Hi, guys...hope all is well...I'm having a very low PMA day...starting to call people about work. Facing the fact that I'm not doing what I thought I wanted to do since I was 13 years old. Feeling like I haven't done anything right...not picked the right career, not earned enough money, not been home enough or happy enough for my kids, not been faithful to my husband...and my house has been a mess. Just a bad moment, I guess.
I'll keep at it...
At least I have 2 great kids and a husband, all of whom love me a lot!
Ahhh...SBH-SAM, everyone has similar thoughts from time to time. None of us are perfect. I believe the point is to realize that the past is the past. To move forward requires forward thinking. Taking those first steps builds momentum, then all of a sudden, I expect you'll find yourself feeling better about a good many things.
I say this because it has been this way with my W. She has complained about how she's not pleased with the way she's dealt with the children in the past, not happy with the state of the house, not happy with the A, not happy with not having any hobbies, and so on and so on. But you know what, she's really made a goal of improving these things and I've found that it carries momentum into the next thing she chooses to do.
Just remember that just changing one thing, one dynamic, oftentimes dominos into changing ancillary things...thus the change begets change. It doesn't happen overnight, but as long as you persist, you will reap the rewards.
But what could be worse than spending XX # of years doing a job you thought you wanted but isn't right for you? Spending XX# of years and ONE MORE DAY at it .
What could be worse than having had not one, but two a's? Having 3, 4, or still being involved. Or having just a "fling" or ea and thinking it's okay, not seeing the harm.
What could be worse than not having been there enough for your kids and Sad? Continuing not to be there enough and having that to regret too.
What could be worse than a messy house? Well that's easy! Pretty much anything , of course my own hell-hole is getting on my nerves some.
Look ahead, love. You have SO much to offer the world, your family and yourSELF. So what if it takes some time to figure it all out, so what if it takes some fits and starts? So what if it means some financial woes? Can you not just sense the potential for great joy and fulfilment ahead?
Thanks, guys...yes,sometimes I can feel the potential for great joy and fulfillment. Very difficult to see how I will get there. But, I guess that kind of long term vision is not so much up to me, as to the Big Guy. I'll just keep at it, and keep coming to you guys for cheer leading!
hey sam... thanks for stopping by my thread this is the first time i've read yours, can you lead me to any other threads of yours?
i'm thinking about your sitch and you calling your acts "horrible" and commiting them to documented files in court?
(okay everybody, this is the part where charcoal shoots off her waw mouth and says the wrong thing...)
but, honestly... honestly i don't understand...
(okay, maybe before I make wicked assumptions, i'll just wait for more info..)
in the meantime, listen... i cheated on my H when we were just going out we didn't deal with it correctly then it was a lot of H being mad and a lot of me being sorry and wishing he understood what powered it i'm not saying he pushed me into doing that but a little understanding on his part would have gone a long long way and H acknowledges that i think no, he does...
i thought i was "forgiven" but i wasn't and it fueled incredible resentments on both parts we swept it under the table, attempting to change the channel on the TV before three words about infidelity were uttered... and then, having heard three words about infidelity on the tv H'd scowl at me wounds all still fresh, years after the event...
gosh, we've been together twelve years and i've felt understood for about the last two weeks
so...
that's good
and this time i'm not feeling like i've been stripped naked and whipped and doused in acid for my sin
which is nice you know?
i feel like a person
with rights
the right to save myself and make my life what i want it to be
shoot to even have the right to want life a particular way...
OK. Here is a chance for me to really do something to "save myself."
We had c last night, and I'd been meaning to talk to SBH about this, but hadn't had a f#(*@$in' chance, but also it probably wasn't on my mind as much because I was afraid of what his response would be...And I was glad I remembered it for therapy, where we would have someone to help us with it...
I got an email from a former male client, recently divorced (yes, I know, everyone's hair should be standing up on the back of their necks). His kids go to the same school as my kids, tho' when he started in therapy mine weren't in school yet, and I don't think I really knew where his kids were in school.
Anyway, during his therapy he invited me and my H (SBH) to an open house he had for his business. I talked with the man I was paying to provide me professional guidance, because I'd only been licensed for a couple of years and felt I still needed someone to bounce my ideas offof. He said it was probably better not to go, we talked about weddings, too, and how it's ok sometimes to go to the actual wedding, but not to the reception where people would be asking "how do you know the couple" etc. and put you in a weird position.
I went anyway. I think I thought that, since he invited me, it would be ok for me to stop in, see his new office, then leave. I went late, at a time when I knew I would easily be able to say "I've got to go pick up my kids," and I only stayed about 15 minutes. ENough time to see the office, and the people who worked for him, eat enough to be polite, and leave.
This was probably not a terrible thing to do. But I know I also went because I was SO LONELY. I NEVER get invited to do things like that, and I WANTED TO GO! For ME. Not just so I could see the business he'd started after lots of work i n therapy about believing in himself, etc. NOt so I could see the people he worked with so that I would have a broader perspective on who they were when he talked about them in therapy. Those are kind of ok reasons to go, therapeutically. But, on hindsight, probalby not worth breaking that therapeutic boundary for.
But I really went for selfish reasons, at least in addition to the "therapeutic" ones.
NOT, however, because I wanted to have an A with this guy! I have NOT had any such a relationship with him.
Well, he sent me an email after I saw him at an ice cream social at our kids' elementary school. Saying, "I almost dropped my ice cream when you told me you aren't practicing anymore" and asking me to have coffee so he could "catch up on my life" or something like that.
I knew that wasn't a good idea. But part of me wanted to go - again NOT so I could have an A with him, but because I don't have very many friends who I can have coffee with. Well, you know, even that is not true. I do have friends, but they don't invite me to have coffee with them. So this was, perhaps, a "path of least resistance." But I DIDN"T WANT TO HAVE AN A WITH HIM!!!!!
Anyway, I said yeah, what's your schedule like. Then he emailed me saying Thursday would be good, and BTW - my treat.
That made me even more uncomfortable. And I'd been criticizing (kind of) Jethro's W for spending time at her divorced friend's house when her DF's kind-of BF was there. And I meant what I said, "it's just not an appropriate place for a married woman to be."
So I KNEW I couldn't shouldn't wouldn't go have coffee with this guy. I responded, saying "Thursday is not good...bunches of appointments." Stalling 'till I could talk to someone about how to handle this. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, it's not like he asked me to f#&* him.
Well, when I asked about it, SBH got REALLY MAD. He was mad that I'd even considered it. He felt like I should have said no immediately. He is right. He and the C said I have a naievete (SP??), I'm too nice to people, etc. etc. It did not feel good. I've been told that all my dating life. Mostly by angry sig. others who are blaming me (at least that's how I always felt) for being hit on. Not for flirting or acting seductive, just for being hit on. Period. And for how I handled it, too, I guess.
Truth is, I don't think I've ever just sat down and thought of ways that are respectful but clearly let a guy know that I'm not interested. I don't want to bruise egos, so I go too far in the other direction of being nice, and then they end up getting their feelings hurt even more when I finally have to say no way jose.
I've never really thought about this. It's okay if I get a lot of responses saying I'm thick and a little stupid. I guess I am. I wish it weren't true...
I grew up with a dad who yelled a lot. Was an alcoholic, which I didn't realize until I was about 25. I was the first one in the family to label it, in fact. My dog used to shake when he would yell. I don't know if I ever shook, but I know after I was molested I would shake when I got nervous. I still shake when I talk about being molested.
And I get scared when I'm faced with a guy who is coming on to me. I just want to get away. In fact, when I was molested, it was by a friend of the family, and I didn't jsut get up and walk out because I thought he would say I'd misunderstoood his intentions, and all the adults (I was 17) would say "Oh, you're such a naieve child..." and laugh at me, etc. I beat myself up for YEARS for not just walking out on that a$$hole. I finally understood the power he had over me, etc. etc., and let up on myself for that part of it. But I think I still get paralyzed by fear of being "inappropriate" when I'm around men by myself. Then I do stupid stuff.
Is this too much personal info to share on the board? I'm feeling a bit vulnerable here. But I REALLY need to share this stuff and get some feedback. I've pretty much kept it to myself, with the exception of a bunch of therapists who have all, apparently, thought I was too weak to handle talking about it in depth, and waited and waited and waited until they thought they had me "strong" enough, which, again apparently, did not happen before I got myself into a HUGE quagmire of sin. Well, I'm strong enough to talk about it. Always have been. Stupid stupid therapists!
OK. Have at me, guys...whatdya think?
I'm going to stop being naieve and learn to put up boundaries without feeling mortally afraid. That is how I'm going to save myself. I should really look that naieve word up. I'm pretty sure I'm spellling it wrong. Oh, who cares - I'm not going to need it anymore!!! ha ha
I feel for ya, I really do. such a shitty thing (molestation) to happen to a young girl (I too was molested)...the ramifications of such an occurance can be devistating and often unknown to the victim.
I also have difficulty dealing with men...so for the most part (knowing this to be the case) try my best to not put myself in any uncomfortable situations..but then for me (and you as you have stated in the past) what is the true boundary?? is it really an uncomfortable sit that is causing the discomfort or does it have to do with the past experience?? we can't just go around thinking that every man we interact with wants a piece of us now can we? so where to draw the line??
I understand your wanting companionship and considering taking this man up on the offer...but then you'd have to sit back and consider why you would be accepting his offer...to fill your own void..to fill up your tank (qt? perhaps you and sbh need some more "dates") then you would be using him in a sense wouldn't you?
I don't know what I'm saying...thing is you could use a woman in the same way...but there isn't that same connotation is there?
finding a way to turn someone down??
not that long ago I was in a book store..yes the self help section...there was a man there looking lost...I asked what he was looking for (I would have done the same with a woman) and he then gave me info about his sit..I told him about db and found the book for him. he found his way to the register at the same time as me...then asked if I'd like to go get coffee with him just to talk..all I said was..."I don't think that would be a good idea"
there are many ways to get out of something without putting yourself in the position of being naive looking either way (naive to think they're thinking that way..or naive to think they're not) "thanks for the offer but I just can't" "thanks for the offer but I just wouldn't be comfortable with that"
I'm sure if you think about it a while you can come up with many ways to get yourself out of that situation..and the thing you can always remind yourself is that YOUR feelings are important...you don't have to consider how this person will feel if you reject them...you have to consider how you or sad will feel if you don't.
, of course my own hell-hole is getting on my nerves some. 
