I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

Kind of low mood today - this would all be easier if I didn't still love the man. But, then I wouldn't be trying to DB, would I? He finally came by the office to get his mail today. I wasn't around so he left a note that he wants to come by the house this w/e and get some stuff, see the dogs. I called and asked him what he had in mind to take out of the house on Saturday. All he would say is that he needs to see what he still has there. Like he can't recall what he has for possessions. Oh well - this is really one of my first real chances to DB. I have begun to let go in my mind - or at least greatly loosened my grip - and now I have to make my actions and words reflect that. I have been very resistant in the past to anything that highlights or makes real his separation from me. So, on the phone today, I tried to sound as casual as I could about him moving all the way out.

One of the things I've realized is that I can't do the "be friends" routine. I don't know what that says about me or our marriage, but I just can't relate to him on that level. We aren't fighting, I'm not hostile, I truly care about him and I think that shows in our interactions, but . . . . For example, I haven't seen where he lives and I wouldn't want to, even if I were invited. We have only 5-10 minute conversations very occasionally and I wouldn't want to spend more time than that with him under the circumstances. I think that would all change if he made moves back toward me, but while he is so distant I don't even want more. Does that mean that my love is conditional after all?