The big box at the bottom of the page is misleading.
The big box says save your marriage
To which I responded
Quote:
This is very simple, Forest. If you don't believe in DBing, then leave.
IMP, I believe you misunderstood what FG was referring to. He was referring to the big empty box "Quick Reply" at the bottom of the page where you can respond. He wasn't referring to Save Your Marriage which is right at the end of the page. This was in reference to Runs confusion as to whether FG was responding to her or to MMB.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
DB does not condone affairs by LBS spouses. That isn't an opinion. That is exactly what the moderator said. And as someone who agrees with the basic provisions of DB, I will repeat it.
The fact is that MMB is doing something that is not DB and wants validation. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. Besides she is not being honest with the object of her affections. That is not DBing. So what MMB is doing is wrong. If she wants validation she should go to myhusbanddumpedmesoIamhavinganaffair.com. MMB even admitted that this current relationship started poorly. It is time for MMB to step up to the plate and be honest with this man. One of two things will happen. Either a) he will dump her immediately or b) he will prove all he is doing is screwing her. No matter what, this is not the way to build a solid relationship or improve a failing one and MMB has said as much.
Come on, MMB, do you want to save your marriage or not. If so, having an affair is wrong. Why? Because it is a lie.
You said this. "How about we let the moderators do the moderating (it is their job, after all!)?"
Please go back and re-read what was said yesterday evening by a moderator. The moderator was clear on two aspects of this thread. a)I have not been disrespectful and b)the affair is wrong.
I totally agree with IMP on the premise of this board. DBing is not going to condone anyone having an affair as a practice of a 180 or GAL. That's not being judgemental at all. DBing is not always going to save your marriage, but it will improve your life if the marriage does not work. Affairs are not about improving your life or a way to cope with the crappy hand life is dealing you right now. That's not judgemental or disrespectful- it just basic life 101.
I would love to help MMB, but as mentioned- she's not ready. Right now, she is validating her actions.
When she is ready to work on DBing, I am sure many will help her. But she does have to step up to the plate.
I am not going to say she shouldn't post here. By all means, post away- but when you air dirty laundry don't get upset when we try to hand you some soap!
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
I like shoes. They come in all shapes and forms and most have an actually purpose for particular situations. I have running sneakers, weightlifting sneakers, dress shoes, work shoes, and my favorite kick around the house shoes. All these shoes have one important aspect in common, they protect my feet and comfort them to some degree. I don't wear certain shoes because the just don't meet my situation, so therefore my lack of 6" stilletto high heels (MMB-that would be a sight-6"4" tall 250 pound dude in stillettos).
Situations and rules follow the same concepts as shoes. All rules do not apply the same to all situations. It is for the readers of this board to apply the rules and suggestions of DB'ing to their particular situation. It would be short sighted of us to try and apply the situation to the rules because personal dynamics don't work this way. So the true goal should be applying the rules to you and your relationship. I know for a FACT that MMB has applied many of the DB'ing rules to her situation and has disregarded some. That is a choice she needs to make for herself. Now with her making her choices, she has asked for advice but has instead received judgement. There is a huge difference between judgement and advice and one which we should all look at before we post to another persons posts. We are free to post what we want as long as it fits into the moderators accepted criteria, but lets do so with caution and thought (Which FG seems to do excellently).
MMB has had an affair and it works for HER. It might not be set on the right premise or in the perfect time frame per the rules of DB'ing, but it is her choice to make. Maybe better replies to MMB might contain "why's" to the reasons pertaining to not having a relationship outside the marriage while DB'ing. Or maybe a few "This is what happened when I did it". I will not argue with any poster that there will be a price to pay for her actions and MMB knows this. But in her actions she has gained a higher level of happiness and her husband has noticed. Is that not the end goal og all the 180's and GAL. She is moving on and GAL'ing in a manner that works for her at the moment. Is she supposed to sit at home and wait with a smile on her face for her husband to come home. I don't think so. My wife has read some of the posts on this board and her response was "What a bunch of idiots sitting there pretending to be happy waiting for their spouse to return". MMB is not sitting there waiting any longer. If you don't agree with her actions give her CONCRETE substantial answers and experiences that show why her actions might not be the best path instead of just saying the DB book says it is bad and passing judgement.
I have read some of the DB successes on this board and also on three or four other boards and I see a common thread in about 50% of them. The WAS see's the reality of their choices the greatest when the LBS start a relationship with some one else. It is the ultimate LTR. I think this may even apply greater to "good marriages" and MLC'ers because the WAS loses the security foundation of KNOWING that their LBS is sitting at home waiting for them. MMB has decided to move in this direction at a pace that DB'ing might not agree with but is her choice. It was not her choice to be the LBS , but she has gained part of her life back by making a choice. It is our part to help her with advice too see the ramifications of her decision, but not one to pass judgement.
The WAS see's the reality of their choices the greatest when the LBS start a relationship with some one else.
That is nonsense. When you start a relationship with someone else, you are bringing a 3rd party into things. If the goal is to save your marriage, then you are using that other person.
Quote:
I have read some of the DB successes on this board and also on three or four other boards and I see a common thread in about 50% of them.
Again, nonsense. I have been around here for 7 1/2 years off and on (versus your 2 omnths). If that 50% number was true, I would know it.
What it comes down to is this. If you are having an affair, you are not DBing. End of story.
I agree that when the WAS sees the LBS get their life in order and move on to a new R that the WAS then realizes what they have lost and what they cant have anymore. It seems that the LBS comes out in the end much better than the WAS who finds that the grass is not always greener.
"Affairs necessarily hurt people. It's never the right thing to do."
Quote:
"MMB -- no ultimate good can come of the affair."
There is no way any of you can spin an Affair to make it good or right. If that is what you are bent on doing perhaps DB is not for you.
An affair is a most vile of actions carried out by someone who promised fidelity. Think about it.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
