Better late than never?

[jon2911]

[quote=jon2911]It is interesting about her song choices. Hopefully it means she is sorting through the emotional baggage she has. It will be a long process, but she'll be better for it. And it might help her migraines - while I'm sure there's medical reasons for them, the stress she has is probably a very big cause of them - spiritual/emotional issues that get buried don't actually go away, they manifest as other things like illnesses.

Bingo! I think you're spot on. The frustrating thing is that I can't help her work through this. She'll have to do it on her own. Several times during the marriage she mentioned needing counseling over her parent's divorce and a lot of stuff she's never worked through. I can only pray that as she works through this she'll want to come back, but if not I'll be fine. Had one of the best weekends ever.

[jon2911]

It is interesting about her song choices. Hopefully it means she is sorting through the emotional baggage she has. It will be a long process, but she'll be better for it. And it might help her migraines - while I'm sure there's medical reasons for them, the stress she has is probably a very big cause of them - spiritual/emotional issues that get buried don't actually go away, they manifest as other things like illnesses.

I think you're exactly right. The hard thing is, I can't help her with this, she needs to make the decision for herself.

Journaling:
Monday night I was having a great time. Recovery group was great, and about to watch a movie at a friend's, and W called. I had just finished our taxes and e-filed them. We had a fun, light conversation, and she mentioned coming in next week. She still has a lot of stuff at my place and wants to move it to storage. I told her it would be better on the weekend, because then I could help her more, but she said her weekends are busy with "family stuff". Not sure what she means by that. She wants to come in next Tuesday, go to a Doctor appointment, load some stuff in my truck and make a night run to storage, then stay the night. I asked her what the rush is, and she said she's already sold some stuff on Ebay, and needs to come get it so her customers won't be angry.

This was very disappointing. I have several projects I'm working on for when W visits, and thought I'd have more time. Now my week is wrecked trying to get ready for her to come. Probably a good thing, I have a lot of work to do around the house, and sooner is better than later. Still, I'm a bit overwhelmed. She's also making it sound final, she wants to give me the keys back and "be done".

Last night she called around midnight and woke me up. Said she wanted a copy of the taxes I filed, she feels weird leaving it to me. It's like she doesn't know what to do now that she doesn't have to look after me any more. She sounded very upbeat, had just been shopping, and mentioned she was "horny". I called her back a little later and started talking sexy, and it went very well. Even mentioned a couple experiments for when she visits. All of the sudden, she cut it off, said she can't do this it makes her too sad.

I called her right back, said I didn't mean to pressure her or anything. She said she doesn't want to send me the wrong message, that she still wants D, etc. I told her not to worry about that, I'm a big boy and can handle it. She said "no, you can't, you bragged to your friends."

A month ago she found an e-mail I wrote to two friends, saying I was having the "best sex of my life." Yes, it was bragging. Kind of like Michelle gets to do on here But I never intended her to find that. She says I'm trying to tell my friends that everything is fine with us and I don't have to work on myself any more.

Then she brought up how I didn't appreciate her when we were together, but now I do because I can't have her. I apologized for taking her for granted and validated her feelings, and also said I'm working on personal stuff so that I never treat anyone that way again.


She said "I just don't know what you want from me". She's asked that before. What does that mean? How can I answer that?

I told her "I just want to help you".
"No one can help me" she said.

"The only way you can help me is to let the D happen quietly"

I told her that's not what I want, but I won't stand in her way. She said it would be nice if I could ask my lawyer what her next step should be. She just has so much on her plate right now. WTF? Like what? She's not working, living with her parents, not doing a dang thing from what I can tell. She wants me to get legal advice so she can D me?

I'm about done with this. Things have been going great lately, promotion at work, new role at church, a whole lot of new friends. I met an Iranian violin player who plays all over the world. She's joining our team at church, and invited me to her show downtown on Friday night. Extremely cool.

The last time I played at church was 3 years ago, right before getting married. With W and her health problems and everything, I just didn't have the time. All the musicians are asking "where have you been?" It's like I'm getting my life back again, finally.

I haven't told W about the church stuff yet, she's convinced that I shouldn't be doing that with my problems. Doesn't matter to her that I'm working on them. Should I tell her? I need to do a Michelle-type letter at some point also.

[Broken Tree]

Sounds like you and I are in the same spot, we don't want to move on but are ready to. Funny spot to be in. My feeling is I can not make her love me so I may as well go along for the ride.

[MichelleLT]

"The only way you can help me is to let the D happen quietly"

I told her that's not what I want, but I won't stand in her way. She said it would be nice if I could ask my lawyer what her next step should be. She just has so much on her plate right now. WTF? Like what? She's not working, living with her parents, not doing a dang thing from what I can tell. She wants me to get legal advice so she can D me?

I got told by my H that it was MY fault we weren't D yet - because I wouldn't agree to a summary dissolution and was going to make him go to court, he was too broke to hire a lawyer, and he was too dumb to fill out the paperwork himself. LAMEST excuse in the entire world! It was just a manifestation of his anger and frustration.

It's easier to try and manipulate or guilt you into getting what she wants. She has this D planned out in her head, it's going to be easy and fix her life! But YOU are NOT cooperating! IMO, when she asks you to do things like that, just say no if you don't want the D. If she gets angry, oh well, she'll get over it.

[jon2911]

W called again about midnight. I've been going to bed early, so this wakes me up by I don't mind. She'd sent me a pic of her new hair. She found a lady on Craigslist who gets hair from India and uses it for extensions. She had this complicated process of matching it to W's current hair color and mixing different shades together to make extensions that look real. It all sounds crazy, but the result is amazing. I told her the pic was very, very hot. Wish I could post it here...

The conversation was light and fun, very nice. She even told me some stuff about FIL, that she had to convince him that the extensions were free (not true), and that he was making random comments about her hair over breakfast.

The guy is a financial nazi, and his plan was NOT for W to move home, sit around and do things like hair extensions. W has been home for a month now, no job, no nothing. That's not going to last very long. So we'll see how that goes. Very glad that I'm the one she's talking to about it.

I met with my financial planner yesterday, really getting things sorted out there. If W chooses to come back, I want things very much in order, unlike last time. Lots of work to do on the house tonight and this weekend, but it will be good to have it done.

[jon2911]

Had a fantastic weekend. Caught some great bands on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. W would never have let me do that. Watched basketball with a friend on Saturday, and church on Sunday was great. They did the song that W requested in the night, and I got to find out who wrote it. "Peace" by Robbie Seay Band. Also got a lot of housework done. Not sure if W is coming tomorrow night, but I want to be ready.

Even after a great weekend, had trouble sleeping last night. Still a lot of negative thoughts and memories. Listened to "Peace" a few times and it helped.

Arrived at work this morning and found the following e-mail from W. She used a couple tax questions as an excuse:

look up In God's Hands by nelly furtado and keith urban...it's gorgeous.

Then, a few minutes later:

i just realized the song ends with the words "i want it back." i don't want what we had back, i want the dreams we had before we got married back. i'm sorry if i misled you.

I'm listening to the song now. Not sure how to respond, or if I even should. E-mails were sent at 1:30 AM, so I guess she's staying up late thinking about this stuff.



In God's Hands
I looked at your face I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I, I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do
You couldn't care less about the lies
You couldn't find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God's hands

You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it's the end of the day
And we gave a lot but it wasn't enough
We got so tired that we just gave up

We didn't respect it
We went and neglected it
We didn't deserve it
But I never expected this

Oh it didn't last
It's a thing of the past
No we didn't understand
Oh just what we had
Oh I want it back
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Oh just what we had

[MichelleLT]

Hmmm seems appropriate to comment on the song. I'd keep away from a direct mention of R stuff. Just say you liked the song, the melody is gorgeous, thank her for recommending it to you.

[jon2911]

The more I listen to it, it sounds like the WAS theme song of the year. such bull. Why can't they understand that R's can be rebuilt?

I want her to be able to send me stuff like this, explaining how she feels, whether I agree with it or not. Also, she seemed freaked out that I would read into the ending of the song. Really I just want her to relax and open up communication again, which seems to be happening slowly.

How about:
"Thanks for recommending the song, haven't listened to Nellie much but I like Keith. They sound great together."

Then respond to the 2nd e-mail.
"Nah, I didn't read into it. Don't worry about it."

[MichelleLT]

Add to the second response - Me too! Because you don't want your R filled with problems back, you want a newer and better one!

"me too" statements are the ultimate in empathizing and validating!

[jon2911]

OK, but I'm struggling with how to put it without becoming R talk:

"Nah, I didn't read into that. Don't worry about it. I agree, wouldn't want our old relationship and problems back either."

Maybe just leave it at that? I thought about "I want a new one" at the end.