W said it was over w/OM...don't think so

[Doingmypart]

My W told me the "one time sex" affair was over, they still work in the same circles, and interact on occasion. "it is as if it never happened." she told me. She said the same thing in a counseling session 2 days ago. I believed her, until I realized how often she talked to him on the phn. I got very worried about it and decided to investigate. Planted a digital recorder in her car & could hear her side of the conversation(s) with OM. Was it wrong to do this? I am sure it was, but I wanted to know for sure, and felt like she was not being honest. I have been accused of not being honest or sharing about me enough. Which is true, I don't think what I have to say is all that important sometimes, or simply forget to share all the details.
I really want to confront him, and her, and his wife. I think she should know too. I am still trying to solve that part in how to locate her. This is crazy, I am not like this, but I have never been in a sitc like this before. I never thought I was a jealous person, but my trust was shaken a lot when I found out it happened in the first place. I took most of the blame at the time.
WHY? Because our R was a mess then (2004)& still is now. I felt it was all my fault, I was the one that withdrew, I was the one trying to come to terms and deal with depression issues, I was the one that seemed to be not interested in her (not true by the way) my actions kept proving that to her. All along I was just hurting and wanting to repair our R and seemed to get no where fast. Spinning my wheels and never making progress. Any progress I did make, was second guessed leaving me feeling more like a failure, or that I "should have done this or that". I don't know what to do. I am mad, but am not ready to confront her on this. Hell, last night I told her I had a gut feeling that there was something inappropriate going on and she assured me it wasn't. So maybe it's just flirting and enuendos (sp?) I don't know. What I have heard, it sounds more than that.
All I can do and am doing is working hard on ME. Getting myself to where I am confident, happy, and strong mentally and physically too. Then I feel like I will be in a better place for our R improvements. Hopefully the W will be ready to stay and work on us. As of now, she is not sure what she wants with us. She is tired of waiting for me to change, improve, be consistent, or anything.
Thanks!

[Sugar and Spice]

Erik, was there something on the tape that you heard that would convince you its not over?

What are you in C for? What do you want the outcome to be?

[Doingmypart]

On the tape was a call made to him and a lot of sexual innuendos. Now I only have her side of the call, but it was obvious they talk sexually and often. The C is for our relationship, but at the last mtg T wanted to work w/just me next time. I have some things I am working on (Depression, Codependency) in hopes to be "me" again. So I do feel responsible to a degree for her doing this. She was not getting what she needed from me...sex intimacy, closeness, so she has found it elsewhere. As for the outcome, I want to feel whole again, full of life, and confident in everything I do. Which hopefully will result in my wife staying and working on "us". I have been like a stalker lately and I hate it, but I wanted some confirmation to my gut feeling SOMETHING was up. So for all I know they just play on the phone like that, and don't actually have intercourse. Or maybe there is sexual activity, w/o intercourse...then again, that seems pretty unrealistic huh! So I am stuck trying to figure out what I want to do about it all. Like I said I want to tell his W & confront him, but I think it will just make my matters w/W worse. So it is just a weird time for me.

[karen43]

I have some things I am working on (Depression, Codependency) in hopes to be "me" again. So I do feel responsible to a degree for her doing this. She was not getting what she needed from me...sex intimacy, closeness, so she has found it elsewhere. As for the outcome, I want to feel whole again, full of life, and confident in everything I do. Which hopefully will result in my wife staying and working on "us".

I was feeling just like you also. I also had problems with depression and codependency. Of course, my H having an EA or PA probably wasn't helping matters. I have eliminated my depression and become fairly independent, and "fixed" everything my H said was wrong with me plus I also have more self confidence, lost 40 pounds and gotten in great shape, etc. But my H is still having an affair and talking divorce though. It's not about you; it's about your W. Many spouses would not have an affair b/c their spouse was depressed or codependent; I know I wouldn't and most or all of the people that post at this site!!!

I do think it's good you want to work on your depression and codependency. I have also done that, and feel so much stronger, healthier, and happier and ready for a healthy relationship whether it is with my H or someone else (if he decides to proceed with divorce). But you shouldn't blame yourself for actions that your W took that were clearly not appropriate for a married person!

My advice would be to quit the stalking b/c that is probably going to hurt you more than anything & it sounds like you are pretty aware of what is going on now anyway. You should focus on yourself, work on your issues that you feel would make you happier such as the depression and codependency. Try to get involved in activities that you can enjoy & take your mind & focus off of your W. Keep posting here of course whenever you have a question, journaling, or whatever! The people here are great and give wonderful advice! I couldn't have made it through this last year without them!!! Karen

[C_K]

Erik

The title of your thread caught my eye.
While it seems to be commn opinion that snooping does no good , I think sometimes its needed to see what you are dealing with and obtain a dose of reality as hard as that may be.

However its probably better to stop now. Your W's behaviour is clearly inappropriate but intervention by you will probably not do a lot of good and may harm your attempts to reconcile.

As Karen has pointed out this is not about you as much as your W.
And A's seem to rarely end on the first attempt.

You cant change your W . You can change you. So work on that what you can control and try not to use energy on that that is out of your control.

Oh and be patient time really is on your side .


Good luck

Dave

[Doingmypart]

Thanks Karen & Dave! I actually got a little choked up reading both your posts. The problem I am facing is my logic and all that is good says to stop spying & just deal with me. Your words were encouraging and I am starting a new "treatment" on Monday called EMDR not sure how effective it is, but I have read some & it looks promising. The funny thing is I am not as angry at my wife as I am the OM. Mainly bcz he is also married w/kids and KNOWS she is M. So that pisses me off more. Weird huh?! So I plan to stop snooping after this weekend. I want to xref phn records w/recordings to verify it's the right dude.

[hopeful4her]

Erik, ditto on what Dave and Karen have said. I have not been on the site very long, but have gathered a lot of good advice from it reading others posts. I know that not snooping is very, very hard to do. I used to constantly look at WW's phone to see how often they talked, but I have not done it in a couple of weeks. I have no idea if they are still talking or not. I only assume that they do. They probably also meet for lunch. I can no longer care about it. It will drive you nuts. I can only care about what I do. Funny, but now I am getting calls for invitations for lunch and invited out by old friends (females). I have no intention of starting a relationship, but it is nice to be in the company of someone who is interested in listening to you for a change. Strange that this all started to happen when I decided to not give a damn about her anymore. I do still love her and still want my marriage to work. At least give a full effort to see if something is still there between us. I know it won't happen while OM is still in the picture. But maybe in Gods time. I remain faithful and hopeful. Be strong for yourself and for your kids. They are the ones that matter the most.

[Qwill71]

I can tell you if the recorder is good or not. My W had a one night stand one she did't tell me for 9 years. 2 months ago she droped the bomb on me. i was devistated. at first i didn't want to know anything. but i had to know what i was up against. i had to know every little dirty detail. after about a week of knowing i asked how may times they had sex. she told me twice. over the first wek of knowing the answers she was giving me lead me to belive that it was one time. know that she had sex twice was like she had an A allover again. i could go tyo sleep at all. i worked for about 12 hours at my work 230 am to 230 pm went home and took care of the kids and ref'ed 3 basketball games that night. i was emotionally physically drained. the whole day i had every emotion a person can feel that day.

that being said the recording that you have i think is a tool to kave knowledge. does your W know that you have it? telling the OM W most likely make you fell better in the short fall. it is up to the OM to tell his wife. ans on the other hand it make put an end to the emotional A she is having w\OM. it is a dission you have to make on your own.

best of luck. keep the faith your not alone with god on your side

[CBK]

I have a similar post going as well. A month ago, bomb dropped, few days later, found out about OM. Like you Erik, I am having all sorts of troubles with my W not ending the A - I want to snoop, did for a while, told her about it and now don't anymore. I put a post up today wondering if I should contact the other S and let them know they should be in counseling, but these posters are correct, this is the OM issue to deal with.

I am with you brother. Keep the faith.

[Doingmypart]

Qwill71,
W has no clue about recording. Just tried this out 3 days ago with results. Got nothing yesterday as the batt ran out on recorder. I was considering posting an MP3 of their call, but that doesn't seem smart. I dunno. My thinking about telling the OM S is that may help stop it. If she is aware and knows her H is doing this, then it may help the overall sitc. Then again for all I know this could be the last straw for them & he could be free to really be with my W! I think what is bothering me most is that she lied to my face that nothing is going on. I know it's the nature of the beast, but it still sucks. I had a dream last night I has brass knuckles and beat the living S*** out of him and then dragged him to his house and proped him up on his porch w/note to his wife.
First of all I don't own brass knuckles, never been in a fight, or know where they live. Second, it was a dream, so don't any of you worry, that is not my style. Kind of wish it was, but what would come of that? Jail time! Not worth it! Was a nice dream tho.
I know I need to let it go and just deal with what I can change and work on, but it is so damn hard to do that right now. I have lost a bunch of weight, work is getting less attn.
Well, at least the sinking feeling in my Gut was right! That has to be what I take from my spy tactics.
I need to jump into working on Me, still being a good dad, & work. The rest will, god willing, fall into place.