Hello, all. My last post was a couple of months ago. Life has been so busy, and so much of the busy-ness required computer time, that getting on the DB boards just didn't fit in.
I have spent a bit of time checking up on a few threads and hope to be able to get to some more in the next little while, but time continues to be an issue - I try so hard to slow things down, but it seems to be a losing battle.
Short version: over the past several years, I have known about EA and (eventually) about one PA. Very strong link to internet porn/dating sites, etc. Last September, I got the ILYBINILWY speech, with my H planning to move out in January, found a place to live - it looked pretty certain. He also told me that there were WAY more affairs than I knew about, PAs and EAs.
From October on, I was DBing my ass off. At one point, my H said it seemed that I was ready to move on and didn't need him anymore - this was the thing that pulled him back, for those of you that are worried about sending that message. Anyway, the morning of the day we were going to tell the kids that dad was moving out in a week or so, he was really upset and confused, not sure what he wanted to do. I suggested that he pay his rent at the new place for January and stay here, to see how things would go. That's what he did, and the February rent on the new place didn't get paid.
I asked him a couple of weeks ago if he was still thinking about leaving, and he said no, that things were feeling better. He hasn't said that he loves me, but does act quite loving at times. We are doing some back yard renos, and he seems interested, talks about plans for the summer, etc. - the goals I set in early DBing are pretty much met, so I should be thrilled, right?
Except I'm not, to the surprise of no one who has been down this road. The enormity of what he did, the years of endless lies are harder and harder to ignore - I didn't give it too much thought while in crisis mode, but I'm finding the pain is getting more intense and harder to set aside. And even though things between us are pretty good on the surface, I don't think I can do this much longer.
Because I've been feeling so distressed, I've asked my H for some time to talk on Friday, even though I have no idea what I'm going to say. As usual, spending some time on the DB boards has provided me with some constructive ideas for that conversation, but I'd appreciate any feedback.
