Wow, ST. I've never posted to you before nor am I familiar with your sitch, but this post hits home.
My H can be VERY harsh with our 3 boys, and even with me at times. Although he will apologize after the fact sometimes. My H also feels that the boys will just have to deal with it. They can't be 'babied' anymore; they need to grow up and learn.
I tend to stick up for my kids, too. Perhaps I should back off as well, but it's tough, you know?!
I also try to explain to my boys that Dad is mad - he's angry - and when people are angry, they say and do some pretty mean things. They don't always know that what they're saying or doing hurts others. Dad doesn't mean to be this way; he's not trying to hurt you. He just gets frustrated. That doesn't mean it's ok, because it is definitely not ok at all.
Right now, I worry about my S12 the most. He's beginning to exhibit a short fuse like H. When I see it coming, I have him stop whatever he's doing and tell him to take a seat for a few minutes. After a short time, we talk about what's bothering him. Most times it seems to help calm him down, but every now and then, I can still see that he is upset.
Very tough indeed.
My thoughts are with you.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Thanks GoingForward. My s9 is already where your s12 is. I'm sure part of it is genetic, and part environment. If you can find ways to help your S12 diffuse some of it, that is great. Help him figure out ways that help him diffuse it, and how to channel it in another way besides violence or anger.
The thing we have to be careful of is going behind our H's backs. I don't do this very much anymore, because I know it's not a good way to build the R between our sons and their fathers.
One thing that I have noticed, is that I have been respecting my H on how he does things, meaning stick up for him and what he says goes, and I have noticed that he is more patient than he was before. I think I also need to bring up more positive things my sons do when talking about them, instead of just bringing up the problems I face.
My H never did bring up the whole cussing at him thing, and never apologized to him either.
JOURNAL...
H and I had a littl argument. I'll have to explain more later, but it's about s9 again. He got in trouble again at school and the teachers want to talk to us. I'm just frustrated that things are NOT getting better, and H is adamant that he is going to school no matter whether he hates it or what. He's so closed minded and I really think a lot of it has to do with me and before the sitch. I'll have to explain later though, s3 keeps pulling my arms.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
We haven't talked about it again. well, I've brought it up indirectly, but H doesn't seem to want to discuss it. I mentioned that teachers want to meet asap. Even the teacher mentioned to me that maybe public school isn't for him, but that was something we as parents need to discuss. I hope she mentions that when we meet.
What my H just doesn't get, is that even teachers get frustrated with the school system. I've talked to several and they all wish they could teach the way THEY wanted to, instead of following all these guideline/testing requirements. So it's not like I'm being picky or something.
And even if I AM being picky, whats wrong with wanting the best education available to meet my childs needs so that he can learn the best way he can.
This is is where my H and I butt heads. He's actually starting to come around a bit though. for ex. he use to be a pill popper that just did whatever the doc told him too. now at least he's starting to think for himself. He sees all the crazy side affects that drugs have and is starting to second guess things. It was funny, I remember sometime after the sitch he saw a drug commercial and they were listing the side affects afterwards and he says, I think I'd rather have the disease then the side affects.
anyways, what I was going to mention yesterday about it being my fault....
I know that when someone is not happy that they tend to nitpick. Well, I did that and my H did that. I was unhappy and would gripe about public school being aweful, before I let H decide where s9 would go. So, since H being a public school kid, probably took some offense to it. On the other hand, H was unhappy and annoyed by the things I did, like buying organic food, being in control of s9's education, etc.
Oh how I wish I didn't talk down on the public school, and had involved H more in my decision to homeschool. Part of me was afraid he wouldn't let me, so I took over more control, and the other part just wanted to have control period since H wasn't hardly there for s9's first 4 years.
I know that the school decision was just a symptom of what was going on in our R. although, I do think it's something he's desiring (for our son to go to school) but I think it was not the main problem like he made it sound.
I remember he griped about me being obsessed with organic a neighbor told me. I laughed and said, there's not even half organic stuff in our pantry. we have lays chips and all kinds of other stuff. But that wasn't the problem, it had just become a symptom. NOW, my H actually BOUGHT an organic clifbar! I thought, how ironic. He even mentioned doing a colon cleanse a couple weeks ago!
Sooooo, I was really hoping the school issue would dissolve a bit, but not yet. Maybe I need to talk to him about how important it is to me, and how hurt I was by him "taking it away from me" (it was my decision to submit, but that's what HE wanted, and I gave in). I would think he already knows this though.
hmmmmmmmm. I really need to pray about this. I wish I could remember to pray more often. We lead too busy of lives.
So
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
In end of year 2004, I wrote to you telling you that my husband asked for divorce and he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. That time all that I felt was like the world has ended. First I don't understand why it has to happen to me until God brought you and some other people to me. That was when I know God is speaking to me and telling me that He will restore my marriage again but I will have to follow His ways. Of course God's ways are difficult especially when the circumstances doesn't show a bit that the marriage will work out again. God continue to remind me to put my focus on Him and His promise and NOT my circumstances.
Throughout the 1 year, it was very difficult, painful and full of tears but GOD is really faithful. He is always there each time when I called out to Him and His presence is so real. Most of my time was spent reading His Word and each time I can really feel God speaking to me through His Word and teaching me what I should do in each situation. During these times, God has changed me so much.
Throughout the 10 months after my husband told me that he will divorce me, he didn't speak to me at all. It was really difficult but I remember God asking me to just show love to him and expect nothing in return. That was the time God showed me what's the real meaning of LOVE. During that time all that I know is I'm relying on God's strength because if I were to use my own strength I would have moved out from the house because it was just too painful.
In Oct 2005, my husband decided to move out from the house but again God is so good because He prepared me for that time. God has given me the strength to the extent that I was helping my husband to pack his things and even say goodbye to him when he is leaving. I remember telling God that I've done everything that God has asked me to do and now I surrender my husband to Him.
In Dec 2005, my husband called me and asked me out and that was the start of our marriage restoration which I've never expected that it will happen so fast. OUR GOD IS TRULY AWESOME & A GOD OF MIRACLE if we choose to believe.
It has already been more than 2 years our marriage has been restored and recently my husband decided to start attending church again. PRAISE GOD!! HALLELUJAH!!
Love in Christ,
Hui Mee from Malaysia (Mimi)
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
This is something I found online, and it has some of the same info that I got from "For Women Only" that EVERY woman should read btw.
Studying the opposite sex is a life-long process. And intentionally connecting with the man in your life takes hard work. If you consistently avoid the following six No-No’s, you will engage his heart and solidify your relationship:
1. Never nag. There are better ways to address problems in your relationship such as a direct, face-to-face dialogue about what is bothering you. If that fails, seek outside help. But don’t nag. Nagging is jeerleading, not cheerleading, and it never improves a man. It only hurts him. One of the worst things a man can experience is looking daily into the “mirror” he loves and seeing his faults and shortcomings relentlessly being played back to him.
In my pastoral experience I’ve found that many unhappy marriages are actually pretty good overall. The problem is, husbands and wives tend to get locked in on each other’s negatives. They lose sight of all the positive things about their significant other. As someone once told me, “You can blot out the sun with your thumb if you bring it close enough to your eye.” You can also blot out a good marriage if you focus only on the things your husband is not. For this reason Scripture encourages women not to nag (Prov. 21:9, 19).
2. Never embarrass your man in public. Proverbs 12:4 say, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.” Nothing can anger a man more than being criticized by his wife or girlfriend in front of his peers. Even something as simple as rolling your eyes to mock his words or behavior before others can devastate him. The reason? It shouts, “This guy doesn’t have it together.” He may not react visibly to this sort of thing in the moment, but inside he begins to harbor secret anger against you for this public shaming. And that anger will often come out later in a different time and context.
3. Never stop cheering for your man, even when he has flaws. There’s no perfect man or perfect marriage. Don’t fall into the trap of idealizing other couples and their outwardly perfect marriages. Still, many women embrace marriage perfection in their minds. This mirage unnecessarily undercuts and stokes dissatisfaction in their own marriages.
I’ve seen many women struggle to accurately gauge the health of their marriage. Most are more pessimistic than they should be, dwelling on the 5 percent that’s out of whack, to the exclusion of the 95 percent that’s on track. Everyone else thinks, What a great guy her husband is! because he’s doing so many things well. He’s responsible, kind, truthful, and helpful but she’s lost sight of her great guy because she’s locked in on the small percentage of things he’s not doing well: “He doesn’t talk to me enough. He’s not a strong, spiritual leader in our home.” Resist this negative approach. Don’t dwell on a few shortcomings. Cheer the good stuff and entrust the rest to God.
4. Never treat sex in marriage casually. It’s crucial to your husband. Crucial! Remember, good sex for a man is not only what it means for him but also what it means for you. Stay creative. Surprise him from time to time. Books are available to help you in this. Stay attractive. Tell him what he’s doing right and how good he makes you feel. Good sex is life-giving to a husband.
5. Never assume his job is not your business. A man wants to marry a woman who will nourish his life vision. You should have a good hands-on knowledge of what your husband does and appreciate the pressures he faces. Interact with him when he needs to talk about his work. Problem solve with him when you can. Pray for him and let him know it. Be his career partner.
6. Never fall more in love with your kids than with your husband. That’s easy to do as the years go by. I call it “the great swap.” You get caught up in all the things the kids are doing, often seeing more of them than you do your husband. What you don’t notice is the growing distance developing between you and the man you vowed years ago to give your life to.
Then comes the day when the house is empty of children. They’re gone. But so is the closeness between you and your husband. You’re alone with a stranger. Don’t let that happen. Keep developing new ways to enjoy each other even while the kids are home. Take regular getaways without the children throughout your marriage to renew and refresh your relationship. Keep finding new ways to connect and enjoy life together. And when that day comes when the last kid moves out, you’ll be able to turn to your husband and say, “At last! Let the good times roll!”
Robert Lewis is the founder of Men's Fraternity and pastor-at-large for Fellowship Bible Church in Little Rock, Ark. Robert and his wife, Sherard, have four children.
Jeremy Howard is a writer and editor with a Ph.D. in Christian Apologetics and Worldview Studies from Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He lives with his wife and children in Nashville, Tenn.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
That is absolutely fantastic!!!!!!! I e-mailed it to myself, and I may print it out and stick it to my forehead!
I thought I was good about not nagging, but my H had a different opinion. I know I violated #2 on more occasions than I care to think about. And sex was also not enough of a priority to me. Hopefully I can learn from this though.
That article is wonderful.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
A great reminder for ALL of us women!!! I know I knew these things, or had heard them before my sitch, but it took a catastrophe for me to get it in my head.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
a quick post to ask for prayers for my sister. Now it's her that is going thru what I did 2 years ago. I had hoped she would have learned from my experience, but she is stubborn. Hopefully she will learn from her own experience.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
And sex was also not enough of a priority to me. 
Hopefully I can learn from this though.