W said it was over w/OM...don't think so

[Doingmypart]

My W told me the "one time sex" affair was over, they still work in the same circles, and interact on occasion. "it is as if it never happened." she told me. She said the same thing in a counseling session 2 days ago. I believed her, until I realized how often she talked to him on the phn. I got very worried about it and decided to investigate. Planted a digital recorder in her car & could hear her side of the conversation(s) with OM. Was it wrong to do this? I am sure it was, but I wanted to know for sure, and felt like she was not being honest. I have been accused of not being honest or sharing about me enough. Which is true, I don't think what I have to say is all that important sometimes, or simply forget to share all the details.
I really want to confront him, and her, and his wife. I think she should know too. I am still trying to solve that part in how to locate her. This is crazy, I am not like this, but I have never been in a sitc like this before. I never thought I was a jealous person, but my trust was shaken a lot when I found out it happened in the first place. I took most of the blame at the time.
WHY? Because our R was a mess then (2004)& still is now. I felt it was all my fault, I was the one that withdrew, I was the one trying to come to terms and deal with depression issues, I was the one that seemed to be not interested in her (not true by the way) my actions kept proving that to her. All along I was just hurting and wanting to repair our R and seemed to get no where fast. Spinning my wheels and never making progress. Any progress I did make, was second guessed leaving me feeling more like a failure, or that I "should have done this or that". I don't know what to do. I am mad, but am not ready to confront her on this. Hell, last night I told her I had a gut feeling that there was something inappropriate going on and she assured me it wasn't. So maybe it's just flirting and enuendos (sp?) I don't know. What I have heard, it sounds more than that.
All I can do and am doing is working hard on ME. Getting myself to where I am confident, happy, and strong mentally and physically too. Then I feel like I will be in a better place for our R improvements. Hopefully the W will be ready to stay and work on us. As of now, she is not sure what she wants with us. She is tired of waiting for me to change, improve, be consistent, or anything.
Thanks!