What was her response to the dream? I don't know that I would have shared, but that's b/c my H has forgotten (seemingly) how we used to dream.
I think it says alot about you that even in your dreams you stop yourself. Dreams are IMO shadows of something real. Keep in mind that they are only echos though. It's a different way of knowing.
I don't know that she won't change. I think she's just hollow right now.
My W's response was it's only a dream. She didn't care that my real life sitch is ruining my dreams. To her its only a dream.
I talked more to her today. I called her a "Looser" this was a big negative 180 for me. I called her one b/c she associated all men to being loosers. She's certain about not getting re-married if we got a D. I told her I would have to wait a year.
Everything I've asked her to work on our M she's put down. She doen't want to start over with another MC. Every idea I've suggested is stupid. I'm willing to do what it takes to work on our M. The longer we thread water the quicker we're going to sink.
I told my W I L her. Her friends come before her H. She needs to stop going out so often and put me first. I asked her what does she want. Her answer she doesn't know. Five years of not knowing is taking it's toll on me. I asked her what can I do to bring her closer. She said she doesn't know. Just leave me alone. Then I said I could leave her alone, but she would have to come to me. I don't think its going to work.
I can only imagine how those words cut. That she keeps saying she doesn't know what she wants after 5 years IMO is fear. Fear of everything from losing you to being with you. It is all so sad. I still have a hard time not putting my H first (and thinking about him in every decision I make). It isn't helpful for me since he doesn't live here anymore.
I don't know what to tell you. You have stood your ground for so long. I keep you in my prayers and I hope that you find some peace tonight.
We had a MC session yesterday. I told him how I want a D b/c our stich hasn't moved in so long. I asked my W to go to a M retreat with me but she doesn't want anything to do with it. I told him I've tried everything, but I don't get much from her. The hand holding at the concert turned out to be my W was afraid of getting lost in the crowd.
She tore down every positive I've made and I couldn't take it. I didn't bring them up she did. Our MC asked why I wanted to go to the M retreat. I told him to work on our communications skills. She still said no. She was afraid it would be about religion. My W then reminded me how she doesn't L me. It hurt me then as much as the first time. She reminded me that I was the one staying in this R and not her. That I was the one who thought things would get better. She started off again of how useless she thought I was that she won't be giving me hugs anymore. I left the session and waited in the waiting room where my S10 was sleeping (I hope). As I waited I could here my W yelling to the MC of how I don't get it. I left the waiting room with my D and waited for my W in the car.
From the last MC session, I lost everything in 45 minutes. I don't think there's anything else to do but go dark. Stay dark and work on bringing our debt down. Work on me and don't plan on her being in my future. She doesn't care so why should I.
My W told me in the MC meeting that she would stop with the hugs. Okay, it hurt I'm a big boy so I've decided to go dark. Only call when she calls and return her calls when I feel like it. It's only been one day...
Yesterday, when I left for work I said goodbye. No hug She asked if I could take D to bowling with me while she worked. We have an arrangement that Tuesday is my night out, but I agreed to take D. My W calls my work to make sure its okay. I didn't return her call. She drops D off and then calls to tell me she dropped D off. I missed the call and failed to return her call. The bowling center is not a strange place for my D so I don't know why my W called.
Last night my W called to say she will be coming home late. Ok so she wil be coming home late. She came home late and I was still up working on my SS's laptop. She noticed the bedroom light is on so she calls me to let me know there's a skunk in the driveway and if I could unlock the front door. It's not a problem so I unlock the door.
This morning I gave her a grocery list of things we needed. I say goodbye and leave for work. My W gets up and says she's not sure if she's suppose to do this but gives me a hug. My answer; do what you want to do. She called me at work and left a message about an item on the list. I didn't return her call right away. When I called it was too late, but it didn't bother me. She got what I wanted and if she didn't I would of gotten it myself. She told me why she went to bed so late lastnight. She was watching a televison show.
What do I do! Going dark doesn't work in one day???
What level of darkness should I try in my sitch? I don't want to get hurt again.
Fixer I am no expert, thats for sure! but gosh I think your W is already starting to get a bit nervous and curious at your new 'tude!
Always liked the motto: If it dosnt work, try something else and you are!
It must be so hard to go dark while living together, never had to do that , so cant imagine how hard it would be for you. I will tell you goig dark seems to be a lifesaver for some, as it helps YOU. I know even D now, I have no contact w/ my ex and lo and behold he calls to "chat" there ya go. Human nature.
I hope it does work for you Fixer, I know you have been at this for so long. Your wife is a lucky woman for you to care so much
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
I agree that she seems a little nervous about what your next step will be. I like the way you`re handling the phone calls. Try not to so available to her or for her. Just keep to yourself and focus on you, once you start, it will be easy. Make her come to you. You do need to keep the lines of communucation open when it involves D10.
Sorry you had to hear her complain to the MC about you. What is it that you don`t seem to be getting? It seems to me that they know something you don`t know.
I hope she is nervous about loosing me. You ladies may think I'm a great guy, but my W thinks I've let her down too often. A person can do only so much.
I try to make myself less available. She called me yesterday and I picked up the phone. I thought it was going to be about D10. How do I respond with her Acting as if everything is okay - When its not.
Last night she called me aroung midnight. I was up doing some work, but I acted as if she woke me up. These games sound dumb to me.
I hate this so much.
Quote:
What is it that you don`t seem to be getting? It seems to me that they know something you don`t know.
She has a stake in this. I think that expectations and an unwillingness to communicate and negotiate cause this. You could turn this into she let herself down. Not one of us is perfect and without the ability to discuss things in a calm and clear manner, we go through life being disappointed by our own illusions.
