hey y'all... just journaling again, but I do have a question... what could I have done differently??
Last night was kinda hard.
Went to codependency meeting, came home, started researching information for a Fourth Step... "A searching and fearless moral inventory".... of myself!!! So, it's a daunting task, nonetheless, if it's going to help me change me for me, then I am ALL for it.
The first thing you do is list your resentments. In order to list them, you gotta think about them, right? So, I separated myself, went into the garage, broke out the journal and realized I'd rather have a password-protected document to start with. Anyway, H comes out, asks if anything's wrong... I say No. H says he just feels like something's wrong and wants to know what it is.
Well, come to think of it, I was a little "miffed" about H sleeping when he gets home from work. The real reason I'm "miffed", and I do tell him this, is that I'm concerned that maybe he's not taking care of his depression, or whatever. I tell him I don't know if he's taking his meds, cuz he says he wants to go off 'em all the time, and I ask him how he's coming with the C sessions.
Before he could even speak, I knew he was mad. Bless him for trying to act like he wasn't, but body language doesn't lie.
So, I immediately start backpeddaling. Validating, using non-defensive communication, asking to talk about it later, saying I shouldn't have said anything...
I mean to tell you, there was little stopping it. The gate was open.
So, I escaped. I went to bed.
H lay next to me talking for a long while about ALL the ways he's taking care of himself, and how he can't believe that I don't believe him. (I do believe him, btw, I was just checking the status of the sitch, and besides... this whole thing started with me minding my own bizniz.)
Anyway, here comes the piggybacked issue... my lack of response to his touch, his hugs... no sex...
oh, wait a sec, we've done that twice since friday...
so, I'm going to sleep while he's going on and on and I hear...
"I DON'T BELIEVE THAT A WIFE WOULD BE LIKE THAT!!!"
I poked my head up and said, "H! STOP IT! JUST STOP!"
H calls me a control freak and finally gets some rest.
Today was fine. We recovered better than we've recovered in a long, long time....
I was really trying to do and say the right thing. To own it, to not blame, shoot, to not even bring it up in the first place.
