A lot of good things are happening... more GAL activities!!
- I got new panties in the mail and I cannot BELIEVE how cute they make my butt look!!!! Hooray!!!!!!
-Had another good cello lesson...
-went to see a friends' recital and it totally rocked my world. Her performance actually made me feel high, which I have never experienced before at a cello recital!!!
-I have slept well for several nights in a row now!!!! For the first time since the bomb!!!! I started taking valerian root (homeopathic) and having a pretty regular going to bed and waking up schedule... and it is WORKING!!!
-I made an appt to get my haircut at a SALON (for the first time since I was 5) in Chicago, when I visit a good friend of mine--we got appts back to back!
-I have begun, in earnest, a search on ebay for a good pair of sexy high heels (hopefully to wear to my hopeful meeting with b in a month or two)
-in yoga class yesterday my teacher helped me "get into" a knot in my shoulder which has been there for 13 years... basically since I started practicing the cello a lot. It was AMAZING, I felt like smoke was coming out of my shoulder!!! I felt very excited, that this physical obstruction that I feared I would never get rid of, can actually be worked out, and healed!!
Yesterday night I had a dream. I was in my Dad's minivan (hilarious) and he was driving me to meet with my B, but in the dream, I freaked out and thought, "I am NOT READY!! I didn't get my haircut yet, and I don't have my high heels!!" And then I asked my dad to circle the block and drop me off in another location. (Apparently I was going to backtrack to the meeting place, perhaps thinking a pair of high heels and a haircut would appear on the way??)
I woke up and thought, wow, this is a very clear indication that some part of me still feels unprepared, and perhaps it's not just about the haircut and the high heels!!
In my counseling session on Monday we went pretty deep into a new area. Last week I talked with my counselor about how I've been having problems with motivation, and lots of trouble sleeping. He suggested that I work out a regular sleep schedule, which has been working great!
So I told him that I think the motivation issues are also emotional, how I think I may have a fear of success on the cello. I told him how I've internalized mostly negative messages about my cello playing, and how somewhere deep down inside I don't think I'm good enough to do it. And then he told me that we can work on that together. It was all very exciting!! Mostly we have been focusing on communication and my relationships with others, so it is exciting to open a new compartment!!
OK guys, I am going to try to call B tomorrow after yoga class and see how it goes.
My basic plan is:
-try to have a few more light and friendly conversations with B (every 1-3 weeks)
-then mention, after a few successful conversations, that I'll be in NYC in June. Give him a chance to ask to see me.
-if he doesn't ask to see me, during the next conversation, ask to see him, AS IF we are just old friends meeting for a cup of coffee.
-meet him and look completely utterly gorgeous and stunning and glowing with happiness
What do you think of the plan?? I have to laugh at myself, because I had this whole plan about sending him gifts in the mail, and then everything changed when he sent me the key!! So this plan could also become completely revised... I am ready to ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES (or, the hugs, as we would have it on Kalni's thread) ...
it was so nice to get your suggestion to leave it a week and then try again, b/c that is exactly what I was thinking!! I feel SO VALIDATED!!!!
The search for a good bodyworker continues.... I am starting to wonder if I should just work with whoever I know is recommended to me as being good, regardless of their healing modality. Like I just got a recommendation for a great massage therapist last night. I am *all about healing*!!!
You make my days seem so small and boring. I envy you and the "moments of magic" you create.
Kalni, I've been thinking about this post of yours alot!! Please do not feel this way!! I frequently feel like my life is small and boring. Seriously!! My life seems very monastic sometimes, I just go to school, and yoga class, and the grocery store!!! And then I go to my lil apt!!!!!!!!! Most of what I do is just things I "have" to do being in grad school, or ways of keeping myself from going crazy (making muffins, shopping for new underwear!!!)
There are many, many things about your life that *I* envy... how close you are with your parents both emotionally and geographically, how you get to see your H frequently (and share food with him!!!), how he got excited about the sex positions calendar, how he asked you, "should we do this more often?" at the end of yesterday's heated phone call, how you have all these good old friends who are part of your daily life... I don't have any of those things right now!! So, I'm not saying like "pity me" or anything, just that, your life seems glamorous to me!!!
I will sing a tone deaf song with you ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.
Quote:
PICK UP TF PHONE & CALL HIM!!!!
(did you hear something?)
You are amazing, K... I treasure you.
P.S. I think your H responded amazingly to your conversation today. You have SO much going on for you in your situation. OH!! I just had an idea!!! Have you thought about slipping an aphrodisiac into one of those cheese pies???
((((KALNI)))) T
P.P.S. Can I have a slice of that cinnamon delight you baked??
I read that. And the previous ones. And I am expecting to read un update re your call. And I will get back to you later because I need to finish up something here.
K
PS I was wearing peep toe high heels today when I met H. I wear high heels though often the last 5 months. Does that count as a positive change?
Wow, you calling him tonight!!?? How exciting, go for it!
I agree with Kalni, I also felt your life sounds full of magic and exciting.. and makes mine feel small and flat and lacking in shine! So shes not the only one to pick up on that. You obviously do do a good job of distractung yourself, but it must be hard that you've had months of bad sleep. I go through phases, recently for a few weeks I led awake for hours each night "worrying", but then its better again.. but it sure does make you feel awful when you cant sleep for a long while. I am glad the Valerian is working for you, I have heard thats brilliant! Acupuncture (or deep massage, similiar I agree, works on the same points in the body) would really help too yes.
Gosh, so whats the plan for the phonecall.. just sound all cheery and chatty and hope for the best !? :-)
Ali xxx _______________ Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed: 4 Mar backing off?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
YIIIPPPPEEEE on calling tonight T! I will be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed. Not that you need it- just be your usual wonderful self and I can't imagine B not being moved and melted by you!
((((hugs))))
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
You guys are AMAZING.... I go to bed, and then wake up, and look at all this love on my thread!!!
The plan is, if I get his voicemail, to say something like, "hey, it's me, I'd love to catch up with you a little bit more, so give me a call or you give me a call, bye!"
if I get him in person, I'm just going to say "Hey, it's me, I just called to say hello and see how you're doing!"
I have a mental list of a couple different "harmless and neutral anecdotes" to share with him... I will probably actually write it down in case my mind goes blank so it's not like, "uh...hm....um...."
but it's not like I have to share what's on the list... it is just like a prompt sheet in case I get really scared. I also need to find my prompt sheet to of Pep Talk Nuggets from all of you to read if I start to freak out.
I want to sound contented and satisfied and relaxed... and most of all like K said put that special warmth into everything I do on the phone...
