OK. Here is a chance for me to really do something to "save myself."
We had c last night, and I'd been meaning to talk to SBH about this, but hadn't had a f#(*@$in' chance, but also it probably wasn't on my mind as much because I was afraid of what his response would be...And I was glad I remembered it for therapy, where we would have someone to help us with it...
I got an email from a former male client, recently divorced (yes, I know, everyone's hair should be standing up on the back of their necks). His kids go to the same school as my kids, tho' when he started in therapy mine weren't in school yet, and I don't think I really knew where his kids were in school.
Anyway, during his therapy he invited me and my H (SBH) to an open house he had for his business. I talked with the man I was paying to provide me professional guidance, because I'd only been licensed for a couple of years and felt I still needed someone to bounce my ideas offof. He said it was probably better not to go, we talked about weddings, too, and how it's ok sometimes to go to the actual wedding, but not to the reception where people would be asking "how do you know the couple" etc. and put you in a weird position.
I went anyway. I think I thought that, since he invited me, it would be ok for me to stop in, see his new office, then leave. I went late, at a time when I knew I would easily be able to say "I've got to go pick up my kids," and I only stayed about 15 minutes. ENough time to see the office, and the people who worked for him, eat enough to be polite, and leave.
This was probably not a terrible thing to do. But I know I also went because I was SO LONELY. I NEVER get invited to do things like that, and I WANTED TO GO! For ME. Not just so I could see the business he'd started after lots of work i n therapy about believing in himself, etc. NOt so I could see the people he worked with so that I would have a broader perspective on who they were when he talked about them in therapy. Those are kind of ok reasons to go, therapeutically. But, on hindsight, probalby not worth breaking that therapeutic boundary for.
But I really went for selfish reasons, at least in addition to the "therapeutic" ones.
NOT, however, because I wanted to have an A with this guy! I have NOT had any such a relationship with him.
Well, he sent me an email after I saw him at an ice cream social at our kids' elementary school. Saying, "I almost dropped my ice cream when you told me you aren't practicing anymore" and asking me to have coffee so he could "catch up on my life" or something like that.
I knew that wasn't a good idea. But part of me wanted to go - again NOT so I could have an A with him, but because I don't have very many friends who I can have coffee with. Well, you know, even that is not true. I do have friends, but they don't invite me to have coffee with them. So this was, perhaps, a "path of least resistance." But I DIDN"T WANT TO HAVE AN A WITH HIM!!!!!
Anyway, I said yeah, what's your schedule like. Then he emailed me saying Thursday would be good, and BTW - my treat.
That made me even more uncomfortable. And I'd been criticizing (kind of) Jethro's W for spending time at her divorced friend's house when her DF's kind-of BF was there. And I meant what I said, "it's just not an appropriate place for a married woman to be."
So I KNEW I couldn't shouldn't wouldn't go have coffee with this guy. I responded, saying "Thursday is not good...bunches of appointments." Stalling 'till I could talk to someone about how to handle this. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, it's not like he asked me to f#&* him.
Well, when I asked about it, SBH got REALLY MAD. He was mad that I'd even considered it. He felt like I should have said no immediately. He is right. He and the C said I have a naievete (SP??), I'm too nice to people, etc. etc. It did not feel good. I've been told that all my dating life. Mostly by angry sig. others who are blaming me (at least that's how I always felt) for being hit on. Not for flirting or acting seductive, just for being hit on. Period. And for how I handled it, too, I guess.
Truth is, I don't think I've ever just sat down and thought of ways that are respectful but clearly let a guy know that I'm not interested. I don't want to bruise egos, so I go too far in the other direction of being nice, and then they end up getting their feelings hurt even more when I finally have to say no way jose.
I've never really thought about this. It's okay if I get a lot of responses saying I'm thick and a little stupid. I guess I am. I wish it weren't true...
I grew up with a dad who yelled a lot. Was an alcoholic, which I didn't realize until I was about 25. I was the first one in the family to label it, in fact. My dog used to shake when he would yell. I don't know if I ever shook, but I know after I was molested I would shake when I got nervous. I still shake when I talk about being molested.
And I get scared when I'm faced with a guy who is coming on to me. I just want to get away. In fact, when I was molested, it was by a friend of the family, and I didn't jsut get up and walk out because I thought he would say I'd misunderstoood his intentions, and all the adults (I was 17) would say "Oh, you're such a naieve child..." and laugh at me, etc. I beat myself up for YEARS for not just walking out on that a$$hole. I finally understood the power he had over me, etc. etc., and let up on myself for that part of it. But I think I still get paralyzed by fear of being "inappropriate" when I'm around men by myself. Then I do stupid stuff.
Is this too much personal info to share on the board? I'm feeling a bit vulnerable here. But I REALLY need to share this stuff and get some feedback. I've pretty much kept it to myself, with the exception of a bunch of therapists who have all, apparently, thought I was too weak to handle talking about it in depth, and waited and waited and waited until they thought they had me "strong" enough, which, again apparently, did not happen before I got myself into a HUGE quagmire of sin. Well, I'm strong enough to talk about it. Always have been. Stupid stupid therapists!
OK. Have at me, guys...whatdya think?
I'm going to stop being naieve and learn to put up boundaries without feeling mortally afraid. That is how I'm going to save myself. I should really look that naieve word up. I'm pretty sure I'm spellling it wrong. Oh, who cares - I'm not going to need it anymore!!! ha ha
