Totally Lost after 23 years

[addie]

I do want her to stay and want to connect again emotionally with her. I know she isn't there, may not get there, but I do want to save my marriage.

The best way to do this is by becoming her friend again. This is a slow process but the best chance you have at saving your M. Give your W space, do not plead with her about not seeing OM. There are no guarantees but the chances are graet that things will die out with OM.
In 3 months my H has gone from moving out, saying he was going to file for D, having a PA, and now wanting to move back. I have given him a lot of space, I do not initiate contact, no R talks even when he brings it up I just listen and validate (180's for me). He keeps telling me he appreciates how patient I've been with him. We are now friends again. He knows that he can talk to me. Just an example of how things can change.