Where do...I...go from here?

[tpaschal]

hi there...
I am sure your IL's are so embarrassed by your H's behavior. My IL's were mortified by the way H just up and left...

They kind of blamed me too, and now they don't even talk about what went on while we were S...kind of like it never happened. Not sure I like that either!

My IL's are fantastic people but they are still H's family. I guess what I am trying to say is to use them as a support system but don't let them pour too much of their disgust about H on you. If H and his mom reconciled their differences tomorrow, would she still continue to be a true supporter of you?

Momof2,

Hello! Yes, my IL's are embarrassed. In the past, when people heard their last name and said, "Oh, are you Dr. So-and-so's parents?" they were so proud to say yes, and talk about their wonderful son the doctor, and his wonderful family, and so on.

Now? They dread it. My MIL told me just a few days ago that now when people ask her that, she just says "Mmm-hmm," and doesn't say anything more, just gives them a distant, faint smile if they keep talking about H.

My IL's do blame me, too, especially my FIL. Of course, he had serial affairs throughout the first 25 years of their marriage, and he always blamed his wife. (She suspected, he always denied, and it was never confirmed until very late in the marriage. They separated once for 18 months but reconciled.)

So, it's my FIL's pattern to blame the woman in a man's life for anything he does wrong. What matters most to FIL is how badly H is treating the kids. That really flabbergasts him. He can't wrap his mind around it, and that's why he's been so supportive of me and the kids.

MIL is a very critical person in general, and tells me everything I've done wrong, and what I continue to do wrong!, but she also knows that this is H's problem and even if I did things wrong, the way he's handling things now really has nothing to do with me. She lived it her whole married life.

So I'm not sure that she and my H will ever be able to reconcile as long as he's in MLC. If he ever comes out of MLC, even if H and I never get back together, she might be able to have a relationship with him again. And I would want that for them.