Refuse To Lose, Part VII

[RefuseToLose]

Now on to today and the return of Mr. Hyde -

W sent a text early this morning asking to have the cupcake tins included for Saturday's move. The real artillery wasn't fired until a little after 8 when I received a SCATHING e-mail from W (her opening line was "I don't expect that you will have the guts to respond to this, but I need to speak my peace").

She acused me of telling D that I wasn't going to the party.

Why didn't you tell me you had already told D you aren't coming to her party at the train park? I talked to you about it the other night in the bathroom with the door closed, so she didn't hear it from me. WHAT did you tell her as your reason for not coming? OBVIOUSLY you told her and told her to pretend she didn't know. You are telling her to lie to me. You are telling her to keep secrets.

Ok, I've said ZERO to my D about not going. She had to have overheard her mother talking and probably heard W when she told me I needed to figure out what the f#ck I was going to do about the party.

Anyway, the e-mail went on telling me how awful I am and how I teach my D to lie ("What good parent teaches their child to lie?") and then she wrapped it up w/ a statement that appeared to be a complete CYA:

If you are not going to her party, then you are going to go on the record to Grace, the attorneys, and the mediator that you are not going because you do not want to go to her party. There is no valid reason for you not to attend. You are NOT going to somehow put this on me and make her or anyone else think I do not want you to go.

NO VALID REASON? Hmmm. I'm hoping the parenting evaluator will disagree.

I initially took the bait and began crafting my defense and response to her e-mail. It was full of finger-pointing and the like. However, my common sense prevailed and I ended up responding to her e-mail about the party from yesterday. I did not address this morning's e-mail at all. My response:

I meant to get to this yesterday afternoon, but it got busy here at work, then I had to be home for the realtor. After Nina left (she is trying to contact you - I did like her), I spent the time packing your things for Saturday and then spoke w/ Grace (well, actually Grace spoke w/ me as she was reading to me for close to an hour). I went to bed after we hung up and got a ton of needed sleep. I'm actually not yawning today, which is nice. Concerning the party, now that I do know for sure that Michael will not be attending, I would still like to attend. I've always intended to go and that is what Grace would like to have happen. My only hesistation occured on Sunday when it seemed as if Michael would be in attendance. Now that he isn't, I probably should have let you know I would be attending yesterday. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner on this subject. I also feel that you two should be w/ each other for the entire weekend as it is your special time to share together. I would also like to have her for the bulk of the following weekend so we can celebrate her birthday in a special way as well.

I also sent some small information about the party location and the cupcake tins and I was light-hearted about the whole thing. I probably should have responded to her yesterday as a few of you suggested, but I was holding out hope that I'd get a return e-mail from my DB coach on how best to address this one. I held out until today b/c she had e-mailed me in the morning before, but there was nothing in my in-box. So, I was actually planning on responding to W's question this morning, but she just beat me to the punch.

In any event, I appreciate that you all chimed in and I do agree that I'm not being controlling here, but standing up for myself and establishing boundaries. I also agree with you all that now that it has been established that OM will not be in attendance, for me not to go would be backing down. Thus, I had decided to tell her I was going today anyway. Thank you all. You helped me to calm down and see this situation clearly.

I think I handled things pretty well, especially since I didn't take her bait and argue her accusations. I will be printing them out and using them as my defense in front of the evaluator, but there is no reason for me to engage in a defensive struggle w/ W. I know what I did was right and I think the legal system will see it as well.

What does trouble me is the fact that W is using D for information. I've been told very clearly both in my parenting class and by the evaluatory NOT to do this and I've made very sure not to discuss any D information in front of D4. I hope the system will see this as well.

Talk to you all later. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you again for your feedback, encouragement and support.

RTL