I just hate having to keep guarding my heart against the person I love with all of it. Sometimes I wonder if I really want him back because it will be better or if I just want to win. I mean I know I want things to be better, but a part of me is terrified he will come back and I'll look at him and go "Ick, I really didn't want you back." Is that bad? Does anyone else ever feel this way? I guess its kinda stupid to even be thinking like this when that is not a reality, but the "what if's" get your hopes up. I'm going to have to keep working on just taking it easy and just keeping up the "friendship" portion, that seems to be what is working in my favor right now. Not talking to him only seems to drive him that much further away.
Sometimes its hard to have conversations with him, as what he tells me is brutal and a blow to my ego, but part of me feels good that we can even still talk. He told me last night that he enjoys talking to me, I don't know if thats a positive or a negative, but I guess if he needs to talk and will talk to me, I should do it.
This sucks....I'm going to the gym
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
