As an "old lady" I want to chime in here. Funny, when people post about their spouses ( mostly male) having affairs, there is talk of forgiveness and understanding. People even encourage LBS to love their spouses and DB through the affair. Yet, when a young woman, burdened with the responsibility of raising 2 children alone seeks comfort and solace with another man, she is doing a terrible thing. Well, think of this, if MMB"s H came back you would probably all say, forgive and forget and get past the affair. If he wants to come back , guess he would have to do the same. One thing I have learned, the people with the best marriages that end, be it through divorce or death, are the ones who look to replace that relationship the fastest. So don't be so judgemental.
MMB is not a bad person. I've think I've mentioned what she is doing is a "natural" response, but to lead to the actual "action" is wrong.
It's always a good thing to feel wanted. The affair she is having is giving her that "need". Hence the co-dependency response.
Having a husband treat you as a bootie call, after he has told you how happy he is with his current live-in is disrespectful- hence the lack of respect for herself response.
In reality, the affair did start before she knew her husband had an affair. In reality, she has not been open to this current "man" about her situtation. That is very mis-leading and dishonest. In reality, she is doing exactly what she is upset over the same actions of her husband. I wonder if his live-in knows? Hence safe-sex response.
MMB needs to really take a step back and look at this from the outside in. If a person respects themself, they will not allow their spouse to treat them as a bootie call. If they respect themself, they would not be dishonest to another individual about the situation. I am not judging her as a person, I am only going on her actions.
MMB, are you attending any type of counseling? Have you used the coaching from DBing? If not, why? Do you think any of us are telling you anything different? If you went to a professional tomorrow and laid this out on their plate- do you honestly in your heart think they would say "okay, continue to do what you are doing, it's working?". You don't have to answer that question publically- but really, think about it.
You already missed your husband before you started the affair, so we know the "affair" in and of itself did not give you the "gumption" your marriage was worth saving.
You have too much complication going on in your life and it can't be easy to make decisions. Love triangles only cloud judgements. Every relationship starts of "wonderful". It's new, it's exciting... but it takes committment to keep the relationship going. You have already committed to another individual.
If your marriage can not be saved- than you need to take the correct actions. Then you need to give yourself time to heal. You deserve it, but honestly, most importanly- your childrne deserve it.
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
If Monkey showed any amount of remorse or repentance people would be doing all that they could to help her through this and get her on a path to save herself if not her marriage. She is not. She wants to justify her affair.
This is a board where people come to for help to SAVE their marriages and themselves. There are many on this board who have had front row seats for a sick little play called "My spouse is having an affair." The mere thought of someone coming here and doing her damnedest to justify having an affair, when others have left no stone unturned to repair a marriage where in spite of an affair by their spouse, turns even the strongest of stomachs.
When Monkey is truly ready for help there are many who will be right there to help her along.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
I don't see anyone being judgemental. I also don't think any of us have said she should not be "forgiven" for her affair. If so, please point me to that post.
What I am saying is that in order for her marriage to be saved, she needs to find herself. It should not require another individual to "comfort" you. If a person lacks the coping skills to comfort themself, then they need to learn. You can not honestly do that when you are in a love triangle with a spouse and another man.
I don't condone affairs of either sex. However, I do believe in forgiveness and I do believe that you can move past an affair to a happy marriage- but in order to do so... you have to STOP the affair.
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
One thing I have learned, the people with the best marriages that end, be it through divorce or death, are the ones who look to replace that relationship the fastest.
Firstly, the best marriages do not end in divorce. Secondly, I have seen widow and widowers who have never remarried and I have seen some remarry quickly. There is no set way.
And seeking comfort in another just means you can't handle adversity on your own.
I agree. My MIL lost her husband of 50 years March 25th 2 years ago. She gets so upset when others ask why she is not dating yet. She is stunned that people think she should be. After 2 years, she is still in deep mourning. I don't find most widows or widowers moving from one man/woman to another 2 months/3 months after one's death. Call me crazy, but I just don't see it. And I agree- most "good" marriages don't end in divorce!
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
