NikB #26 (tentatively moving to Piecing, again)

[NikB]

Thanks Michelle

What a week.. I'm still sick, and I got an email then call earlier today from Mom that grandma is pretty much dying. Not just "we think it's a few weeks/months/days" but "we can't keep her temperature up and her heart is slowing down and organs are failing - come see her now if you want to see her again before she dies." She went from coherent and "Go visit her as soon as your cold's gone" to "you have an hour"...

Ugh.

I helped Mom make the decision to take her off one of the machines - I forget what it's called but it fills her lungs w/air. I didn't go to see her (Mom said I should remember her as she was not how she is now and she was too incoherent to know I was there). Every time the machine filled her lungs I guess grandma cried and tried to rip it off her face and was miserable. Heart breaking. We both knew grandma wouldn't want it but it was the thing keeping her alive. Taking it off was the right choice and I have no doubts but it was tough to tell them "turn it off" - I hope I helped my Mom be more OK with that choice.

What's weird is we and the docs guessed she might live 20-30 minutes after and it's been hours with no word so she may still be fighting... don't know. Guess that's the "good" about being there.

Backtracking a bit (sorry kinda all over the place tonight) - we couldn't reach my bro and were trying to talk to him before the lung machine decision in case he wanted to keep her alive so he could see her again. Once Mom saw her and I talked to my bro - it was clearly 1. torture for grandma and 2. only her body - her mind died earlier today as she didn't even recognize my mom, her own daughter, today - so she was gone. Bro thanked me for making the right choice.. said he would have felt far worse knowing we made grandma suffer while waiting for his call.

It's just so sad as the docs earlier this week said she'd be better, in a nursing home for a bit but they were very optimistic. She went downhill really fast. I feel tremendously guilty as I would have gone to see her in a heartbeat and wore whatever masks I had to if I knew it was so serious - instead I was waiting til grandma was stronger and in a nursing home and my cold/flu/ick wasn't so contagious.

It's strange to think of a 90 year old dying "suddenly" but she really did. (or.. we think she did, haven't heard for sure, but I will be shocked if not). It may be the "best" of a sad scenario. She lived on her own - cooked her meals, did her own laundry, took care of herself, up until about 2 weeks ago. Still sad, though.



sorry kind a downer tonight.

[MichelleLT]

(((((((((((Nik))))))))))))

Don't you dare apologize.

[NikB]

Oh in H related news.. I nearly forgot.. I tried to leave my mom a message about my bro and she hadn't set her VM up yet so it didn't work. I was trying to think of how to reach her and the only thing I could think of was sending a text (me, the text-hating woman). So.. it took me forever, but I sent Mom a text saying her VM didn't work, I hoped she could get my text, I'd left a message for my bro, and I loved her.

H happened to drive up while I was in the driveway trying to create this text message. I half noticed him looking at me (I was crying and distracted but thought I heard a car) while I was working on it. He knows I'm pretty adamently 'anti-text' so I'm sure he thought it was weird. When I got out of the car he didn't even get weird about the texting, just said "What's wrong?" and held me really tight for a long time. Said he could tell I was sad and knew I wouldn't be texting unless something was really wrong. Guess he knows me eh?

[NikB]

(((Michelle)))

Thanks

[MichelleLT]

I guess he does. That's very thoughtful, considerate, and sweet of him. He really does have his moments. I'm sure you must be grateful for his support right now.

Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

[NikB]

(((Michelle)))

Thanks again. I wish I even knew what *I* could do right now... just feel so totally helpless. Yes, very grateful for H's support. He's so good about just hugging and "being there" without having to know specifically what to do (a weakness of mine).

On another note, I'm SO happy for how things have been going for you, lately - just caught up on your thread and I'm smiling.

[C_K]

(((Niki)))

Sorry to hear about your Grandma never an easy time. Good to see you back at piecing

Dave

[oldtimer]

((((((Nikki)))))

[JAK58]

NIk,

Im'e so sorry to hear about your grandmother.
((((((NIK))))))) thinking of you.
It is so hard to deal with.

JAK

[NikB]

Thanks so much everyone. My grandma held on longer than we thought she would, but she did pass away about an hour ago.

for her kids and grandkids. It is hitting me harder than I expected but it helps a little bit to realize that she's at peace now.

I have a lot of regrets and a lot of happy memories too - I will try to focus on the happy ones today.

H's support has been amazing. He even very softly said "love you" when he left for work this morning.