Totally Lost after 23 years

[CBK]

You give me hope - and that is enough for me right now! Thanks Addie.

[CBK]

Well, getting psyched up to go to MC today. Have read so many posts over the past hour which is helping me get my mind right. This will be the first counseling where I do a 180. I usually go on and on when MC asks questions, or don't even look at W when she is talking - today, I will look her in the eyes when she speaks. Will empathize and really listen to what she is saying. When I get questions about me, I will only talk about me and not about how I felt nagged or couldn't do antything right, will turn that into I didn't understand what W wanted and should have listened better (a lot of truth to that).

I wrote this for her after our second MC and figured out what she really wanted:

I Never Meant to Hurt You

I thought you were happy
I never heard the cries
I knew we were not connecting
So I tried to fix what I thought was wrong
Never asking what you needed
or what you thought
Today I have a better understanding
Just how broke we are
I never meant to hurt you
I just couldn’t hear the cries

Me

Unfortunately, she may never get the chance to read this, or several other pieces I wrote, but it made me feel better!

Wish me luck

[CBK]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, just got back from MC - I was not strong! I was doing so well, the MC brought up the OM - I tried to hold strong saying this was her issue to deal with - even though I know that she thinks she loves him and doesn't love me any longer. Then she said that she wants to stay in the house and I should move out so she can have her independence - I said no way am I moving. The kids are coming home next week and I said you wanted the sep - and want to be on your own, so go for it! She turned it around that I am using the kids - and I wasn't - I was sitting there thinking what a bi$%$! I got upset at the MC at the end saying this was not a good session for me as I am trying to listen more and then I break down and start to cry. I tried to hold them back, but the waterworks started.

Shoot - at the end, we walked out, the W said she is not judging me in the MC session - BS!!! Everything I do is being judged. I am so pissed off right now it is not even funny.

I am so friggin lost right now, because of the OM, I have broken off some of my support group because I couldn't tell thme about OM - so her she is telling everybody that our marriage has been broken for so long and that we will separate because H is an a@@ and didn't figure me out. Part of that is true, but she is not going to tell anybody about the A. That is part of the reason I think she needs to be the one that moves out - that it wasn't all my fault and the issues are deepre that what she is saying to everybody.

God help me - I am not a violent man, I always though myself fair, a little slow on the clues, but a good man.

Durning the session, she even said that some jewlery I gave her for her birthday was not as cherished as much because she I told the story during a dinner party that I spent 2 friggin hours in Tiffany's shoping for her - she said that story should have just been ours. I said I was trying to tell them how special you are and it took that long to pick out just the right piece. I can understand what she is saying NOW - but why the F couldn't she have said things to me before.

I am so frustrated!! Luckily, I have IC tonight. I am going to have to find another guy as I don't think he is that helpful sometimes...

Grant me pease of mind Lord!!!

[stella_k]

((CBK)),

I'm sorry that the MC didn't go well. Don't worry too much about the backslide. You are still new to all that, give it some time. Things will get better. Don't let anything your W says or does get to you, she is not herself right now. Doesn't matter how unfair she is and what she tells about you, don't defend yourself, don't try to explain things to her. Just listen and try to validate her feelings. I know how frustrating it is, but please try to remain calm and positive.

I hope it will go better with IC tonight.

[addie]

CBK,
I really don't know if MC is the answer right now. It is important that you should continue with IC and your W as well with her IC, but with OM in the picture and W wanting a D, now may not be the time for MC. It will only reinforce to your W that the R issues are not solveable. I'm sorry the session did not go well at all.
Don't worry about breaking down. There will be setbacks along the way. Just try to refocus on DB.
You mentioned talking to a DB coach. I don't have any experience with one but have only heard good things on here.

[CBK]

Thanks Stella and Addie -

All in all, just a bad day. The IC wasn't great either - I giving him one more shot, then switching over - I am trying to be patient with him. The good news is that he has heard of DB and DR and was familiar with Michelle's work - that was a good sign. I just feel we re-hash what we did at MC. Next week I am actually going before MC, see how that works.

I forgot to mention in my "ranting" after MC, that when we walked out the door, W said a few nice things, wanted to hug me, but I walked away. That was my "good for me" piece, no physical touch - that was so tough, I just kept my hands in my pockets and walked away, hoped in my car and cried for 5 minutes and drove home.

Now is the time I need to be strong. I even whispered that to myself in MC today - I need to be stronger.

So hard to figure this all out. I gave up a lot of my support network because of the OM and didn't want to talk about it with them as I promised my W - so between my IC, MC, one friend in DC, and this Board - this is all I have, which is a blessing in many ways.

I was realizing tonight that one of my fears is GAL. Although we live in a nice area, all of our friends are married. My W works close, so has friends from work, I travel and all my friends are back east. So where does a 46 year old guy get a life when all his friends are "our" friends? That hasn't stopped W from going out with the ladies from this group, so need to do that.

I know I am very insecure right now, I want somebody to want me (sounds like a Queen song) - somebody to hold me and tell me I am needed. These are some of the 180's I need to do.

W will get home pretty soon, she has asked that I respect her space, so no telling what happens for dinner - not that I am eating much, it is always good to see her though.

The 30+ lbs I have lost feel good - physically feel pretty darn good, know if I could only eat and get my mind right, then life will be good.

To the first month of a LOOOOOOOONG journey.

[CBK]

So W just gets home from work and asks if I have had dinner. I say no, so she asks if I want to share something she is making. I said sure, asked if she needed help, she said no (good old microwave) so I said I would be upstairs.

I am trying to be strong during a horrible day.

[CBK]

Got busted snooping today! I can't believe how hard it is to NOT snoop. I don't even know what it would get me. A few days ago, I admitted to my wife that I looked for phone bills, her email and cell phone - not sure what I was looking for, but decided to stop. Well I thought. She told me today the phone bill is online, so of course, in my idle time today, I went to the cell phone web site and tried to look it up. It locked me out and then sent an email to my W! She brought it up in MC and I totally admitted it. Said it was hard, even though I know she is still talking to him.

What this did - she said one reason why she felt she had to call him was that I WAS snooping... talk about driving your W into the OM arms... that was the first contact she had in over a month with him. Big backslide. Like I said, rotten day.

[stella_k]

I forgot to mention in my "ranting" after MC, that when we walked out the door, W said a few nice things, wanted to hug me, but I walked away. That was my "good for me" piece, no physical touch - that was so tough, I just kept my hands in my pockets and walked away, hoped in my car and cried for 5 minutes and drove home.

CBK, I'm not so great in giving advice, so please take my opinion with a grain of salt.

ok, here goes.

I think you should have let her hug you when she wanted to. You are going to be friends for a while, remember? And you are going to validate HER feelings. Now walking away when she was saying nice things and tried to give you a hug may have left her feeling insecure. As a friend you have to try and do the opposite , you must create "a place of solitude and safety" for your W and be the rock for her (stole it from someone else's post, so true!). AND - it doesn't sound like that was a "good for you" piece after all.

Your GALing - how about working out? Sorry if you have mentioned it somewhere on your thread already, I didn't see it. Gym was and still is very big for me. You can meet new people there AND feel good about yourself.

Here I have copypasted a post from SvenTheRed (I have a problem with creating links recently), found it on the old thread, "Advice from those in Piecing". I love that post! I hope you will find it helpful too.


"I don't know where to start, so I'll just roll out a couple ideas and things that worked for me. The story is too long to do it justice in one post.

I should also note that it doesn't work for everybody - as much as we'd love it to. A lot of what I did worked, ever so slowly and with a fair amount of luck.

First off, what really made the difference for me was to stop letting fear rule my life. Fear of what post-D life would be like. Fear of what my kids, family, friends would think of me. FEAR - ever paralyzing. When I let that go, and started to LIVE, BREATHE, as if there was plenty of life to live, for me was out there it was a huge weight off my shoulders. And with that I was able to focus again on the things I needed to do as a MAN, Father, son, brother, friend, etc. It was then that I GAL'd and with that melted the FEAR on my AWAW's heart that I would again hurt her or make her feel outcast. It took a long time. So secondly, is patience.

One must also remember (for those where the WAS is having an affair) that it is simply an escape. They are running from a what they perceive as a miserable place. Reality is the OP is not the solution - so try and not let them get under your skin. The work of the day is making yourself a better, changed person. If you are a man, walk with dignity and strength. If you are a woman, have compassion for your WAH and his confusion. Either way, I can confirm that nagging, begging, pleading, or whatever doesn't work. Be strong, for yourself.

With that, work on yourself. Get to the gym, join a club, whatever. Heck, I totally overhauled my group of friends, lost 25 lbs, joined the Fire Department.

When it comes right down to it, all I did was to make myself the "better" option for my W. I KNOW I became a different person from the one my W married. And truth be known, I didn't much like that guy (the one I'd become). A wuss. Ick. So I took my life back, for me. Changed it. A direct quote from my W from a couple months back as we were painting our kitchen together. "You know, you've CHANGED. I mean really changed." This coming at a time when I had just lost my job and we had a lot of uncertainty coming at us. I'll tell you, I have changed, but I did it for me. A nice circumstance of that is that my marraige was saved. But note, it was a circumstance, NOT the goal.

I'll leave it with a couple more thoughts. First, read as much as you can - Michelle's other works (CYL is great), or other things - Mars/Venus is great stuff, For Men Only or For Women Only, and for the men specifically, a quick and easy read is Hold On To Your N.U.T.s. But secondly, don't try and wrap any method 100% around your situation. There are similarities, but we should always delight in our differences. Use advice as a guide but don't lose yourself in it.


I thought I'd finish with a recap of the journey I have been on..."

[CBK]

Thanks Stella - great post.

I guess the reason I had to walk away with my hands in my pocket is that a hug would have broken me down to tears - but I see your point.

One of the realizations I had last night when I was journaling and reading other posts was how much I depended upon my wife for just about everything - which is just the opposite role we played when we got married! Becasue of my job, I don't have "my" friends where we live, where she does, which is great (well, except for one :-)) and the others are "our" friends. I do work out about 3 to 5 days a week depending on my travel schedule. I am trying to think of things to do, to GAL.

Thanks again Stella - appreciated.