Totally Lost after 23 years

[stella_k]

Hello CBK.

Sorry about yesterday, I didn't mean to yell at you :).
It was late and I was getting ready for bed and in a hurry to get off the board.

I am doing the same thing - promised my H that I wouldn't tell anybody and I didn't. Just wanted him to know he can fully rely on me. I guess I wanted him to know that I'm still his best friend.

Congratulations on the first baby step! You're doing great job and it seems like you've got plenty of positives already.
Keep it up and try to be patient.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Eagle 2]

CBK,

You have alot going for you. Believe me when I say that working on the R is much harder while the D has been filed and is proceeding. The OM sitch sucks but you are not living with daily legal bombs and the ticking clock of a pending D.

From what I can tell you are doing well with the DR techniques. Let her have space so she can make a unpressured decision. You have all the time in the world.

[CBK]

Okay, I did the wrong thing... I am working out of the house today and went pick up trash. My wifes diary was sitting there... You know the temptation was too much. So I read - she started this diary when she dropped the bomb.

Not great stuff. Although I knew she was continuing to talk to OM for emotional support. He isn't sure what he is willing to do. Even her counselor said the two of them have a strong emotional connection and she says that there is no spark with me or could never see us together again. She knows she will probably loose the other guy eventually. She has basically seen our long marriage as just the right thing to do. She is so attached to this guy right now, there is no hope for "us" - but I get that.

She also said that she is going to stay through the summer so she can fight for the house in September when the kids go back to college.

HELP - what I am going to do in MC today is tell her that I cannot work on us as long as he is in the picture, nor can she work on her as long as he is in the picture. That is the only thing I am going to say about the OM today. No more, no less. I am half tempted to ask her to leave the house in May and move out on her own. Is this the correct thing to do?

She says her reasons for leaving is that it is too late and now she has seen what a true emotional partner can be like - she doesn't love me (still rips my heart out).

The sad part for me is that she said interupted my call this morning to say good bye - this was right after she wrote in her journal.

NOW WHAT?

[addie]

HELP - what I am going to do in MC today is tell her that I cannot work on us as long as he is in the picture, nor can she work on her as long as he is in the picture. That is the only thing I am going to say about the OM today. No more, no less. I am half tempted to ask her to leave the house in May and move out on her own. Is this the correct thing to do?

She says her reasons for leaving is that it is too late and now she has seen what a true emotional partner can be like - she doesn't love me (still rips my heart out).

Don't place all your hopes in MC. As long as she is involved with OM, the likelihood that MC will succeed is very slim. Some counsellors will not work with a couple when one Sp is still involved with OP. If your W really wants out of the M, why is she in MC?

Right now her view of you is very clouded by her "feelings" for OM. These feelings are temporary and will not last. Once that euphoria starts to fizzle, she will start to question her feelings for OM. This may take time.

If you ask her to leave, that will make her angry, get you farther away from your goal and may push her right into arms of OM. September is still several months away - a lot can change between now and then. You need to be patient if you want to save your M.

[CBK]

Thanks Addie - my life is just buzzing around right now. I was so happy last night and this morning when she said goodbye - why did I have to read that friggin' journal... Should I at least say that as long as she is involved with him - we will have a hard time becoming friends or something? I know this is HER decision, I do want her to stay and want to connect again emotionally with her. I know she isn't there, may not get there, but I do want to save my marriage. Maybe I should just try and connect in MC since it won't happen at home right now. I am so confused. I know I am not supposed to talk about OM at all, but is it safe in MC just to say I don't like it. But that doesn't matter to her if I like it or not. I guess I just have to let the river run its course.

Groan.

[addie]

Should I at least say that as long as she is involved with him - we will have a hard time becoming friends or something?

Don't bother. She won't really hear anything you have to say right now about OM and it will come across negatively to her. You can still be friends even with OM in the picture. Try to be supportive, listen to her, validate her feelings even if you don't agree - say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. Smile, talk about non R stuff.

I definitely will not judge you with the snooping. I am guilty of it myself. I have learned from experience - it will not resolve anything and will only end up hurting YOU more (such as this morning). It makes it more difficult to remain on task with DBing as you usually want to react to what's been discovered.

[stella_k]

CBK, just think of what you'd say to MK if you haven't read W's diary. Whatever you feel like saying right now is fuelled and clouded by emotions. Don't get so upset over what you've read in the diary. Addie is absolutely right - your W is under OM's spell right now and does not hear/see anything you say or do.

[CBK]

Thanks Addie - this was a huge set back in my mind. I really appreciate your thoughts. I am going to go for a walk between all my conference calls and before counseling to clear my mind. Do some DBing. I am thinking of getting a DB counselor to assist as well.

[CBK]

Great advice about what I would have said before I read the diary to the MC. I know they want to go back and find out what my issues were in the M - will do that but reflect on how I felt, not what I though my W was doing wrong.

My stomach is in nots right now, I am glad we have MC and I have IC later today.

Thank you.

[addie]

I do want her to stay and want to connect again emotionally with her. I know she isn't there, may not get there, but I do want to save my marriage.

The best way to do this is by becoming her friend again. This is a slow process but the best chance you have at saving your M. Give your W space, do not plead with her about not seeing OM. There are no guarantees but the chances are graet that things will die out with OM.
In 3 months my H has gone from moving out, saying he was going to file for D, having a PA, and now wanting to move back. I have given him a lot of space, I do not initiate contact, no R talks even when he brings it up I just listen and validate (180's for me). He keeps telling me he appreciates how patient I've been with him. We are now friends again. He knows that he can talk to me. Just an example of how things can change.