Steelers I wasn't implying you saw your H as a cash machine but from what you had posted about H's remarks,just that he felt like one. I know they can come and go several or many times before returning for good. I am glad to see you so positive.
He may remark about feeling that way but if you only knew/saw how much he spends on his alcohol/cigarettes each week it would knock your socks off!!
No matter what a person does, an MLCer will always find a way to find fault with someone or something.
I even suggested that we get rid of one car and he said no to that. It would save us a bunch of money but I would have to rely on him to have the car here at certain times and then it would be chaotic getting the kids to appointments, etc.
I am really not too worried right now.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I really do not think the reason that he's mixed up in the head is the alcohol. You've said this a couple times now, and I'm beginning to think that YOU think the issue here is the alcohol.
It's not.
Yes, the drinking is making all this harder, and it is yet another crutch he is using to escape from the discomfort he is in. I don't know if he's ready to come home or not because I'm not there living it like you are.
I do know this however.
There is no piecing with a spouse who maintains contact with their adultery partner. And maybe you do not consider yourself to be piecing, maybe there is a distinction there that I'm not appreciating. The bottom line for me would be that I, ME, the SPOUSE, I am supposed to be the reason they came back and they are supposed to have broken off contact with their partner in crime by then.
I know your approach has been different, and I appreciate the patience and steadfastness you have shown with your husband. I'm not trying to discourage you either. Your husband is making progress. I simply don't believe that he belongs home when he is this messed up. Allow him to have this time to HIMSELF and let him either get his act together or sink.
The drinking is a bandaid. It is not THE problem. THE problem is that he is still bouncing around like Tigger.
I really do wish all of you the best. You deserve a break from all of this.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I understand what you are saying but here is a typical day of drinking for him:
weekdays: 8 beers weekends: 30 pack of beer, along with rum mixed drinks and/or vodka mixed drinks all weekend long.
As for contact with OW--it takes awhile for them to stop contact and his has been by phone before he left again.
Now do you see what I mean by the drinking?
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Yes, the drinking is excessive, but I think what Bill is trying to say is that even if he were to stop drinking the other problems that he has would still be there.
The depression would still be there (from what you write I think he IS clinically depressed)
The OW addiction would still be there (those endorphins and the "rush" they produce are some pretty powerful stuff)
The MLC confusion and fog and funk in his head would still be there.
No doubt, the drinking is a problem, but he's using it to run away from a whole host of other problems that are not going to just magically disappear if the alcohol goes.
I think you are right, that the drinking does need to go, but don't think that all his problems will be magically "fixed" if he quits.
I think quite the opposite myself. His other problems (for a while) will seem magnified to him since he's no longer using an ecsape mechanism.
He does need to drop the escape mechanism so that he can face his other problems head on and quit running from them, but he will still have a long road ahead even without the drinking.
I think Bill fears that you are putting ALL the blame on the alcohol and think that if he would just stop drinking then everything else will fall into place and he wants you to be prepared if/when that doesn't happen.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Gosh, no, I am not putting all of the blame on alcohol but it does play such a major role.
Most of H's problems stem from lack of self esteem, being a loner, thinking that he has to punish himself and that he will never be forgiven, not even by God. He has told me these things many times.
Yes, he has problems and he must face them instead of running away from them like a child.
He really needs help but he has to make that step because when I have brought it up--what a total of three times in the last year, I am viewed as controlling and manipulative so I stop.
And I think he is using OW because that is the only place he has to go but that is not even a great place because S17 just told me how miserable H sounded lastnight/early AM and was once again, drunk.
Depression, schizophrenia and alzheimers all run in his family.
Last edited by steelersfan; 04/17/0806:00 PM.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
