Better late than never?

[jon2911]

It is interesting about her song choices. Hopefully it means she is sorting through the emotional baggage she has. It will be a long process, but she'll be better for it. And it might help her migraines - while I'm sure there's medical reasons for them, the stress she has is probably a very big cause of them - spiritual/emotional issues that get buried don't actually go away, they manifest as other things like illnesses.

I think you're exactly right. The hard thing is, I can't help her with this, she needs to make the decision for herself.

Journaling:
Monday night I was having a great time. Recovery group was great, and about to watch a movie at a friend's, and W called. I had just finished our taxes and e-filed them. We had a fun, light conversation, and she mentioned coming in next week. She still has a lot of stuff at my place and wants to move it to storage. I told her it would be better on the weekend, because then I could help her more, but she said her weekends are busy with "family stuff". Not sure what she means by that. She wants to come in next Tuesday, go to a Doctor appointment, load some stuff in my truck and make a night run to storage, then stay the night. I asked her what the rush is, and she said she's already sold some stuff on Ebay, and needs to come get it so her customers won't be angry.

This was very disappointing. I have several projects I'm working on for when W visits, and thought I'd have more time. Now my week is wrecked trying to get ready for her to come. Probably a good thing, I have a lot of work to do around the house, and sooner is better than later. Still, I'm a bit overwhelmed. She's also making it sound final, she wants to give me the keys back and "be done".

Last night she called around midnight and woke me up. Said she wanted a copy of the taxes I filed, she feels weird leaving it to me. It's like she doesn't know what to do now that she doesn't have to look after me any more. She sounded very upbeat, had just been shopping, and mentioned she was "horny". I called her back a little later and started talking sexy, and it went very well. Even mentioned a couple experiments for when she visits. All of the sudden, she cut it off, said she can't do this it makes her too sad.

I called her right back, said I didn't mean to pressure her or anything. She said she doesn't want to send me the wrong message, that she still wants D, etc. I told her not to worry about that, I'm a big boy and can handle it. She said "no, you can't, you bragged to your friends."

A month ago she found an e-mail I wrote to two friends, saying I was having the "best sex of my life." Yes, it was bragging. Kind of like Michelle gets to do on here But I never intended her to find that. She says I'm trying to tell my friends that everything is fine with us and I don't have to work on myself any more.

Then she brought up how I didn't appreciate her when we were together, but now I do because I can't have her. I apologized for taking her for granted and validated her feelings, and also said I'm working on personal stuff so that I never treat anyone that way again.


She said "I just don't know what you want from me". She's asked that before. What does that mean? How can I answer that?

I told her "I just want to help you".
"No one can help me" she said.

"The only way you can help me is to let the D happen quietly"

I told her that's not what I want, but I won't stand in her way. She said it would be nice if I could ask my lawyer what her next step should be. She just has so much on her plate right now. WTF? Like what? She's not working, living with her parents, not doing a dang thing from what I can tell. She wants me to get legal advice so she can D me?

I'm about done with this. Things have been going great lately, promotion at work, new role at church, a whole lot of new friends. I met an Iranian violin player who plays all over the world. She's joining our team at church, and invited me to her show downtown on Friday night. Extremely cool.

The last time I played at church was 3 years ago, right before getting married. With W and her health problems and everything, I just didn't have the time. All the musicians are asking "where have you been?" It's like I'm getting my life back again, finally.

I haven't told W about the church stuff yet, she's convinced that I shouldn't be doing that with my problems. Doesn't matter to her that I'm working on them. Should I tell her? I need to do a Michelle-type letter at some point also.