Quote: hey ll, i thought so too... it's pretty HARD being proactive!!!
yes it certainly is!!!
so now what will you do about it???
just let last night interaction go and keep in mind a new way to handle it next time??
make mention of it to mat?? explain what you were doing..that you were taken off gaurd with his questioning and just punted with your complaints about him??
I know that when I make a foolish stink about something h is doing (yes I admit it) and it gets off to a tiff...there are times when it is left unaddressed because it just seems like all is well...that way is ok but I know that I feel much better when h does mention it...here I'll give you an example..
one night this week after the kids were in bed h was at the puter and I was watching tv..
h came to me and said..in case your wondering what I'm doing on the puter...I'm looking into refinancing again..the rates are too good right now not to.. (I was wondering but didn't question so was happy he let me know)
eventually h makes a phone call from the other room...sitting there talking about our money..taxes...etc...at first I thought he was talking to a bank or something but then said to myself duh look at the time...plus the manner in which he was speaking wasn't totally business...I asked him who he was talking to..he either didn't hear or ignored me...I asked again...he said his uncle..this didn't settle well with me simply because his uncle (is an accountant) does our taxes and knows what he makes and pays etc..so why would he be telling uncle this info that I assume he already knows..whatever....I sit in the other room overhearing h talking all about our money and the different options of the refinance...trying to decide wich to go with...
it starts to bother me that h would be talking to someone else about this decision...leaving me to feel stupid and left out of the loop etc...
h knows I'm bothered by something so when he's off the phone comes and says hey...w'sup...well I try to let him know my feelings of hearing him talk with someone else about our finances...how it makes me feel stupid..left out etc...
h gets pissy.."even when I'm trying to do something good I can't do it right"
that was not my intent...
the argument that should not have even been an argument got out of hand...to the point where I went off about stupid things one being h's lack of ability to communicate...
we went to bed angry
but the morning came and we let it go...
the end of the next day when h came home from work..
he said..
I want to let you know I'm sorry if the way I handled things made you feel bad...you were the first person I told about the idea of refinancing..I spoke to uncle becuase he is knowledgable about such things and I trust his oppinion...
that conversation did have more in it...
but the fact is..all h had to say was I'm sorry for the way things went....
in doing that...he was not having to take full blame (becuase I know part of the problem is my own issues of feeling stupid or left out in general and not just with him) and I didn't either...
Quote: BTW, I think that is cute that you noticed he was trying not to be angry... Even though his body language gives it away!!!
Me too. What is even better is that you didnt react to him being angry because you could tell he was trying to control it. Very good job Charcoal, very good.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
We went out to a ^*~fancy~*^ restaurant tonight. In fact, we've been out more in these last three months than we've been out in the last five years. It was funny... I was trying to act like it was a date? You know, not stuffing a huge wad of julienned carrots in my mouth and chewing off the ends so they land on the plate.... haha ha ha ha aha... kidding, well... sorta
(I gots mad class :P).
lostlove, I know, I know... and I did tell him where I was coming from... i mean, he can ask me "what's wrong" at almost anytime and if he *forces* the issue I can almost always come up with something, even if it's just the fact that he's asking.
resentments are interesting little things
i can remember a number of times today when
that little bugger crept up on my shoulder
and I didn't say anything about it
and now I'm sitting here
and...
what were they again???
I think when we ask our S's "what's wrong", and they say "nothing", then we should just walk away and not worry if they're mad at us. It's about letting people own and control the release of their emotions.
btw ~ i like you guys i'm glad you're all here thanks for helping me out
Hi, Char...just noticed your thread, and was trying to catch up with it. I guess I was a WAS, but I HATE hearing myself described as that. I was going through motions in the A, but when H found out, I was so sick thinking about what it would be like to really LEAVE, I could hardly walk. I know, in hindsight, that I was never intending to leave. It just felt good to have someone "after" me, telling me how great I was, etc. etc. I was definitely in a FOG!
I'm not sure I understand your question, I think I need to read up on your previous thread. But, my H (Sadbuthopeful) and I are both on here - I joined after I "woke up" - and it has mostly been good, but it is hard at times to read his posts. I try to read them when I'm feeling ok, when I have time to respond &/or regroup if I'm upset. When I'm just in need of support for myself, I stay away from his thread. It works ok. Except for the one time I ended up reading a post he wrote on Jethro's thread - and my computer monitor died before I got the the end of his post where he said he was mostly hopeful!!! We have had to have some discussions about things we've written on here, but, that's just good R work, I think!
Good luck...glad you had a good dinner out!!!
My manners are usually most tested with spaghetti (letting the excess ends just fall back onto the plate) - but I'll have to be more careful next time I have carrots julienne!!!!!
Hey...My first thread was under my H's name - Sadbuthopeful, it's called "Sadbuthopeful's SAM"...I didn't do much to link back to it when I started my own thread...sorry!
Sadbuthopeful has several threads that probabably explain the sitch best...I am a (well, was) a clinical psychologist - with a 3 year old and a 5 year old, not able to make enough money to pay back student loans w/o working full time, NEVER wanted to work full time with small kids, worked SO HARD to get the #%$#@ Ph.D. so I could make some money and ENJOY my life. DID NOT WORK!
So, naturally, I had affairs with 2 clients (consecutively). Booooo. H went to client/A #2's house to tell him to lay off, b/c he WOULD NOT leave me alone once I was caught by H via emails and realized what a quadruple FOOL I'd been. H had to go to court for assault & battery, that was tough. Also I reported myself to the Board of Psychology, so had to go through humiliating investigation, etc. Surrendered my license after realizing (with help from a good consultant) that I really DO NOT LIKE being a therapist. Hard to admit when you've sacrificed so much time & $$$ to do it, and thought it was what you wanted since you were 13 years old!
Anyway, not to hijack your thread, but that's it in a nutshell. I'm pretty depressed, struggling with shame & anger, needing to make $$ so we don't go bankrupt, but not sure I can do it. I'm interested in what you're looking for on this thread - maybe it'll help me, too!
I'll try to read up on your sitch more -- got the 3 & 5 year old home today - they're playing nicely for now, but they're starting to get revved up - oh, and the dryer just buzzed...a woman's work is never ever done!!!!!
Quote: oh, and the dryer just buzzed...a woman's work is never ever done!!!!!
Thats womans work?
I know how you feel Sam. Its easy to get caught up in the depression and self loathing from the bad things you contributed to your M. You being a therapist and all kind of gives you an edge though. You know what you are suposed to do to be able to move on. Gain the attituded that "Yeah I made mistakes, but I cannot change them now, so I have to focus on the future and do things right from here on out."
Your not the root of all evil. We all make mistakes. Its ok. Learn from it and try to move on.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
oooh, ouch and double ouch... om was not such the "man" now was he? bummer...
you know... well, i don't know we all do stuff to sabotage ourselves especially when we're in that place of self-loathing i can't imagine having all the tools you have PhD and all and finding out you're still human (i'm NOT saying you thought you weren't human, honest... i don't know nothin :P)
but, it's like the one time i got mugged having been in karate classes for well over a year i was shocked and amazed at how much i DIDN'T know karate! oooops
but, that's just it and i think what floyd101's saying too we're human not superhuman
yes, you messed up yes, I messed up we were incomplete and sought something outside to complete us i put the faith of my vows in H to complete me and that was wrong and when he failed...
ooooh....
yeah, i messed up big time
point is, i can sit here wishing things happened differently but i do still have my faith faith that it's all part of the Big Guy's plan and that the change we need had to come this way
anyway, rambling here, but the point of this thread was finding out what "walk-aways" base their "piecing" on. kinda like using the analogy of a puzzle... you know? how you look for the corners and edge pieces before getting started on the meat of the puzzle?
i think, for me... i got so far away from H and had nothing but the current negative situation and a few remote good memories that were more abstract than anything that i had to find the good things i wanted and then make a plan to encourage those things to grow in our marriage.
i think, that as those things grow, it will enable me to find a places in our "landscape" where the ugly things like "needing validation" or "being able to voice my resentments" can exist and be tolerated and not be the threat they are.
so, that's happening, little by little the ugly things pop up about twice a week or so and they're friggin' hard on both of us
