Cagz is really moving ahead Wierd...

[Underdog]

Hiya Cagz,

LOL, do we have to jump all the way to you visiting them in Iowa and perusing their new photo albums? Even I think that's a big aggressive! How about a more genteel plan of just waking up and offering up a prayer for your in-laws, taking a deep breath and exhaling deeply and just offering up some general forgiveness?

I'm pretty sure if you wind up traveling to Iowa, you're going to have all the facts and your expectations will be far different than you could imagine now.

I can definitely relate to marrying into a family of secret keepers. Oy, Mr. Wonderful's family is very much like that as well. Then when a truth needs to come out, it's a twisted theme with a very different facade. (Did I ever tell you that my late MIL told everyone that I kicked Mr. W. out because I didn't approve of his DUI? Yup, that was her story and she stuck to it. Imagine everyone's dismay to hear that he moved out all by his big boy self?)

Exhale. I know you're not like that and you don't have to play in that ball game by that set of rules. I'm just thinking that when you feel agitated by thinking of this, you just consciously make a choice to feel empathy for them. That's all. No big grandiose plan or a book to read to convince you that you need to change. Just a simple commitment to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I am really looking at MY LIFE and what I need to do to prepare for MY FUTURE etc. It is so strange to not have it linked to H in anyway. Things like savings plans, buying a home, the lack of retirement that i have and how I need to build it and NOT depend on H. Those things have been strange.

Oh, baby, I should tell you that even though it gets a little easier, it's still hard! I'll tell you that today I'm having one of those days where I really miss having a husband and someone else to help me make a big decision... I'm overwhelmed by this fence thing and feeling like I'm never going to get ahead. On my drive to work today, I actually caught myself in one of those horrid, mindless thought traps that goes something like this, "Oh, K, if you had not left me, you'd be making this decision for me. I hate taking care of myself and this big house all by myself. Blah, blah, blah." I'm pretty sure you could fill in more blanks for me!

That lasted about a minute and a half, Cagz. Hell, I'm still feeling sorry for myself (I figure I owe myself a pity party every once in awhile) but I quickly got rid of that thought about Mr. Wonderful taking care of me. It's ridiculous, sappy and absolutely nauseating. What I really need to do is win the lottery or have someone leave me a lot of money. That way, Mr. Wonderful wouldn't pop into my head when I'm feeling a big cash crunch. Isn't that beyond pathetic? I hate that part of me when it happens. It's revolting and makes me absolutely sick.

The big girl me knows that it's my time to take care of things. Perhaps the ultimate lesson is for me to finally GET that I can and do take care of myself and my girls. I may not like these damn surprises or setbacks, but the simple truth is that I have done a pretty good job of things in the 5 years since he left. Why the hell can't I just tell myself that this, too, shall pass? Why do I drag him into my thought process when things get hairy? (Find me that pukey icon and I'll insert it here...)

You're not weird, Cagz. Not by a long stretch. So how about you give yourself credit for shining in a job that has been demanding and horrifying at the same time? The truth is you're doing a great job too. You'll continue to do a great job. Failure is not an option, and your picture is next to that quote in the book at NASA.

Big hugs, friend.

Betsey

p.s. I sincerely doubt that your MIL is ever gonna break out the photo album of H and Bimbo either. I don't think you're going to have to worry about that for awhile. Take it easy!