We can work it out (part 3)

[Starshyne]

I chose "We can work it out" as my title because I am learning this great Beatles tune during my guitar lessons and the words really seem to speak to me.

I realize that I have never posted the full story. I just jumped in head first into what the issue was with the OW and went from there. Here is the whole story....

August 2006: While I was gone to a Beatles convention, H seeks out a prostitute. He kicks her out of the car in the middle of the act because he can't believe he is doing such an awful thing.

October 1, 2006: H informs me about the prostitute because he believes in his mind that he has an STD (most likely HIV).

October 2006--March 2007: H and I are in MC and work though many issues in our marriage. H goes to IC and works on himself. H goes through about 10 tests to prove to himself that he doesn't have an STD. Our marriage seems to be better than ever (in my eyes)

July 2007: H gets a job after being unemployed for 9 months. We go on a wonderful vacation and decide to start trying to conceive in 2008.

December 24, 2007: I walk by H's cell phone and it beeps. I look at it and see a text message that says "U 2 Babe." H denies knowing about it. From December 25-January 1, H continues to leave and not come home until 1-2am.

January 2, 2008: H finally admits that he has a friendship with a girl that he met through work. He says that their friendship means just as much to him as our marriage. Tells me that he no longer loves me romantically. For the next 2 weeks, H stays at OW's apartment only coming home to shower and eat lunch.

January 12, 2008: H tells me that he is not sexually attracted to me and bascially hasn't been for years, not since before we were engaged. Said that he married me because he knew I would be a great wife.

January 14, 2008: I tell H that he has to decide between me or the OW. He chooses the OW and gives me the keys to the house. In the middle of the night, he comes back home saying that he was wrong and loves me and wants to work it out.

January 16, 2008: H wants to go back with OW. I beg and plead and cry. This is known as the night Sara went psycho. After H left I followed him to the OW's apartment where I sat in the parking lot and cried. When I came home, I read the entire DR book and found this site.

Feb 1, 2008: H talks to a pastor/friend and decides he needs to break it off with the OW and come home. Still in contact with OW, but lying about it. Tells me that his plans are to stay in the house with me until he can get enough money to afford his own place.

Feb 18, 2008: OW says something that makes H really mad and he once again breaks it off with her. She contacts me and says that getting involved with a married man was the biggest mistake of her life and is sorry...

March 7-8, 2008: OW ends it with H for good. Says she will get a restraining order if he ever comes around again.

April 12-13, 2008: H stays out all night and doesn't call. I get really angry about it. Attitude in H is starting to change (postively at the moment)

So there you have it...the whole ugly story. H is still acting very kind to me. He mowed the lawn! Did some dishes, washed the towels...stuff that he typically would do around the house. I like the changes, but I am not sure how long they will last.

[Rob1231]

Hi SS,

My good friend SD asked me to stop by your thread a while ago, I finally had the chance. I've skimmed over some of your previous thread, and wanted to comment on your post.

I chose "We can work it out" as my title because I am learning this great Beatles tune during my guitar lessons and the words really seem to speak to me.

I like it! As a fellow "Name My Threads After Songs" person, I can relate - and I'm glad your choice demonstrates both hope and determination.

I realize that I have never posted the full story. I just jumped in head first into what the issue was with the OW and went from there. Here is the whole story....

Now, I'm afraid that I have to "call you on this one." What you have done here is posted "the whole story of H".

How about another post which could be called "the whole story of Starshyne"? I firmly believe DBing is about saving yourself first and foremost. No matter what else happens, you CAN do this - be happy, strong, and confident - regardless of what happens with your H and your M.

Saving your marriage comes second - and can only happen in those fortunate sitches where the WAS is eventually willing to let it happen. Time and patience will tell....

In the meantime, let's see a post all about you. What are you doing to GAL? What are you doing to build yourself up, and exude that PMA that makes you the most attractive, happy person around?

[JeffSTL]

Hey Sara its Jeff, just checking in, how are you doing

I see things turned better for you this weekend. Be careful
I still don't get why he stayed out all night whithout letting you know what he was doing "common courtesy"

Michelle says in her book, if you get positive signs, don't make a big deal about it. My opinion, I think a little reward would be OK, something small, like letting your husband know that you appreciate him cutting the grass or whatever (positive reinforcement)

I'll keep in touch and I'll pray for you, looks like things are looking up for you - based upon your post above, it looks like your husband has some issues, be careful, work on yourself, thats something no one can take away from you

Trying to stay happy while my heart gets ripped out. Looking for love and affection and getting little or none.

Jeff
M45
W41
D9,D6, D6, S5
OM Confirmed 12/07 Merry Christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 still going strong

[Forrest Gump]

Well Star..

My take on it is he is testing you. He is checking his boundaries.

I mean lets get one thing straight.. I don't care what kind of man you are, how you grew up, it is basic man 101 that you call if you are not coming home. If you don't you know damn well you are going to hear some crap.

I don't really understand why.. but he kinda wants you to stand up. It is actually a little confusing to me.. but its there. This weekend was a prime example. Something you said, something you did got his attention.

This is what really has me thinking that you got soft as time went on. Just something in your posts says there is a strong woman in there just wanting to break free. He wants it too. Just not sure why.. as I said it confuses me. He is certinally not the typical man.

[Starshyne]

Haha Forrest. I have said for years that my husband isn't a "typical man" and now someone else says it. It goes way past him not liking sports, doesn't it? My IC said the exact same thing Tuesday night about him wanting me to stand up to him. That seems to work in some strange way, so I am keeping at it. It is totally out of my comfort level, but what isn't?

Things are still going alright. I mean alright in this situation. H is actually doing things around the house wihtout being asked: mowed the lawn, fixed the door, helped with dishes, did laundry, etc. He is leaving me notes telling me where he is and last night he made sure that I knew that he had a busy day today and wouldn't be home until at least 7pm if not later. He also seems to be happier. Humming around the house, laughing at things that typically make him laugh and starting conversations with me. I find myself actually enjoying my time with him.

I also noticed somethign yesterday that might not be anything, but you know how we cling onto small signs? We went to church last night. Before he was sitting miles away from me in the pew. Seriously you could fit 2-3 other people between us. He would scoot down and put his Bible, a hymnal, a jacket...whatever between us. Last night he sat next to me. Not touching me or anything, but he sat next to me like you would someone that you went to church with. I know it isn't a big deal, but I did notice it.

As for me, I am still detatching. Reading books, working on the computer, practicing the guitar. I am not getting my hopes up with this change in behavior. I am just enjoying it because I realize that it might go back to the way it was the past few week without notice.

Sara

[MichelleLT]

I find myself actually enjoying my time with him.

Always a good thing!!!

Last night he sat next to me. Not touching me or anything, but he sat next to me like you would someone that you went to church with. I know it isn't a big deal, but I did notice it.

While it's good not to see something like this and go "we're cured" I think it is a nice baby step that should be noticed.

I am just enjoying it because I realize that it might go back to the way it was the past few week without notice.

Great attitude! I need to try and be there too!

[klm]

I agree with FG. I think he is checking his boundaries and he also wants you to stand up. Maybe he wants you to be confident and know what you want. I think you did get his attention.

Don't let his kindness allow you to slip back into "taking care of him mode". You are a strong woman sara, you will eventually see it.

How have the past couple of days been? Is he still being nice? How are you doing?

[klm]

Ok, didn't see your post before I submitted my last post!

Glad to see things are still going good. I think you sound great and have a great attitude.

[Starshyne]

Another thing that surprised me is that he did his own paper work and didn't even say anything to me about it. Yippie! Remember that last time it was due, he got really angry because I refused to do it for him. That time I "walked" him through it verbally. Well...I noticed it was done and ready to be put in the mail. He didn't ask me to even look at it or anything. I am really happy about this. It may seem small, but this is HUGE for my H and his independance.
Sara

[MichelleLT]

Yay! I do hope you managed to sneak in a compliment about it somehow!