Yesterday night I had a dream. I was in my Dad's minivan (hilarious) and he was driving me to meet with my B, but in the dream, I freaked out and thought, "I am NOT READY!! I didn't get my haircut yet, and I don't have my high heels!!" And then I asked my dad to circle the block and drop me off in another location. (Apparently I was going to backtrack to the meeting place, perhaps thinking a pair of high heels and a haircut would appear on the way??)
I woke up and thought, wow, this is a very clear indication that some part of me still feels unprepared, and perhaps it's not just about the haircut and the high heels!!
In my counseling session on Monday we went pretty deep into a new area. Last week I talked with my counselor about how I've been having problems with motivation, and lots of trouble sleeping. He suggested that I work out a regular sleep schedule, which has been working great!
So I told him that I think the motivation issues are also emotional, how I think I may have a fear of success on the cello. I told him how I've internalized mostly negative messages about my cello playing, and how somewhere deep down inside I don't think I'm good enough to do it. And then he told me that we can work on that together. It was all very exciting!! Mostly we have been focusing on communication and my relationships with others, so it is exciting to open a new compartment!!
