[girlfromipanema]

Grumpy, thanks so much for your post. If you ever need to get away from Bako, you're welcome to visit me anytime. It's only 104 miles away. (I actually grew up in Bako and went to school in, ahem, Oildale.)

I had an appointment with my IC today. It didn't help my anger dissipate at all. In fact, it was a little frustrating because I had to go through the entire situation from the beginning. The guy I saw today is my "regular" IC (I saw him last summer when I was concerned about my feelings of jealousy and several years back during my depression) but he’s been out since January and I was seeing his partner. I thought the partner would have brought my guy up to speed, but that was not so. Anyway, he said I should determine an amount of time that I'm willing to continue on with things as is. I don't feel like I can do it much longer.

I haven't had a talk with my H since late March. At that time he said he had a lot to think about concerning our future. He hasn't made any attempts at bettering our situation. He doesn't even thank me for cooking dinner and it's fueling my anger. I do have some things I need to clear up with him regarding his assumptions about my attitude if we had children together. Also, I want to express that I'm dedicated to our marriage - I made that commitment and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to improve our friendship and marriage - but I'm not infinitely patient and can't be the only one to want to take the steps to rebuild what we once had. We have BOTH made mistakes in our marriage and we BOTH must invest equally. I'd also like to express that I'm not willing to compromise my needs for happiness and I don't expect him to compromise his needs either. I just really feel like the ball is in his court and I'm tired of having to make all the first moves and reach out to him. I'm afraid my love is turning into hate... yikes.

OWM's sent me a couple texts and called my phone earlier today. I feel bad that I haven't responded, but I just can't get sucked in. I always feel a thousand times worse after speaking with him and I'm feeling bad enough as it is. I don't know what to do to turn my attitude around. Maybe a little retail therapy is in order...