Hi Sam,

Interesting responses here. I am very fortunate to be among those who was not molested as a child or teen. Thus I have never had problems steering away unwanted attentions.

I completely understand, though, how having the background similarities (molestation, alcoholic father...) would encourage such confusion around male attention.

In fact, in talking about OW#2 with me (months ago) CJ revealed that SHE had a very similar background and she too was "hit on all the time", had lunches with administraters from the college she attended, had her lawyer hit on her years earlier, went on a date with him a few months ago....

And she too professes naivete about the situation. And doesn't want to "hurt anyone's feelings". She also has an odd sense of boundaries: like she was willing to lie to her new boyfriend to keep "talking" with CJ...

At 15 my brother's best friend, whom I'd had a crush on for years, came on to me. He cajoled, he joked, he outright said "I know a good way to kill an hour" (wink, sexy smile). I was dating (seriously) my ex at the time and just said "I have a boyfriend, I couldn't do that".

Honestly, I never even THOUGHT about hurting his feelings. I just listened to that inner compass that was shouting "WRONG!!!".

So how can you guys begin? You can wait until you're "strong enough" as Sam's therapists said. I say
Phooey to that!

SAM, knowing what you do about cognitive behavioural techniques, how about some role playing? Or challenge those thoughts of "I want to be nice" "I can't say no" and replace them with the perfectly viable options LL outlined.

Maybe this is scenario where you can "behave your way to success" (Dr. Philism ). Just try on the behaviours, it may well be that after some practise and time, how you feel inside will come to match your actions. Perhaps the success and mastery you will experience (and proving to yourself that it's not TERRIBLE to say no or "let someone down") will translate into a boost to your self esteem.

My favourite is "I don't think that would be a very good idea"....or just "No, I don't think so, but thanks for asking".

I know, I KNOW it seems a lot easier from my perspective. And I surely don't mean to trivialise this at all. Clearly it's a problem many share.

But in my experience, nothing BAD has ever come of politely or jokingly turning someone down.

I just got up from a lengthy "rest" so forgive me if I'm rambling here!

Shiny