Saving Myself

[smokry]

sorry, but i feel the onus is on the disgruntled partner to make the other understand, even if it takes eight years. no slight intended but before the disgruntled one acts out his or her disgruntledness, maybe something like "Honey, I'm unhappy. We need to change or I am going to have an affair," should have been said. It would definitely get someone's attention.

Well maybe in a perfect world you could tell your spouse that and he would be so understanding and have such an epiphany that the marriage would be miraculously healed (excuse the sarcasm!)but this is NOT the perfect world. I TOLD him time and time again I was unhappy. I TOLD him we needed to go to counseling (which he will NOT do even to this day). I TOLD him going to bars 4 to 5 nights a week wasn't working for me and that I needed him to spend time with me. I THREATENED to start going to the bars myself (which I didn't)and it didn't phase him. I wrote him a LONG letter a year or so before the A telling him I felt we were slipping away from each other and that we needed to make some changes or our marriage was not going to make it. I TOLD him in writing, I told him verbally, I begged, I pleaded, I yelled, I was distant, I talked calmy, I threatened to leave him...NOTHING I did got through to him, I even had some of his best friends talk to him... but he was in his own pain and solving it by going to bars and ultimately meeting the OW that he had an EA with (I still think it was a PA). Maybe in your sitch your W didn't tell you she was in pain and your marriage was in trouble but in my sitch- I made it VERY clear. AND it was very clear to our friends and family as well. I NEVER thought "well if we don't make some changes then I'm going to have an affair". It is not something I planned, it is not something I thought I would EVER do. (It came as quite a shock to those who know me). I can't even explain it...I was so empty and miserable and unhappy. I didn't realize at the time just how miserable I was. (I see it now- but you know what they say about hind sight!)My mom always says that if you provide the opportunity then satan will provide the temptation. And I allowed myself to provide the opportunity. Enter in the "sympathetic" mutual friend of ours who started telling me what I NEEDED to hear from my husband but wasn't and before I really knew it things were out of control. And in hind sight I realize the OM knew exactly what he was doing by playing on my weakness. I look back now and can't believe I was such a fool! I AM smarter than that and I NEVER saw it coming. I really thought he was a friend and that he cared about me...turns out he was interested in things other than friendship (duh -how stupid can I be?)My H hasn't forgiven me for the A and won't even acknowledge that what he had was an A. But more than that- I can't even forgive myself because I thought I was stonger than that and better than that. I am extremely ANGRY with myself that I let it happen and I can assure you it will NEVER happen again. I do learn from my mistakes and I will never put myself in that position again.

Sorry to hog your thread...just wanted to respond to your comment and let you know that in my sitch it wasn't just as easy as saying- "hey there's a problem here!"

I've been following you and your W's thread- keep up the hard work!