the last time and I won't be here ever like this if it ever happened again. And he told me if I asked him for a divorce (which I did when I was angry routinely once a month or a few months when we fought..I don't know why I did that, asking for something I never wanted..a few clues related to my mom, testing or hurting him the only way I know...which he feels is the number one reason why he left and used someone else to hurt me, to "teach me a lesson"...he feels none of this would of happened if I stopped a long time ago..he said he heard it so much that he thought it was going to happen sooner or later..then emotionally detached..so why not just leave..and to leave with a bang...) Anyways, I'm getting pretty longwinded here..lots to say about what happened..just trying to give you a glimpse of what brought me here to this point in time..I don't want to get into too much detail..because my husband has already put a keylogger (which reads everything I typed) on my computer once to check up on me to see if I'm cheating..I told him last night about this website, he kind new about it..but I still have to watch everything I type..basically I'm here to meet other people who feel similar to what I feel or am going through..and would like to develop a support group outside of our marital counseling. Hopefully, I'm not the only one feeling these things, I'm sure I'm not and it's probably typical for some people...but whether or not you are..I would like to hear from you and about your situation...it's nice to get some insight from a different perspective. And I would love to help in my own little way if I can for anybody out there who wants it. Otherwise thanks for listening and I don't know about where you are..but it's a beautiful day outside and I'm not going to waste another bit of it indoors... so meanwhile take care of yourself and your hearts..I know all of you wouldn't be here if you didn't have one. Love Dimples p.s. didn't proof read this..so sorry for the typos.