Totally Lost after 23 years

[addie]

Right now, my W says I care for you, but not love you - it is because she has so many negative feelings, built up a wall. If my W can think back when wewere totally in love, she would have said that no way we would be here

Almost every WAS says this. They rewrite the marital history and focus only on the negatives. This is one way they can justify their behaviour - EA/PA, wanting a D.
As far as OM, do not ask questions. In the book Michelle supports asking questions only when the unfaithful spouse is commited to working on the M. This is not your sitch at this time. Asking questions will make her angry and may push her further away. You cannot contol your W's actions, you can only control your own. Focus on yourself and your children. Be pleasant around W, say good morning, goodnight even if she barely responds, do some housework, GAL, do some 180's. Your W may start to notice some of the changes in you.
This will take time and patience. But it does get a little easier with time.