DMB, I sort of understand what he is trying to say. But what that is doing is conceding to WW to try and help things work out. I am no longer there. I know what I will do if things stay the same as before. I'm just not sure if I want to initiate it now or keep on laying low and see where things fall. I think she now realizes my stance and is now really thinking about things.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
The day started out normal as usual. I wake up first because I have the alarm and WW is on the sofa. I don't wake her up anymore, she just awakens to the noise going on in the house, usually. Get the kids ready for school. Nothing out of the ordinary. I am still pretty quiet, but very cordial when she addresses me. I leave before her and tell her to have a good one. She says you to, in a really sweet voice. Hmm. After work, I get home before she does, and she calls our son and tells him to let me know that she is going to enroll D11 in soccer for the summer and then come home. She call me afterwards to tell me that they are not having summer soccer for D11 age group. She could have told me when she got home. Hmm. She tell me she is going to Walgreens to get some meds for D11 as her allergies are still bad. We discuss dinner plans and she'll be home soon. After dinner, nephew states that he is done with his girlfriend and left her cold. They always fight and he wants to be single anyway. He can't handle the "thats what boyfriends do" thing with her anymore. He then states that he'll never get married or have kids. None of that s**t. Forget it. If he wants to be with someone, he'll just be with someone. No relationship. Besides, he'll get out before he cheats on her because he doesn't want to do that to her. I see WW's eyes looking towards me but do not give her eye contact. Hmm. We finish and clean up and head our seperate ways. I sure hope things are coming to light for her. At this point, I feel like I will inform S14 and nephew of true circumstances if I end up past my point. I hope it is the right thing to do. Just trying to find out what "past my point" is. I will continue being a shade of dark and GALing and see.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Yesterday morning went as usual. I left before WW and told her to have a good one. She said "you to" very nicely. At the end of the day, WW calls me and asks how my day was going, if I had clients lined up out the door. We are both in same line of work. I work for a large bank and she works for a local credit union. I told her it had been a busy day and she said that she was just catching a quick break, but still had clients and work to finish even the branch had already closed. I reminded her that it was a late evening for me as my bank has call nights on Tuesdays till about 7 pm. She said said she forgot, and would get home as soon as she could and pick some chicken on the way home. I tell her goodbye. Boss then says a friend won an office party at a local jazz club and wants me to go meet her friend. Call night canceled. I go have a good time listening to live jazz and meeting her friends. Get home later that usual but everyone still up playing with our new puppies. WW tells me there is a chicken sandwich for me and I see that she has not eaten yet. She waited for me. I am still dim and I feel like it is making her think. I feel like I can completly do without her but I know that I am only doing this on purpose. She engaged me a bit while we ate about our day, I finished, cleaned up and went to the room. I did my thing, she did hers. I don't know if it is working or not. She is engaging me in our conversation. Sometimes I think it is pushing her away to talk to OM more. Who knows. I keep on.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Thinking of giving WW a letter. I would love to hear from everyone to find out if it is the right thing to do. Snooped a bit in her purse (I know, but I couldn't help it) and found the names of a couple of local attorneys. She had the day off and told me about a doctors appointment (I did find the receipt for that)that she had. No business cards or anything that would indicate a meet with an attorney. I did find a brochure from a fertility clinic here in town. In vitro, tubal reversals. Different stuff. WW had her tubes tied in hospital when D6 was born. Strange.
WW,
I believe that our friendship is just as important to you as it is to me. But like I said to you the other day, we can no longer be best friends if you insist on keeping up this affair with OM. End the affair and all contact with him, then we can talk about things. If you insist on keeping the relationship with him, then I will have no choice but to protect myself and the kids from your destructive behavior and you’ll know that you have also destroyed our friendship. I am not trying to control you or manipulate you. I have never done that and I never will. All I wanted from you was a fair chance to work on our relationship, our marriage and our family. I now realize that there was no way that that was going to happen with him still in the picture.
A few weeks ago I asked you for six months. Not the rest of your life. Give our relationship a true chance. I could understand you feeling that you want to try your independence. That’s one thing, but leaving for another man. You know that it is wrong. I will not let you lie to me anymore about him.
I choose to no longer have you rub the affair in my face anymore. I will not be treated like that anymore. You were upset that I was smothering you and trying too hard to get my feelings across to you. You sure did take and take during this time. I have now disconnected from the person that keeps on me hurting and decided to live my life the best that I can with you or without you.
If your relationship with OM is the most important thing to you, and you push for a separation or divorce, then we can let the attorneys hash out things. This is not the way I want it to be, but like I told you before, I will do what I have to do to keep the girls with me. I do not trust your decisions, and I’m afraid his lies to you are going to hurt this family beyond repair.
I do still love you. I truly believe that nothing will change this fact. I have taken the part that I have played in your affair to my heart and accept it. I do not accept responsibility for your decision to have the affair. Just my part that led you to that fork in the road.
Me
Please let me know what ya'll think. I'm not sure if my dimness is getting to me more than to her. It hasn't been very long, but I sure hate it. I'm not sure if her trying to nicely engage me is just in my own mind.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Wow, I am new to the board and somewhat similar sitc - my kids are 19 and 20 though. W still contacts OM - would love to say exactly what you are saying in this letter but folks say this will push her further away. Look forward to what other posters say.
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Me personally? I wouldn't send that letter. As I've been learning, you can't make her feel guilty about her A because that's what makes her feel good right now. So how does that give you any leverage? It doesn't. So talking to her like a parent or trying to make her feel guilty isn't going to do you any good.
That said, I think there's a valid difference in opinion about confronting re: the A vs. avoiding. I'd say that if you're going to confront, be business-like about it, not emotional and making demands. She doesn't give a sh*t about your demands now, right? So why make them, it only distances.
Try to think about what you'd say if this was totally objective - if you were totally detached from the emotional side of things.
my $.02. lodo
PS - in my sitch, I'm discovering what many, many others have realized. The more I detach and pursue my own life, paying no attention to my WAW's sitch, the more she starts to contact me and act like she wants to make sure I'm still involved in her life. just an observation.
Sorry Hopeful4her, gotta interject real quick in your thread.
Kolle, you said this:
Quote:
BUT the fact is, if you want any hope of reconciliation you should probably not fight for the kids.
I do not understand this one bit. Can you explain? Why would you let you kids be with a cheater and not fight for them, if you indeed want them?
Hi DMB Fighting for the kids will generate a lot of anger against you, and make the possibility of reconciliation much more remote. I do not know what the answer is, WAW does not have thhe right to deprive me of my kids, but I want her back desperately. What to do???
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
Your letter fits in precisely with James Dobson's Tough Love concept, and the first step in rescuing your marraige from an A is exactly that, according to him. The underlying psycological principles are the same as in LR DBing but he is a bit more radical. I suggest you read the book at the above link and make up your mind. For me it did not work, mainly because I could not go through with my ultimatum, and it fell flat.
Kolle
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
