OK. We had counseling tonight, which we haven't had for 4 weeks b/c of us being sick, then counselor being busy & then out of town the next week...
Anyway, I really have continued to be angry at SBH for putting me in a position where I felt like an adulterer, which, as you said, Sandra, set me up to leave a open entry for satan to slip in. I have really thought about that a lot in the past few months. I used to not believe in satan, just in the badness inherent in human nature, mainly due to our physical needs...But I felt so strongly that I was in a race against satan during my As, and now even pre-A; I felt so bad, and I was working on it, trying to solve the problem, but I was falling short, and the devil just stuck his nose right in and I was not strong enough to resist the temptation he presented. I knew my career and my marriage were on the line, that if I didn't get my head cleared I was going to be ruined. Partly, I was SO AFRAID of the hell I was heading for, I stuck my head in the sand and just kept on praying for help, without really having the guts to face what I really needed to do.
When I was in high school, and the first semester of college, I used to read my Bible before bedtime every night (well, weeknights, anyway...). I went to church in H.S., with myboyfriend (but my initiative, just went to his church) because my parents didn't go to church. My dad is too cynical.
Anyway, after I was molested, about a couple of months, I started to feel so bad, and the prayer didn't seem to be helping, and I got so tired because I was so depressed, and working so hard in a double degree program (piano performance and psychology) (I've always been the Billy Joel "Should I try to be a straight A student - If ya' are then you think too much" kind of person). I stopped reading & praying. Got mad at God. After many many years, I finally realized that if I was so mad at Him, I must really believe in Him. heh, heh. DUH! My faith started turning around at that point.
In fact, I started attending church almost the same week my first A started (as far as I can remember)! Again, that race with satan...
Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I now have MUCH MORE faith - I am very much more in touch with my gratitude for all that I do have, and less sorry for myself for the things I don't have at this point in my life. What a difference that makes. And I am much more calm about things - the future - knowing that, hey, if God brought me through the past year when I was behaving so badly, just think how much more He will be able to do when I'm on His side!
But also, and mostly trying to focus on, He has done so much for me. I have so much to be thankful for (like, He'll even forgive me for ending a sentence with a preposition!!!)! I don't really need anything else. I will just take life as it comes.
Tomorrow I start working at the kids day care. For $7.50 an hour. Plus free day care, which comes to about $12,000 a year for my two at this point. Not what I was making before, but not a terrible salary. I don't know yet if we can make it on just that & what SBH makes, but I have faith we will find a way.
And I'm sure He has something out there waiting for me to do, that will earn more money, but, more importantly, be serving Him more fully. But, if it's day care for the next couple of years, I will undertake to do it joyfully! Another realization - I have been SO unhappy as a psychologist - really even felt like maybe it wasn't the job for me, but I thought it was what God wanted me to do. I took all the blame for being unhappy - it's my depression, it's my motherhood, it's my position in THIS particular practice - I need to get therapy, feel better as a mother, change practices - it never really dawned on my that the bad feelings could be God telling me I needed to find something else to do.
Don't I feel sheepish now, having irrevocably lost a career that God was trying to tell me to walk away from before it ever got to the mess it got to. And, which is worse, hurt my husband so terribly in the process.
Well, SBH and I do have some very tough issues to discuss. And we really did both crawl into our own cocoons when the hurt came on so strongly a year-and-a-half ago. Our C was telling us that today. But the truth is, we are typically so good at discussing difficult issues - we almost always clarify, make sure we understand the other person before we respond, we're compassionate with each other, respectful, loving...well, we just got so mixed up last year, the pain was too much and we both coped in a distancing manner.
We will not keep doing that now, I'm sure!
Sandra - I know JUST how you feel about being mad at yourself. I told SBH tonight after the C session - when he said I was unfaithful it hurt so much, because I am NOT an unfaithful person. That has meant so much to me throughout my life. I am passionnate about that. NEVER have cheated on anyone. Even in high school. Even guys I was just seeing casually (i.e., dating no sex). I would make a clean break before I would move on. I feel so ANGRY that SBH made me feel so bad about myself, left me so lonely, that I was vulnerable to do something that I would NEVER EVER DO!
And, like you Sandra, I have LEARNED MY LESSON. I rarely make the same mistake twice. I'm a quick learner. And you can BET this will never happen again.
Thanks, again, for everyone's support.
I've stolen as much time as I can from my family - kids are banging down the door!!!!
I really want to read up on your sitch, Sandra....Hopefully in the next couple of days!
And, which is worse, hurt my husband so terribly in the process.