Thank you soooooooOOOOOoooOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOO much for writing such a thoughtful response... and such good questions!!!
The whole boundary issue was definitely a breakdown in communication... basically the more B pushed for it, the more I resisted, and the more he pushed, and the more I resisted, and the more frustrated we both became about it. So it was also about control ... because, without being aware of it, I was controlling what we could and could not discuss, by making it clear that certain topics, like renegotiating sexual boundaries, were off the table. A classic scenario all described very clearly in SSM by MWD herself!!
Quote:
So I guess if it was me I would be asking questions in regards to the sexual thing like: "Did I give BF the space to express himself?" "Did I believe that my way was right? "Did I try and change BF?" (is it possible to be female and answer 'no' to this one!! Ha Ha!) "Did I respect him?" "Did he respect me?"
Honestly I think I contributed to the situation a lot by not being super willing to discuss it... It was sort of off the table, and then when he would bring it up, I would listen quietly, and maybe ask some questions, and then sort of retreat emotionally. I was so accustomed to my previously established boundaries that it really took the bombs for me to question them. But I learned through that questioning process that the reason I didn't want to change my boundaries was because B wasn't including me in his plans for the future... and for me to change my boundaries I needed to feel really really safe. Not be in a situation where he is making a set of professional plans that didn't include me....
But at the time of bomb #1 I said, "I've really been very reactive to you. When you first brought up the sexual boundaries thing, why didn't I say, 'wow! I can see this is really important to you, and you've never brought it up before. Can you tell me more about that?'" And then he literally doubled over sobbing and said, "That's exactly what I wanted to hear" (choked out in between the sobs).
So... that was a big wake up call. I think one of the root issues that set up the bomb was that I am very forthcoming about what I want, & when others don't speak up I assume they want what I want.... because I am direct, I expect others to act the same way. So in a very subtle way, I wasn't very interested in what he wanted or in his opinions.
But I have analyzed the HECK out of all of this, and it is in the past now!!
Quote:
According to the BITCH book, men cant get enough of women who are centered and independent and who don't let men sway their emotions, they stay true to themselves.
It's funny.... if it's possible, I think I may have been possibly just a touch TOO centered and independent and unswayable in my emotions. The whole boundary thing was really a core value... I felt like for me to give that up for the wrong reason would mean I was betraying myself. So it wasn't until the bombs, which shook me to the core, that I was able to reexamine that.
Essie, thank you SO much for your loving thoughts!!! You are incredible!!!!!
