Where do...I...go from here?

[tpaschal]

So my first thread finally locked. Came up with a new title for my thread. Not very original, but it certainly fits what I'm thinking!!

Wish I knew how to link my past thread.

So, to update...

I am trying to GAL and be strong and positive for my kids (aren't we all?) but it is hard. I know I am doing better by far than I was 16 or 12 or 6 or even 3 months ago, but I still waffle and spin and twist in the wind on many occasions.

The hardest part is trying to picture a happy future without him. I can kind of sort of picture a future without H, but right now that picture still has very little joy or happiness in it.

And I don't know what I'll be DOING in that future career wise, or how it will affect the kids and their day to day lives. I'm having to make decisions for my and my kids' future based on so many unknowns. I want to do something I love, but I have no idea what that is right now, or how to figure it out. I know I'm still focused too much on what I'm losing, what the kids and I will be missing.

Temporary Orders hearing for Temp. Child Support, Spousal Support and Visitation were set on March 12. H is giving me the money required, but is not sticking to the visitation. He wants me to be flexible, but he won't.

He agreed verbally in front of both Lawyers to do some things that he is now backing out on, so am having to take him back to court at the end of April to get those things addressed.

My L is threatening to withdraw from the case due to non-payment. Pisses me off, since he knew from day 1 that even though H is a doctor, this was not going to be a big money case. We just got all our debts (college, med school, practice start up costs) paid off about 3 years ago, and H had just started making really good money. We hadn't had much time to save or build up retirement or anything. All we have is our house, 2 well-used cars, and H's practice. (Small private practice with 2 other docs, but none of them are specialists.)

L also knew I was a stay at home mom with no access to any funds other than what H gives me. When I had to counterfile, my L asked the court to make H responsible for all attorney's fees. It was my understanding that was something that would be decided by the judge at the end of the case during the settlement phase, so I'm pretty p.o.'d that L is changing things mid-stream and demanding payment now.

Of course, if he does withdraw, I would have to get a new lawyer, which would make a final D take a lot longer......don't know which route to go.

As for H, he is back to anger stage. If I don't give in to his every request, he spews. (Helped along by OW, I am sure. And I'm not just speculating, I KNOW.)

At the same time, H wants me to still fulfill wifely duties---he wants me to take care of all the details. He wants a D, he wants the house on the market, but expects me to do all the work for it.

It's pretty much the same for the kids' stuff, too. He expects me to keep him informed about everything and take care of all the paperwork and scheduling, even when it's his time for visitation. I don't think he really misses the kids right now or cares what they are up to, as it interferes with his fantasy world, but since he has to at least play the part of Daddy, he wants me to take care of it all. When he was home I always told him what the kids had going on and where to be and when to be there. He still expects that, except now he just says no if he's got something better to do. And if I don't do it, he blames his absence on me. (He has S9's soccer schedule, but since I didn't call or text to remind him of that specific game day and time, he just didn't show up, then told S9 "Mommy didn't tell me you had a game.")

I think OW keeps him on an exceptionally short leash. Don't know if he realizes it yet. She may be doing it very sweetly, but she is leashing him. Wish he would wake up and see it.

At Temp. Orders meeting, H agreed to do some counseling, for the kids' sake. We went to one C session, and it was about as I expected. H lied about our M, our kids, his parents, everything. Said there was no hope for reconciling, he was done, he couldn't even remember the last time he had loved me, he had moved on, etc. Said he was only there because he wanted to help the kids. HAH!

I went to one individual C session, and H has his individual session scheduled for tomorrow, but don't know if he will keep the appt. He got mad at something and wrote me an email yesterday about money saying he would no longer pay for individual C sessions. I don't know if he was referring just to my sessions, or if he meant he wouldn't go at all.

I just left C a phone message, so waiting to hear back.

Realtor was here to look over house last Thurs., but have not heard back from her yet. I'm not in too much hurry, except that I will need to get a good selling price to be able to buy something for me and the kids.

Final court date is currently set for August 4, but will probably be moved back at least once, since issues we discussed at Temp. Orders meeting have still not been addressed and may take several weeks to complete. And if my L does drop out, it may be a whole lot later than August!