2 affairs dont make a right

[thegoodfight]

I haven't found your thread on extramartial affairs. I will answer a few questions, and ask a few. First let me give you this background, Like you I had an affair on my W. many years ago before our son was born.

5 years later the guilt and shame started to eat me alive so I told her the truth. This was about Jan 07, I gave her all the information she wanted, I was very open and honest. She asked me to stop talking to the OW she wanted to make it work, however I was a mess emotionally and felt guilt not only for my actions that hurt my wife but also because of the scenario the OW was in. I am not going to get into that because my guilt for the OW was misplaced and innappropriate.

Shortly after my wife learning of the physical 5 years prior and the continued contact that resurfaced 5 years later she started to "shut down" to me. She started to confide in a male friend and was not telling me about it. This went on for many months, the cell phone bill was the proof. I accused her of two wrongs don't make a right, what she was doing wasn't much better than what I did. You name it, She vascilated back and forth from we are done, to we can work it out, we went to c. but only went we did not do the outside work.

C. tried to get to the root of the problem the C. believed trust was the problem, my W. said nope I totally trust he would never do anything like that again, that is not the issue. We attend C. for about 6 weeks, very little if any improvement. I could see it on her face she did not want to be there. So I recommended we stop going, we were wasting time and money.

We stop going, the holidays come and all of sudden she is back on board and wants to work it out, things go okay for 3 or so weeks but I sense there still is a problem. Mid Jan comes and I find out she went to see a lawyer and has filed for D. Of course I ask her why and she says because I don't trust you, I can't trust you. Of course I ask what is wrong now, answer it is nothing new it is the same thing that happened in the past, you can't ever change it or make it right.

Alright now you have my sitch, here is what you should gleam from this: What I did was wrong having an A. that other than abuse or molestation is the worst thing someone can do to a marriage. In all cases trust is broken and security is shattered.

Focusing on the infidelity because that is where you and I are at. Our wives are looking for security and love somewhere else. Why, because we shattered their self esteem. They have gone through a gambit of emotions and in their mind it is all our fault. Now what you did, what I did, what your W. did, what my W. did is each of our faults.

What you did and what I did contributed to their actions but did not cause them. Each is responsible for their own actions. I have done alot of searching within myself and have read and continue to read a ton of material on rebuilding trust, After the Affair and put myself in her shoes.

I don't like wearing those shoes they hurt very badly, so this is how she feels. It took me about 14 months after giving the details of the infidelity to determine why. Of course I thought it was her fault my needs weren't being met, I would be happier somewhere else, you name it. None of which was pointed at the actual reason.

Self respect and self esteem, I did not feel loved that is true, but I didn't because I went through a period in which I doubted myself for various reasons I won't get into. The point is your affair was not physical unless you have some sexual addiction, your infidelity was most likely because you were trying to make yourself feel better about yourself and for whatever reason you did not feel that on your own.

So here is my recommendation, leave your w to her own devices, in other words let her figure things out on your own. She isn't going to listen to anything you say because she does not trust you or your motives (understandably). Spend some time in coaching by yourself, do not urge your W. to go with you, if she wants too fine, but this is for you.

You can't control her just like she can't control you. Now drop the she is doing this attitude and focus on you. What you should do is figure out why you did what you did and work on changing that. Write her a letter or talk to her down the road and explain why you did what you did. Tell her and show her you will never do it again. Fix you, do what you can to rebuild trust and let her figure her stuff out on her own.

Be supportive but not condeming. Two A don't make a right, but it doesn't justify the first A either. Best of luck, work on you be supportive and don't kick her out, she did not do it to you, so you owe it to her to give her the same support, then maybe down the road you can begin to rebuild your marriage.

And please don't go around blabbing to everyone about your A. or hers it just makes it tougher to for her to save face. This seems to bother women more than men(general observation, I don't have any stats to prove it.) Best of luck and get to work on you!