Refuse To Lose, Part VII

[Dom R]

I'm hoping to be able to do this and still pull and effective 180. Right now, I'm not really sure what an effective 180 would be. I'm pretty confused.
...

Maybe you need to stop trying to figure out "what would be an effective change", and instead, go with "what would be a POSITIVE change" ?

Change yourself for the better.
Then, reguardless of your wife's reaction or lack thereof, you can feel good about the change .

[InLikeFlynn]

You weren't going to go because you couldn't get your wife to state that the OM will not be there. Well she now has stated he will not be there, so now I think you should go unless this doesn't have anything to do with the OM?? That will really set off a war if now you won't go even though the OM won't be there. Then she can use that against you with the daughter. Just go, this is your daughter's day. If OM shows up then leave. I don't think your wife would risk being the reason why you left the daughters B-Day party.

[NoDirection]

Bizarre does have a point... It would amke the transition for your D easier if she can see you two together and somewhat cordial.

They both asked that you be there... It is for your little girl.

[RefuseToLose]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so appreciative of you all taking the time to voice your opinions. I want to go and I think it is the right thing. I guess I could have still gone w/ the OM there, but it wasn't comfortable for me at all. I know they have both invited me, so I'll go. I really want to be there, but I was put in a totally unfair position by W concerning the OM's potential presence at the party. In any event, I feel I did the proper and mature thing and I'm still going to ask to have her for the following weekend so I can take her out just her and I to celebrate her birthday.

I do have two big questions that is hanging over me and is one of the two main points I need to focus on in my DBing. 1) Do I come across as trying to control my W's actions by going b/c I told her I wouldn't be going if OM was there? Thus, did my taking a stand control the guest list to some extent? I think it was the right and proper thing to do but I don't want to come across as trying to control what she wants to do. I have ZERO impact on my W's actions and I want to make sure my actions also are helping me to let go and not try to control what W chooses to do.

Secondly, the DR book says that if you "back down" you'll end up looking weak. Will my going be "backing down" and making me look "weak?" Or did my stand make me look strong and let W know what is and isn't appropriate and what I will and won't tolerate? I'm confused on the answer and would appreciate some more feedback.

I'll be responding to her later this afternoon and telling her I'll be attending. I'm working on how to word it carefully to keep her from being so angry.

RTL

[NoDirection]

My opinion, is that you did want you thought was right. In a way you are controlling your wife actions, but her actions are not considering the group or your D. She is focused on her own wishes. It could be looked at that you backed down by coming to the party but you stood for the fact that you did not want the OM there and you would take the reprecussions accordingly. YOu also had a plan for your D for the weekend you had her to celebrate her birthday.

The issue, as it is in my situation, is that your W is used to getting what she wanted regardless of how it effects people. So her having to think about others right now is something new to her and she does not know how to react. I am going through this right now with th ecustody of our son. She does not know how to react when I take him to do things that I want to do without her approval. It is a learning process for them. Focus on you and your D and you will be in the clear...

[AliSuddenly]

Hey RTL, I found you again!
Wow, so much drama from your W. Well, I guess you could just send her a warm and polite text, as though she were a friend? Saying, ok it would be lovely to be at the party if D would like me there and you feel comfortable with me attending? Or someting neutral? In the end this incident isnt going to make or break your sitch.. but going to the party is an interesting one. Although its a kids party, so there will be lots going on, its still a chance to spend some time in your Ws company, so you need to be in DB mode, right! And show her you are acting as if, or not as controlling as you used to be. I think its great that you're getting all that expert help from the DB coaches, can they offer you any advice about the party?

Ali
_______________
Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years
IDLYA: 2 Nov 07
Own flat: 26 Jan 08
Depression confirmed: 4 Mar

[Dom R]

Saying that YOU dont wish to be around OM, and YOU wont be there if he is, is not controlling your wife. It is you, exerting control over YOURSELF.

Gotta be careful how you word it though, to avoid making it a demand, or implied demand.

A poor way, would be telling her what to do. ie:

"Dont invite OM, or I wont come".

An "appropriate boundary" way, would be

"I do not wish to be around OM. If he is going to be there, I wont be".

That's not telling her what to do. That is leaving the choice up to her, and merely informing her what consequences her choices may have.

That being said... i definately agree with the other folks: you should state clearly that you will be there now, since she has stated OM will not be.

Will my going be "backing down" and making me look "weak?"

Going there, is not "backing down".
NOT going there, when you told her the reason you werent coming was OM, would be "backing down", and making your word look weak.

Go for your daughter's birthday, ON her birthday. thats what will mean the most to her.

[RefuseToLose]

Ok, here is my update...

First - Yesterday afternoon and evening.

The realtor came over at 4 and stayed until 5 or so. She liked the house and was the most enthusiastic of the three realtors I've seen about getting something done in a decent time frame as well as getting a pretty good price in this market. I have her contacting W and I'm hoping W will like her as I think she'd be a good choice for us as she specializes in our neighborhood. I do meet w/ others today, so I'll keep an open mind. In any event, I'm hoping we can find someone we agree on and move on this soon. I'd like to have an idea of what I'm doing as soon as I can.

While I was meeting w/ the agent, W sent a text asking for the start time of the party. She then sent another playful text telling she needs to take out a loan b/c D was eating like a goat. I responded to the party text and gave some details, but not the eating one. Around 7:20, W sent another text joking that I'd better call before D eats the phone.

I called at 7:30 as usual and W and I were able to joke around about how much the little monster was eating. W at one point said "The car is gone. She ate it and you'll have to take us to work tomorrow." I heard D in the background say "Mommy, the car is still here." D had looked out the window to see if the car was in fact gone. It was very cute.

W and I began discussing the realtor when D wanted the phone. Once D got on, she didn't get off. W had said she was "tired" but we were on for almost an hour. I talked w/ D, with some of her toys and dolls and then for the last 30+ minutes, D read me some books. She'd keep picking up the phone and telling me she was setting me down to turn the page. She read book after book after book to me and I just sat and listened and answered her questions about the parts of the story. It was priceless. I loved every second of it.

At 8:30, W told D she had to go, so we hung up. I basically shut it down for the evening after that call as I was spent. I was able to get a pretty good night's sleep for once. It was nice.

RTL

[RefuseToLose]

Now on to today and the return of Mr. Hyde -

W sent a text early this morning asking to have the cupcake tins included for Saturday's move. The real artillery wasn't fired until a little after 8 when I received a SCATHING e-mail from W (her opening line was "I don't expect that you will have the guts to respond to this, but I need to speak my peace").

She acused me of telling D that I wasn't going to the party.

Why didn't you tell me you had already told D you aren't coming to her party at the train park? I talked to you about it the other night in the bathroom with the door closed, so she didn't hear it from me. WHAT did you tell her as your reason for not coming? OBVIOUSLY you told her and told her to pretend she didn't know. You are telling her to lie to me. You are telling her to keep secrets.

Ok, I've said ZERO to my D about not going. She had to have overheard her mother talking and probably heard W when she told me I needed to figure out what the f#ck I was going to do about the party.

Anyway, the e-mail went on telling me how awful I am and how I teach my D to lie ("What good parent teaches their child to lie?") and then she wrapped it up w/ a statement that appeared to be a complete CYA:

If you are not going to her party, then you are going to go on the record to Grace, the attorneys, and the mediator that you are not going because you do not want to go to her party. There is no valid reason for you not to attend. You are NOT going to somehow put this on me and make her or anyone else think I do not want you to go.

NO VALID REASON? Hmmm. I'm hoping the parenting evaluator will disagree.

I initially took the bait and began crafting my defense and response to her e-mail. It was full of finger-pointing and the like. However, my common sense prevailed and I ended up responding to her e-mail about the party from yesterday. I did not address this morning's e-mail at all. My response:

I meant to get to this yesterday afternoon, but it got busy here at work, then I had to be home for the realtor. After Nina left (she is trying to contact you - I did like her), I spent the time packing your things for Saturday and then spoke w/ Grace (well, actually Grace spoke w/ me as she was reading to me for close to an hour). I went to bed after we hung up and got a ton of needed sleep. I'm actually not yawning today, which is nice. Concerning the party, now that I do know for sure that Michael will not be attending, I would still like to attend. I've always intended to go and that is what Grace would like to have happen. My only hesistation occured on Sunday when it seemed as if Michael would be in attendance. Now that he isn't, I probably should have let you know I would be attending yesterday. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner on this subject. I also feel that you two should be w/ each other for the entire weekend as it is your special time to share together. I would also like to have her for the bulk of the following weekend so we can celebrate her birthday in a special way as well.

I also sent some small information about the party location and the cupcake tins and I was light-hearted about the whole thing. I probably should have responded to her yesterday as a few of you suggested, but I was holding out hope that I'd get a return e-mail from my DB coach on how best to address this one. I held out until today b/c she had e-mailed me in the morning before, but there was nothing in my in-box. So, I was actually planning on responding to W's question this morning, but she just beat me to the punch.

In any event, I appreciate that you all chimed in and I do agree that I'm not being controlling here, but standing up for myself and establishing boundaries. I also agree with you all that now that it has been established that OM will not be in attendance, for me not to go would be backing down. Thus, I had decided to tell her I was going today anyway. Thank you all. You helped me to calm down and see this situation clearly.

I think I handled things pretty well, especially since I didn't take her bait and argue her accusations. I will be printing them out and using them as my defense in front of the evaluator, but there is no reason for me to engage in a defensive struggle w/ W. I know what I did was right and I think the legal system will see it as well.

What does trouble me is the fact that W is using D for information. I've been told very clearly both in my parenting class and by the evaluatory NOT to do this and I've made very sure not to discuss any D information in front of D4. I hope the system will see this as well.

Talk to you all later. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you again for your feedback, encouragement and support.

RTL

[smith18]

Do they give you any time line as to when the decision will be made about a parenting plan/custody?

"I need to speak my peace" - she is indeed quite a piece.