WAS out of house 8 months, but probably emotionally out of m for several years. I do certainly have some blame, but have come around to seeing it takes two.
After 3 months of contact the W went south and requested nc. she went 3 weeks before beginning calling again at all hours. I made the mistake early on of crying and pleading, and when the calls began again, I started lecturing and trying to fix it rather than just listen.
4 months ago out of the blue she filed a po, and so there has been 0 contact. She is lifting po this week so that we can both participate in several family functions, including an upcoming wedding. She missed one a few weeks ago because all 6 kids have let her know that with only one parent allowed it would not be her.
I have met with a couple of church leaders and some of her former counselors who paint a pretty bleak picture of her coming around, and I have to agree. I think she will be staying with the D program once the wedding is over.
I feel like I have 2 months to make a diff, if I can. Not many others see much hope, and I am not too optimistic myself.
I have crawled out of the depression hole I was in prior to the po and am feeling so much better about life and myself, I am gun shy to even interact with her for the next few months, but know it should be done, at least for our daughter.
Besides being positive, upbeat, confident and supportive without being enabling, what other things should I do/not do? Heck, I'm wondering at this point how I handle the first get together we end up at? Just very layed back? Run up and give her a hug, then sit by others? What would be a 180 that she would be suprised at and keep me on an emotional level keel. I do NOT want to go back in the depression hole! How do I handle Mothers day gifts-her upcoming bday gift, ect...? Thx!
DBS Im not sure but this is how I handle my H it hasnt brought him home but he visits 4x a week and we interact often I am friendly and kind not overly I dont usually iniate conversations if he is at my house to see 2 kids, and he wants to talk he usually comes to me if he is angry or distant that day, I resapect his place and usually dont push any contact I would acknoledge her with a smile or wave and not iniate any other contact-no hugs focus on other things at party as she will probably watch you detach let her come to you if she doesnt let it go and dont approach her if you are at party talk to other guests and stay busy this I think will make her safe especially if you been pushy before as for others giving advice Many mean well but only we can decide what we need to do for our M many will encourage us to move on including, family, therapists. pastors friends ect In Fact the only people to encourage our stand seem to be other standers- good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Just be cool and play things by ear. When you start thinking too much, you get into trouble.
Now to your question:
Quote:
Are the counselors right?-I should move on?
I always hated the phrase "move on." What it always seems to me ids go find someone else. that is why I always preferred to say move forward. We should always move forward with our lives. We don;t need another person to do that. I have been divorced over 7 years and am happy to say I am single and glad to be so.
Enjoy the life you have not the one you thought you wanted.
if anything treat her like an acquantaince, polite. And here comes a cliche "BE yourself", just relax and be nice. No longing looks, no expectations.
About gifts, perhaps downplay it a bit without ignoring it, a card for mothers day, a gift "from your daughter" on her bday, something neutral like that (I am almost legally separated, but still dont' want to ignore significant dates, will give him the latest portrait of our kids for his bday, and will have them decorate a mug with their drawings for dad's day).
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
hi DBS, I am sorry for all that you are going through. Have you spoken to a DB coach yet? They would give you specific advice on how handle all these upcoming events and your concerns. Take good care.
