Rtl just to offer a different perspective, from someone who has raised 3 daughters, your D does not care what your issues are or your W's. She is turning 5, she is having a party, cupcakes, presents and friends, she wants both her parents there, she is far too young to understand, if her Mom says she invited you and you don't come, she will be sad. I know it is not easy, but don't miss your daughter's birthday party, no matter what W does, Don't cheat yourself, you don't get to go back and do it again. Don't give the Om that kind of power over your relationship with your D
Anyway, the e-mail went on telling me how awful I am and how I teach my D to lie ("What good parent teaches their child to lie?")
RefuseToLose,
If you W was a WAW, I would simply write:
Quote:
I am one who firmly believes in teaching our children about the value of truth and sticking to commitments. However, since you were not able to stick to your M commitment to me, I think we are fighting an uphill battle.
That should cool her jets....
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
First of all, I told W I'm going to the party. I will be there and I have established boundaries w/ W that I won't be stepped on. I have always wanted to be at the party for D, but I had to stand up for myself after W's stunt w/ OM and the party.
I got another e-mail from W who called me a bad father b/c if I gave her the whole weekend to be w/ D, then I wouldn't see D for 11 days. I didn't reply, but the truth is if I don't see D for that long it is b/c W denies me to see her during the week for no reason. Thus, it would be on her and not me. I'm pretty sure the evaluator would see it this way as well.
W's e-mail went on to say "she'll accept my offer to have D for the entire birthday weekend" then she said "I'll consider the last weekend in May." So, she'll take one end of the deal, but not commit to the other end. It is a nice way to get what she wants w/out having to give. I'll address that subject in due time.
Finally, W was angry that I hadn't responded to her earlier concerns regarding my "teaching D to lie to her mother." She really wants to get something out of this and make me out to be the bad guy.
I didn't respond and my new official stance is I will only answer questions that need to be answered, I will not respond to any negative attacks from W, and I will only acknowledge her when she is being nice and playful (like she was the other day w/ the texts about D's eating).
Otherwise, I will communicate as little as possible. I spoke this morning w/ a DB coach and we decided W is using OM to get back at me and I won't be giving her any ammo. I will not talk about OM at all and I will keep things as basic as possible. If she tries to corner me, like she did on Monday, I will politely end the conversation. Also, when there are e-mails, I will either answer the appropriate information and that is all, or just tell her "I'll think about it" and get back to her when it is needed. It is what I'm going to do next w/ her questions surrounding the trip D and I are taking to Lake Tahoe over Memorial Day. She doesn't need anything right away as it is so far in the future.
I think this will work for me and I think it will help my DBing if I can remain consistent.
Otherwise, I will communicate as little as possible. I spoke this morning w/ a DB coach and we decided W is using OM to get back at me and I won't be giving her any ammo. I will not talk about OM at all and I will keep things as basic as possible.
RTL,
What I wrote earlier was meant as a joke.....
I could not agree with your DB coach more. I think in many of these situations that is the case. It becomes a minefield you need to navigate. It is tough. I wish you the very best.
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
RTL, What I have found out in my situation, is to answer their questions and no more than that. Only give them the information they are asking for. They thrive on the opportunity to twist something.
Be polite and concise and nothing more than that when talking to her.
Wish you luck, I know how tough it is to not be able to see your child, I had to go to court to see mine...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I got another e-mail from W who called me a bad father b/c if I gave her the whole weekend to be w/ D, then I wouldn't see D for 11 days. I didn't reply, but the truth is if I don't see D for that long it is b/c W denies me to see her during the week for no reason.
In my opinion, you should directly reply to her gripes, with that exact type of information.
Dont play mind games about that sort of thing. if you WANT to spend more time with your child, then TELL your wife that. Right now, your silence is saying that you dont want to spend more time with her.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Make it known you want your time, 50/50. If she does not work with you, take that to court as well. In my sitch, my STBX had her lifestyle drastically changed by the courts. You got to do it for yourself now...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I did reply to W briefly about our travel plans to Lake Tahoe. I told her I'm fine w/ picking up D from her on the way to the airport as they'll be coming into town from Indianapolis around 5pm the day before we leave. That should allow D to sleep in as I do have to make an appearance here at school on the 23rd.
RMG - Don't worry about it. I know you were joking, but man, who wouldn't want to throw that one out there. It is soooo tempting and difficult at times to resist tossing that "truth dart." I could only hope W will see that for herself.
ND - My coach and I agree w/ you 100% --> Be polite, concise, and answer their questions. No more. If we are on the phone and she pushes, I'm going to politely end the conversation. I am in step w/ this strategy completely.
Dom - I also agree w/ you on stating what I want as far as custody. Also, ND, we are looking for 50/50 time and are currently in the middle of a parenting evaluation. What my DB coach and I decided this morning was to let the issue of the birthday weekend and the 1st weekend in May die and I'm going to initiate conversation w/ W every Monday letting her know when I would like to have D.
I'm going to say something like "I would like to have D on Wednesday and Thursday and have you pick her up at daycare on Friday this week." We decided this way I'm not asking but exerting my rights to see my D and not sitting back and waiting for W to dictate the terms of my seeing my D. The legal process w/ us is moving at a galacial pace, but at least it is moving. Now I have to wait it out. In the meantime, I'm going to do exactly what Dom and ND said -- let my W know I when I want my D and not let her decide.
I see D on Saturday and for most of the day on Sunday, so I'll address this issue 1st thing on Monday. It is what is right regardless of what W feels about the situation.
Thanks again for your imput. I'll talk w/ you all later.
