i guess one of my problems is i am possessive and jealous. our troubles from january before last stem from that. i was upset because i felt you were not loving me as much as you could because you still loved xbf. I read your July 4 posts. I never demanded a letter of explanation from you. I just wanted a love letter as a way to make peace. reading the words makes them more real to me, i guess. God knows I never and still would never insult you or make you feel like a whore/adulterer. You are my wife, my lover, and my best friend. I was never made to believe or understand you were "feeling lost and alone and humiliated and like an adulterer!" i didn't know i was doing that to you and i wish you realized this before things went too far. to me being unfaithful and being an adulterer are different. being unfaithful is an emotional affair, though i didn't know to call it that back then. it is like you want more than i can give and i felt i was being replaced by your wishes for something more. my saying "our marriage is no longer perfect" was simply my starry eyed belief that marriages meant people don't argue and live for only each other. totally unrealistic. adultery is physical. period. i guess i make that distinction because i care so much about feelings and being so close to you. i never understood that the thoughts about xbf were due to your pain from him and not due to your love for him. i just didn't understand my anger was making you feel like a whore. thick headed and dim witted. i am sorry. i feel better having read your last post after you and i talked last night. your words on the bb "I stewed and worried and felt guilty about the decision to have the As BY MYSELF." made me sad because you never had to go this alone. you weighed your options and you made a decision to cheat on me instead of trying harder to help me understand. you gave up on me. your other words "we made love one night and I started crying b/c I felt so close to him, but it was painful b/c I'd only ever felt that close to one other person, and I'd never really gotten over the grief/pain of him 'using' me our senior year of college and then dumping me just before graduation," makes me feel guilty for not understanding that your tears were about the pain you suffered by xbf's hand. i just thought you were still in love with him. and you knew that. i just thought you were in love with him still and i am/was too possessive to allow you to love anyone but me. i wasn't man enough to let you hurt my pride and all that was left was my jealousy and look where it got me. i am sorry. i hate where we are and i hate what you did and i hate the way your family handled it and i hate my contribution to it. i hate my contribution to it. everything you said after that night was filtered through my "warped" and jealous mind. I thought you still loved him...i thought you still loved him and i wanted you all to myself. greedy greedy greedy. stupid stupid stupid. i am sorry. i didn't understand what you were sharing and just how important it was. i'm sorry. that is why i felt there was a difference between the molestation and (what i thought was) your love for xbf. "But I still feel wounded about being called an adulterer, and all that has happened since. It is going to take me awhile to trust HIM again." i never called you an adulterer even after your affairs. i hope it doesn't take long for you to trust me again. you kept saying you were lonely, but i was working the overnight schedule because we decided it was a good way to make more money. a decision made together. i asked many many times should i change schedules and you kept saying i didn't need to. do you understand what i am saying? can you see what i was going through at that time and how oblivious i was to what i was doing to you? you never told me you felt like a whore. i would never do that consciously. i understand where you were and i am so very sorry. this has all been pretty devastating for us but i know we'll pull through. thanks for the chat last night. it helps me very much when you apologize and promise it will never happen again. I promise to understand you better and to love you even more. God bless us.
as for smofry's words:
Quote: For 8 freakin years I tried to tell him we had a problem then when I started the A- THEN he started to worry about what I was doing and what was happening!
sorry, but i feel the onus is on the disgruntled partner to make the other understand, even if it takes eight years. no slight intended but before the disgruntled one acts out his or her disgruntledness, maybe something like "Honey, I'm unhappy. We need to change or I am going to have an affair," should have been said. It would definitely get someone's attention.
