I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[butterflymom]

Today I am exhausted. I was doing well and my life seemed to have settled down. What I was going for by going dim and detaching was to have a period of calm and peace, where H and I could had some interaction but we would both pretty much concentrate on our own lives, maybe see each other once a week as a family or something. I followed the suggestion that I not tell my H about this, but just do it.

Well quite the opposite has happened and I'm not really sure what to do - BFM, maybe you can help me with this.

Last night my H started talking to me and it was like a dam had burst. He is still out of town, and it has only been a short time of my going dim, but my detaching has elicited quite a reaction. He is scared, and last night it all started coming out, his fear, his frustration, he started bringing up the past and expressing his hopelessness, that he is a loser. He talked about how much I've changed and that I only changed because of what he did to me. This went on for about an hour and a half, long distance and even when we were saying goodnight, he could have continued. I know there is more to come.

What do I do now? My gut tells me that my H and I really need to do some talking about what we want to do now, whether we want to try to make this work or take a break. I know my H is terrified that I will start dating and he will lose me. But I also feel that he is not yet ready to fully commit to our M. Any reassurance I give doesn't seem to help him. The simple fact of my doing things w/ friends causes him anxiety b/c he thinks that if I'm out there and there are men around, he stands to lose me.

Any thoughts? BFM, I'm especially curious to hear if you went through this w/ FW.

What do you do now? Only you can REALLY know that, but I can tell you what I did at this point. FW did almost exactly the same thing and was scared of the same thing your H is scared of. He hated the thought of me with someone else. He hated the thought of our kids being tucked into bed every night by another man, he hated the thought of all he had worked for (house, family, kids, wife) "belonging" to someone else. He didn't want to lose any of that, but the pull of OW was so strong (FW has said that the endorphins and the "rush" of the affair is some incredibly strong stuff that made him feel like he was king of the world. A feeling he didn't want to lose either. So he was incredibly torn as it seems your H is too.

I remained calm and still. I didn't initiate any R talks with FW at this point. I let him come to me, and he did. Almost daily in some form or another. This stage with FW lasted about 1 1/2 - 2 months. I still see him as "faster" than most MLCers - just to give you some perspective of a time frame here. Patience is of the utmost importance.

I listened A LOT. There was very little talking from me, very little of my opinion about his relationship with OW or about if I thought what he was doing was right/wrong (I did slip up sometimes, but holding your tongue is hard to do all the time). I held back and let him talk and work stuff out on his own.

I let him know that I wanted our marriage to work, but that I would be fine if it didn't.

I let him know that my cue to "move on" and find someone else would be a final divorce decree - he kept saying that maybe we could get a divorce then possibly get married again later sometime in the future.

What's your "final straw"? When will you move on? Make sure your H knows you have a breaking point and you won't continue being single and waiting for him forever.

I let him know that I wasn't going to date anyone until we were fully and legally divorced. I also let him know that that was my decision, not due to hoping he was coming back. It was my decision because morally it wouldn't be right for me to do that. That it wouldn't set a good example for our kids to date while I was still married - whether we were living together or not.

I let him know that I was praying for him and the OW. That I was praying for both of them to listen to God's will in their lives, whatever that might be. Even if it meant that he and I weren't supposed to be together.

I told him that I prayed for for him to find peace of mind and for God to help him with the confusion and tough decisions he was facing.

I prayed for guidance for myself. I prayed that God would help me show FW love like He would show him love.

Sometime I listened to advice from people on here and sometimes I didn't. YOU know your situation better than anyone. Look at the advice given on here and take what works for you and leave the rest.

Good luck. I'll keep following along.

BFM